Because of you

Its been a funny day in the land of my moods.

I had a dream last night, I dream a lot and very vividly, I think that is part of what stops me wanting to go to bed in the night.

But this was differnt. I was a spy, I had a team. We worked together and we worked well. We had each others back. I had a bow an arrow and it felt amazing to be useful.

I have been watching a series called chuck which is about a spy, which could have bought the dream on, but it was totally differnt.

When I woke this morning, I was sad that I wasnt spy. That melanchoia feeling has stayed with me all day.

Later on in the day, I had been working with the tv on. Kelly Clarkson Because of you came on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTTjLxXFg0k

And the lyrics just hit a spot.

Ok, the song suggest against the parents, and mine is against someone else, but so much of makes me think.

Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I dont trust anyone. I have built this whole persona around being an independant person who dosnt need anyone. Sometimes I let people in, but the first hint that pain maybe invovled and I run. I blame them of course, I shut off. I wont let them get the best of me, control me, look down on me. How can I let anyone in when I know the damage they can do.

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

My life is empty, at my own hands. I not only play on the safe side I make sure no one has access if things should begin to move away from uber safe.

It hurts that it is over 10 years and I am still afraid, I am still shut off.

I got some closure on such a relationship this week, though I feel better, I cant help but feel perhaps it is this over again and I have to wonder how long this will keep happening for. 

An old friend tried to get in touch. I put my foot down. She started to hurt me once before, why should I let her in to do it again. She apologised  Even said that she should have done something rather than sit back and watch me destroy myself. 

I wasnt destroying myself, I was surviving the best way I could. But simple words, may have changed things back then. 

They were dark days. I was needing stitches several times a week and stopped going due to the hassel. I had server infections that have left me with a huge numb section. Eventually I learnt to self suture, so that I could keep at destroying myself without anyone knowing. I spent the nights drinking till I passed out and came up with an ingensious plan to cause an early death. After 4 weeks working on my plan, things got noticed and an end was put to it. Damage was done, irrepareable damage, but again, I shut off at the point. Why tell anyone anything. Just more hurt.

And now? now, I live clinging to the slope. Knowing that if I let my guard down, I will be right back there and it will ruin everything. But the truth is, I live in fear. For so many reasons. Its like being permantly stalked by my own mind all the time. Be it a dream, a sound, a song. Fear of hurt, so I used to hurt myself as a way to say ha, you cant hurt me more than I can hurt myself. 

But then something happens and it does hurt again and I have to take control. Fear jumps in and I have to prove to myself once again that I am in control by being able to cause more pain than anyone else can. 

But the fear is still there. It still haunts me. Just waiting in the shadows for me to let me guard down, to let someone in. I must stay in control and so I stay with armour up, and I shall keep from letting anyone in.

I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

buh bye brain

My brain sometimes decideds that it has had enough.
On days like this, it just deserts my body and my thinking.
On those days, it can be odd, the thinks that my mind comes up with on its own.
Kinda like when you have a ton of stuff to do and its all so overwhleming that you decide to do none of it and take a nap or go out instead.
I had my meds increased a couple of weeks ago, to try and limit these times, but there are still nights like tonight, when things just bottom out. and though i could essentially fight it, there is a  bigger part of me that just says meh, lets just let my mind do what it wants for a change, no  cares on the outcome.

Part of my mind says, lets not run my treatment, lets feel like a rebel and say fuck it. But that is shotting myself in the foot. Without the nebs I will go downhill quickly and perhaps then lose out on my holiday.

Part of me says, lets abuse this bottle of pain med, that it would be nice to be that numb. But it would take a few days to replace it and right now, the pain is at a level where I need it.

Of course, there is always my old friend the blade, that always gives relief, but there isnt enough time for healing to occur before my next addmission. Which leads to a whole new barrel of fish, as I need the hospital to see me as competent and non depressed. Signs of depression, could mean the inability to say no to further surgery when the subject arises. So for my long term plan, that is not an option.

Of course, there is always my other old friend alchol. Less permant, should allow me a few hours of numbness, though pretty borining and stero typrical. Always hated being predicatable. Maybe a mix of things might help.

Of course there is always the option of taking a shower, having an early night and just riding out the mood. But where is the fun in that. No I need this realse. I need to escape these feelings, because right now, they hurt like hell. And I am not ready to explore not feeling good enough and facing the darkness of the night alone just now.

