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I am slowly getting back in to UK time and managing the ability to stay awake during the day, so thats progress right.

I have been sorting through my holiday photos, one of those tasks with digital cameras, where you take way to many shots as you dont have to pay for printing. I am about 3/4 through sorting them but so far have 200 photos that I like eek. You never realise how many you take.

But I am writing tonight for a different reason. My mood is altering again and I dont like it. I know everyone gets holiday blues, but its not that. I am in one of those places where I dont know if it is my mood noticing more, or that things are getting pointed out more.

I cough, a lot, after being away, I am coughing more. I found that the pressure changes on the plane during landing and take off, really aggrivated my cough. So, on the plane, as you can guess, I coughed lots more. On two differnt planes, when we got off, Mum pointed out about hearing people complaining about my cough. It was the same in a shop earlier. I cant control my cough, its a violent cough to the point where I often either end up sat down making sure my bladder behaves or I end up in the loo fighting to keep my lunch down.

But this isnt new, so why I am noticing it more now.
The same went the other day. I walked past the person I have written about previosuly who I used to go to school with and who I got close to at one point. We poliety ignore one another and look the other way when we pass each other. Yesterday, we did the same as usual, walking past each other, but his girlfriend was talking to him. I noticed her looking at me, but ignored it. Mum who was behind me, later pointed out that he had said something to her and they both looked at me and she made a face, kinda like eeee.

I dont know, its a lot of things adding up, looking at holiday pictures dosnt help. but right now, my confidence and self esteem, is very low. This in the past has lead to dangerous ground. I guess it is a step forward that I am able to spot this before things progress. But that dosnt make it hurt any less.

Its time for change. I have to do something.
Just got to ride out the storm and hope for as little damage as possible ont he other side.

Lonely

Im living upto my online name again. Im bitter and its becoming more and more prominent. 


Im lonely. Im fed up being alone in all senses of the word. Sure I have some great friends online, but that dosnt help the need when you just want to curl up with someone, or lean on some ones shoulder, to just sit with them and know they know what your thinking.


I mean im what 24 now. The last time I was in a relationship I was 16 and we all know how that ended. I know im damaged goods, but still 8 years, you would have thought I could have picked some desperate soul up.


Maybe Im not in the right place at the moment for a relationship, but you know it might have helped, just to curl up with some one, to cuddle, even if it was a friend. But no, I stopped talking to most of them. Couldnt stand the jealousy. Seeing them get engaged, buy houses, plan weddings, have kids, finish uni, get good jobs. And those I didnt push away purposely ran away screaming anyway. You only accept refusals to go out a certain amount of times before you stop asking. I just wasnt ready and now I cant cope with it. I see all my friends going to festivals, out with friends, generally having a laugh. And I sit in my room and watch from afar. Even if my physical stuff allowed me to go out, I wouldnt be up to it at the moment anyway.


It just hurts you know. Knowing that it is going to be like this for a while. I mean I know I desperately need to lose weight. Its just hard at the moment with all the meds and how hard it is to exercise and such. I know it could be far worse, but I am going to work on it.


But who wants to be with someone who wakes up several times a night feeling like they are drowning. Who has to put the light on and sit up for about 30 mins while they cough half their chest up. You know not exactly sexy is it. Plus the medical equipment in the bedroom, sure that must be a turn on. A suction machine all loaded up ready, a nebuliser, a draw unit full of medication and dressings and other fun medical stuff. And if I was ever to get to the point of actually sleeping with someone (breathing allowing of course) I would prolly need to ask them to wait a minute so I could get comfortable and dismantle myself. Take the hearing aids out, take off the glasses, clean my tubes so I can breathe. Oh and of course how can we forget the whole attractiveness of the body. The stomach that looks like a train map from too much surgery, the tube sticking out of my throat, the stretch marks on my arms and hips, the drain and line scars on my boobs and of course those lovely layers of parrell lines on my legs and arm. The lines that I love, the lines I crave to add to, my own version of surgery. My way of cutting out the bad, even if it dosnt last long. Oh how I miss that. 


You see self harm, was always my way company, my friend to turn to when things feel crap. It takes the pain away, its there in the dead of night when everyone else is sleeping, and it stays with you for a while afterwards, giving you that nice stinging feeling every time you move, just to remind you your not alone.


And psych declare me normal so I do just need to get over all this. Learn to move on. Move on with the fact that a true relationship isnt something that I am going to experience in this lifetime, no matter what.


The sooner I get used to the fact that Im not destined for a relationship, the sooner it will hurt less.

Please

I keep trying to work on this stupid assignment for networking. Not only is it one of my worst areas of computers, but it is taking me twice as long as it should due to having to research everything as I missed the lectures with being stuck in hospital. I dont understand half the concepts and its just becoming annoying. That and the fact that right now I have the concentration of a fish. Im hoping its the steroids that are making me like this. I get to stop them completely on Sunday. So we will see how i feel then and of course if my blood pressure comes down.

Mum went shopping on her way home from work today so I sorted my own dinner. I was in the living room when she came in and I had just finished my yoghurt I was having for desert. I started telling her that we forgot to put the baby tortoise to bed last night as he had dug down in the soil and we forgot to undig him and put him in the bed.

She then proceeded to lecture me on how little I have to do and I still cant manage to do the one thing I was suppossed to do right. That I never do anything for the torts (felt like saying yeah, Ive just been showering the baby twice a day and doing his eye drops, that I have never once seen you do!) Which then lead on to the usual lecture about how lazy I am and how little I do, (all this was while she was loudly unstacking the dishwasher and slamming pots and pans around) How little I did yesterday. I would have washed up, but she had already said she wanted to stack the dishwasher. And during the day I was working on my assignment. Just grrr.

I have really low self esteem as it is, but when mum starts putting me down, what little esteem is there just vanishes. I find myself fighting to hold in my tears. I could never cry in front of her, that would be a sign of weakness, it would let her know that she has won! the last time I lost control and cried in front of her was when we were on holiday and she was being awful to me and bethany. I felt so sorry for Bethany as she had never experienced anything like it before. And I started crying and couldnt stop. It went on for a good few hours, even when i got called out to eat tea. To which she told me I should be ashamed crying in front of Bethany. Gee thanks mum.

This song kinda sums up a lot of how I feel right now.


In more positive news, I went two whole days without using my nebuliser. I had to use it this afternoon after coughing my guts up and I should probably use it again now, but dont want to wake people up. But two days is good. Something must be improving. Even if I still cant breathe. Felt breathless all day today for no real reason. Dont feel blocked up, but just moving around making me feel like im lacking oxygen. Not a nice feeling. And yes I have tried walking slower but it far to hard. I cant physically make myself walk slower.