Missing

I want to apologise.
Recently, all of my posts have been so negative and always about illness.
I vowed a long time ago that I would never end up like this, but lately my mood has been rather unsettled. I guess there are only so many hits that I can take, till it takes effect on my mind. This is my outlet, the only place I talk. And when my mind plays up, its here I come back to. But it is a rut that I need to get out of and I will get out of it, in time.

I have never really been a soap person. Not an avid follower, but the Australian soap Home and Away is the one I do watch. I wouldnt go out of my way to watch it, my mum likes it and its often on when we are having tea. Not to mention the gorgeous scenery and hot blokes with no tops on. But back on topic.

One of the current story lines revolves around the character Casey. He has undiagnosed PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) Well it cant technically be diagnosed yet due to time issues but yeh. Anyway, he is unravelling on screen. The filming is very good, I guess that is part of the issue. Its believable and I relate to it a heck of a lot. That feeling so tormented and lost that you dont know where you are. To feel so numb that you throw things around and dont notice. The ache I feel is hard to describe, its almost like a craving. To want to be able to break down like that, to not care any more. To let go of everything instead of hiding under a mask. I miss self destruction sometimes. I miss lots of things involved with it. Drinking, drugs, self harm, anger. I guess anger is a big one. I have never been able to express anger, not since the stabbing incident  And so it builds up inside me until I snap.

The problem being, how long till I snap? Its like I feel it boiling under my skin. The fear, the pain, the recklessness. Its as if I can feel it trying to get out of the box I keep it locked in.

The problem is, I dont want to be like this. I dont want to be the shut off angry person, I dont want to be the unstable one. But the truth is, underneath, I know I am. And I am terrfifed of people finding out, or the damage I can do.

For a long time, my reason for stopping with the self destructive behaviour was due to the danger of being refused transplant if the option ever came up on account of my recklessness. For a long time, I could not hide it as I was undergoing so many skin grafts in the area that I used for harming.  I know that I have a number of months before I need another graft and that plays on my mind too. There are a lot of things that are adding up at the minute. And whilst, I am no danger, I cant say that for the future.

So, I am going to try and force myself into more projects. I need more focus. I need something other than hospitals. I dont know what yet and I dont know how, but there has to be something right? I cant go back down that road, I cant head into destruction again. I am to tired to fight it and to tired to fight my way back out of it. I know destruction now, would not be a good choice.

Treading Water

I feel like I have written in here in a long time. I mentioned last time that I was emerging from a dark place but things still have not been going as well as I might have hoped.

I feel like I am treading water in an endless ocean. Constantly kicking and fighting to stay afloat. Sometimes, I can manage it, I can keep my head above water, enough to look around, take some deep breaths and asses the situation properly. But then, other times, a wave will come and wash over me, or I will run out of strength and momentarily dip under the surface before bobbing back up to the top and gasping for air.

At one point, each time I came back to the top, I would feel relieved, I would feel joyous that there was still light and air in the world instead of the dark bleakness of under the water. But other times, like now, I go under and its hard to remember which way is up, or I think about that endless ocean and what use is it treading water constantly if there is no shore in sight?

Last time I posted, I was having trouble adjusting to some bad news. Today, I am struggling to adjust to the adjustments needed with that news, before being knocked under once again with the news about my next admission.

I know that I am being cryptic, I kind of have to be at the moment but tomorrow will bring further news and I guess that will either be a float or another wave.

To say that I am struggling at the moment would be about right. I crave so much that I dont know what I crave. I feel the need for a real good argument. A screaming and shouting match. Time to be angry at the world and perhaps bit out and cause injury. Actully, what I want right now, is to hide. To lock myself up somewhere and just cease to exist for a while at least.

Trying to deal with everything, without resorting to old methods, is a real task and a task that seems the world right now. But now is not my time to fall apart. Right now, I need to be strong and I need to put a brave face on. It dosnt matter the cost to me right now and it really dosnt matter how I do it.

Wallowing

It feels like I have written here in forever, in reality its not that long.

I have been avoiding here a little. Wallowing perhaps.

Sometimes, I can look at things and I can say, wow look how far I have come. Look at all the amazing people I have met from being ill. Look how much I have gained.

Other times, I can look at things and feel nothing but bitter feelings, anger and resentment. Its hard not to picture the places I might have been in life had I not gotten sick. If I had just gotten sick from some sort of natural cause, would I have dealt with it better? It feels sometimes, that its harder, knowing that it wasnt natural, it didnt just happen, it was the result of one person. I think that also makes the psychological side harder to deal with.

The last week, has kind of been differnt again from the above. This week has more so been a mood that makes me ask why things are so unfair in life. Why do some people and families get to breeze through life without a care, while others seem to face continual set backs.

There seems to be a lot going on at the moment. Lots of things and people are crumbling, lots of people close to me falling apart or getting sick. Of course I worry about them, but at the same time as worrying, I am trying to hold myself together and appear strong for them. Its not fair if I am the one always sick or struggling if they get pushed out. But of course, covering up is never an easy subject.

I guess I have had a few scares and wake up calls this week. And my reaction? To shut myself away, to ignore everyone and block everyone out. To curl up, within myself.

The last few days I have been in a very dark place indeed. Looking back, its kinda scary to how bad things got at one point. I dont know. Words are hard at the moment. It feels like there is this big black hole inside me. Somedays, it just sits there pulsing, so I can feel it, letting me know its there. Other days, it grows, it feels heavy and weights me down. When it gets to heavy, I instead, turn over and wrap myself within it. To snuggle down with it, and pepping out, is like walking into bright sunlight.

I know there is hope, I know how well I have things, I know that I am the fortunate one and that others need me right now. But sometimes, logic dosnt make sense or my heart dosnt want to follow. Its then when things get dangerous.

At the moment, communication, just seems to not be worth the energy expenditure that it needs.

honesty

I think perhaps my writing in her has drifted from its original purpose.
At the start, I wanted it to be my outlet, where I was truthful, no matter how much that hurt me. Then, when things where getting hard, and I didnt have the energy it took to keep everyone in the loop so to speak, I let people know about my blog so they knew where I was and such. As a result of this, news of what I was writting was trickling back to my mother and of course, not only did that hurt her, but it also meant a lot of ear bashing for me. So I delinked everywhere, and only online friends knew where the links were. Of course, anyone who was already aware of the link still knew about it.

Somewhere along the way things changed. Fear of upsetting my friends, or of my mum finding out what I had written, or even just not wanting to be a burden, meant that unconsciously, when I came to post here, it would always be upbeat for the most part.

I think I have bee fooling myself.
I can feel myself slipping once again. The self esteem going lower, the mood dropping, the urges returning. I find myself questioning myself, is my current energy dip due to my health, or my mood. And how far can I take things before people in the real world begin to notice.

I can in the most part, be sensible. I know that I need to do everything in my power to stay well for my admission on Monday and for the most part I can do that. I take the meds, run the nebs and when bad urges strike I wait them out and talk myself out of it. But every so often, it gets too much. I will have spent hours talking myself out the urges and finally settled them, until someone says something and its the straw that broke the camels back. I find myself digging out my sharps, playing with pills or simply reaching for a bottle. I am fine and I can deal with this, but I need to start being more honest with myself, things dont feel as rosey as they once did. I am spending money on stupid things, replacing emotion with material objects. I am overdrawn, which I have not been in many years. Of course this just adds to the things that bother me.

I need to get this under control, before it consumes me and things go back to the way they were.

all good things come to an end.

Ive barley been on the computer compared with my norm.

Ive had a friend over and its been a good but busy weekend. Need to recover now (lol) There will be more about this later.

Im just tired tonight. Its been one of those long days that you just wish would hurry up and be over with.

It was my sisters birthday so we were going to go out for a meal. We were discussing how to arrange things best and I suggested a couple of things, but nothing was decided. Then they decided that they were going to a certain resturant and I mentioned something about how many tokens they needed. With that I got my head bitten off. That all the plans need to be changed yet again as i wasnt doing what I said I would do. (Yeah, I would be doing it if you just told me what the hell it was supposed to be) Anyway, they got pissy and stormed out.

So I deduced that I was supposed to pick my niece and nephew up from school and wait at my sisters house with them. So I am sat in the car, in the car park, waiting for the youngest to finish and talking to the eldest. We had the windows open because it was hot and we were just talking. The guy in the next car kept shouting his head off at his kids and was beginning to really annoy me. Then he looks over and shouts oi, whats that you got in your neck?! (Yeah I did have my scarf on but it was lose as I was in my own car minding my own bussiness) I sort of shook my head and shrugged, thinking perhaps I had imagined it. So he shouts again. I just glanced over to him and mumbled something about it being a medical device and turned back. I felt so embarrassed about it. I know I shouldnt, and I also know that he as an adult should have had a bit more tact, but I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole right there and then.

I made a cake for my sisters birthday, it was in the shape of hello kitty.

She seemed to like it.

I was talking to her later on, once my parents had gone home. Apprently mum told my eldest niece that I might have a nark on when I got there. (I have no idea why, when it was them getting pissy) and she told my sister that I had been out all weekend and had no meals at home at all. (I mean how dare I have any kind of social life for one weekend at the age of 24? Shocking isnt it) ha heres me thinking she would be pleased I was getting out, but of course, mother dosnt do pleased. Its so annoying. I know I need to keep doing things like this to get her used to it, but its been like this since I was young. I just give up on socializing and getting out because its just not worth the effort and the after effects that I get off my mum. It used to be the same with going to my sisters. I eventually stopped going as the time away wasnt worth the hassel and abuse I got when I got home. Its stupid, im an adult, I shouldnt be in fear of my parents.

Oh and even after asking mum not to say anything to my sister about me getting in touch with my other sister, mum starts talking casully about it in front of my sister, so I assume she told her then. (gee thanks)

So as a result of dad getting angry with me, the flashbacks have been on the edges of my vision all night. The blades sitting on my bedside table shouting out to me and a box of pills on my bed. It would be so easy to just destruct at this point. But its not worth it. I have the nurse out tomorrow so any damage would be picked up pretty quick. blah. But there is always tomorrow.

Oh and I am fully expecting at least one parent to kick off on me tomorrow, probably for not getting in till 10pm tonight (shock horror!) as they were in bed when I got home. But I dont care, it just gives me more fuel for my fire at this point.

Screw it

Double standards

Advanced warning: This is a pissed of uber annoyed post and will probably contain a fair bit of swearing. Oh what fun.

I am fucking fed up of your bloody double standards mrs oh so fucking perfect!
I was sick, from Thursday through to Wednesday. However, I did not moan, I got on with things. You had a right nark on with me on Sunday because it was mothers day and meant to be your day and yet I was being lazy. (It didnt matter to you that I felt absolutely rotten and it hurt to move or do anything) So I did what I could. I went to the cemetery even though all I wanted to do was curl up. Then when I sat down to recover for like 20mins you start kicking my possesions around 'because I shouldnt dare have anything of mine downstairs!' I was basically told to suck it up and get on with things when I was unwell.

But then you pick up the same virus from me, as does my niece. My niece, like me gets on with it and dosnt make a fuss. But you get, and its the end of the fucking world! You had to go to bed very early, then bring in a clear basin that you puked in to show me how sick you was. (Yes at the time I was still throwing up myself but I didnt bother taking the time to show you... mhmm why did i do this? maybe because im not a sick twat!)

So then you lie on the couch all day and cant possibly move, not even to get your own drink (Bear in mind if the illness progresses the same, this is the day I was being told off for not doing enough) Then in the evening you were offered food but said you would get something later. Then you go to bed in a sulk because dad didnt offer to make you something to eat later on!

All day you had go at me, that I didnt have to stress so much about getting dads tea done and stuff because he is perfectly capable of doing it himself. Then the next day when I didnt do much, you told me off because dad has been working all the hours and shouldnt have to come home and do anything in the house! Make up your bloody mind!

You tell me I am lazy and shouldnt sleep so much. And then when the doctor asks, you tell her that I need my sleep because my nights are disturbed. And oh joy, the doctor told you today that if oyu didnt begin to feel better by saturday to not go back to work. Gee thanks Dr. You know my mum, you know she will milk this for all its worth. So now it looks like I am going to have to put up with her all next week to as i bet she stays off.

Mum said something before in the car. And I mentioned that we had the same thing so it will probably run the same course and if anything hers should clear quicker than mine as she is healthier than and with a proper immune system. Her reply: But I have been much sicker than you. I just looked at her. And she started explaining about throwing up and such. I just said... oh right, I didnt have any of then? I must have dreamt it. Just because I dont bloody go on about it permanently dosnt mean I dont have.

Its like the other day when a doctor was going on about how high at risk I am from cancer due to my medications. We come out and mum goes, yeah your probably about the same risk as me now, because I got sunburn as kid!! FFS stop comparing, its not a bloody competition to see who is the fucking sickest. Because to be honest with you, you can be the sickest! You can take all my pills and go through all the surgeries and procedures and the trouble doing things and everything that goes with it!

Argh. Majorly pissed with her!

Oh and then she sees that I have just taken my bedding straight out the tumble dryer and am folding it and she starts having a go at me because its creased and its never creased when she does it. For one its bedding, I dont really care if its creased! And for 2, what the fuck am I suppossed to do? Iron it before I put it in the dryer then fold it up all nice and ask the dryer nicely not to toss it around to much. Fucking get over it loserhead!

Im on a slippery slope right now.  I gave up my 2 months free. I dont want to be free anymore. I miss the control and all the other feelings of release that come with it. Its funny, I was looking at pics earlier from a time when I was a mess and causing a pretty bad mess of myself. You can see my hand in one of them. With perfectly manicured nails all painted and shinny with the french tip. Good how you can be totally falling apart, yet on the outside, everything looks rosey. Time for a relapse I think. I still have it in me, I doubted it at one point but I know its still there.

Lonely

Im living upto my online name again. Im bitter and its becoming more and more prominent. 


Im lonely. Im fed up being alone in all senses of the word. Sure I have some great friends online, but that dosnt help the need when you just want to curl up with someone, or lean on some ones shoulder, to just sit with them and know they know what your thinking.


I mean im what 24 now. The last time I was in a relationship I was 16 and we all know how that ended. I know im damaged goods, but still 8 years, you would have thought I could have picked some desperate soul up.


Maybe Im not in the right place at the moment for a relationship, but you know it might have helped, just to curl up with some one, to cuddle, even if it was a friend. But no, I stopped talking to most of them. Couldnt stand the jealousy. Seeing them get engaged, buy houses, plan weddings, have kids, finish uni, get good jobs. And those I didnt push away purposely ran away screaming anyway. You only accept refusals to go out a certain amount of times before you stop asking. I just wasnt ready and now I cant cope with it. I see all my friends going to festivals, out with friends, generally having a laugh. And I sit in my room and watch from afar. Even if my physical stuff allowed me to go out, I wouldnt be up to it at the moment anyway.


It just hurts you know. Knowing that it is going to be like this for a while. I mean I know I desperately need to lose weight. Its just hard at the moment with all the meds and how hard it is to exercise and such. I know it could be far worse, but I am going to work on it.


But who wants to be with someone who wakes up several times a night feeling like they are drowning. Who has to put the light on and sit up for about 30 mins while they cough half their chest up. You know not exactly sexy is it. Plus the medical equipment in the bedroom, sure that must be a turn on. A suction machine all loaded up ready, a nebuliser, a draw unit full of medication and dressings and other fun medical stuff. And if I was ever to get to the point of actually sleeping with someone (breathing allowing of course) I would prolly need to ask them to wait a minute so I could get comfortable and dismantle myself. Take the hearing aids out, take off the glasses, clean my tubes so I can breathe. Oh and of course how can we forget the whole attractiveness of the body. The stomach that looks like a train map from too much surgery, the tube sticking out of my throat, the stretch marks on my arms and hips, the drain and line scars on my boobs and of course those lovely layers of parrell lines on my legs and arm. The lines that I love, the lines I crave to add to, my own version of surgery. My way of cutting out the bad, even if it dosnt last long. Oh how I miss that. 


You see self harm, was always my way company, my friend to turn to when things feel crap. It takes the pain away, its there in the dead of night when everyone else is sleeping, and it stays with you for a while afterwards, giving you that nice stinging feeling every time you move, just to remind you your not alone.


And psych declare me normal so I do just need to get over all this. Learn to move on. Move on with the fact that a true relationship isnt something that I am going to experience in this lifetime, no matter what.


The sooner I get used to the fact that Im not destined for a relationship, the sooner it will hurt less.

Slippery slope

So I havnt posted much recently, theres a surprise. My orginal aim was to keep this blog nice and positive. To a point. Well mainly to keep my darkest thoughts out of here. But perhaps that wasnt the best idea. There should be a more rounded view on things.

So things are not going great. I am still in hospital, though I dont need to be. The nurses whose care I will be discharged to dont want me to be let out till they are fully prepared and what with the holidays and now all the snow, that is proving to take a little bit longer than expected. so im still stuck in here. However, it does have its positives. While in here I am getting physio everyday as opposed to the once a week I will get once discharged. This really is making a huge difference, I can feel my stamina being built up and everyday I am working on increasing the speed on the treadmill.

However, mother is complaining about it. She said its like being instituonalised and that I should be home by now. Really it just means that there is lots of work going on at home and she dosnt see why I should be allowed to get to 'rest' in here as she puts it while she is doing all the work. (The work btw is things like putting the christmas decs away. If it was upto me none of them would have come out this year. Plus I am really not upto messing with dusty stuff and climbing in and out the loft, I have enough trouble with stairs without even attempting a ladder) More so her complaining is directed at me.

Its all the little things that get to me. The tutting under her breath, the implications of how lazy i am,  the whole, wel i have to visit you as the nurses take notice. Theres just so many little digs that she has at me.

Well at the moment my mood is everywhere. Im fine one minute and suicidal the next. so when she does get one of her digs in, or something happens that brings me back to reality on this whole situation, my mood just drops.

Fair enough, I should be able to cope with such things. But when my mood drops i become impulsive and this really isnt a good mix. I keep thinking about al the new methods I have of harming myself and how little it would take now to do some serious damage. I have considered things like dry drowning. I have easy access to my lungs so why not fill them with water or other substances. Dirty water would probably be more effective and would carry a higher risk of server infection. Then there is other liquids i find around, what would pepsi do? or alcohol gel? shampoo? The problem is getting caught, explaining it and such. water I could say it was an accident in the shower same with shampoo. Ive ben playing around with saline (technically im allowed to do it with a small bit of it anyway upto about 2.5 mls) I put 20mls in the other day, it felt kind of good, tickled a bit but deffintly gave relief. Then I tried with my hypertonic saline as i have more of that, but that made me cough so bad that i bought up more blood than normal so it wasnt very comfortable and it didnt stay in.

Then my mind wanders to what solids i could put in. But again there is the whole thing of getting caught.

I havnt taken my meds since i went home on friday either. Tonights are sitting in front of me and i doubt very much if im going to take them. Its good seeing the effects work so quick. My heart rate and blood pressure are very slowly creeping up, and i can feel my chest starting to clogg up. Not sure if its related but i felt so dizzy earleir that I couldnt stand up and then I threw my tea back which was rather nasty. so although these effects seem to be happening quick, i want them to happen quicker.

I dont know, I dont think I want to die (not right this minute anyway) but I am tired of living and see no way around it. Maybe a nice server infection would do it. Perhaps pneumonia, enough to have me knocked out and put in icu vent'ed for a week or so. The break last time seemed to help and restored the whole positive attitude so maybe that would work now.

I ended up cutting earlier as well. Nothing like what I wanted, im so out of practice and of course I had a nurse knocking on the door so I got distracted. But it felt good. Not great but good. It would have felt so much better if it was my arms. Oh how I want to rip them apart, tear them to shreds. Seeing pictures of slit wrists just looks so appealing to me, its like im attracted to it. One can only dream.

So I guess this is me going downhill again. Time to stop rambling now I suppose. lets wait and see what tomorrow holds.

Not so Brief history of time (Part 1)

Well the trend at the moment seems to be to write about what you hope the future holds for you, your resolutions for the new year. But frankly, sitting in my hospital room, where I have been since November, but before that in and out a lot since August, I really dont feel like looking ahead. Its not all positive and rosey right now as I know there is a lot of hard work ahead. Surgery, physio, exercise etc. So instead, I have decided to give you a brief history in time. Its been a while since I wrote about my past. I mean odd snippets yes, but nothing fully since I started with the whole depression performance. blah. Perhaps to have it down on paper will make it a little more real and maybe a little more possible to leave ti where it belongs, in the past.

I had a fairly healthy family life growing up. Lived with both of my parents, my brother (who was 3 years old than me) and until I was about 6 one of my sisters (who was about 20 years older than me.)  I used to love it when my sister lived at home as I shared a room with her and so used to get out of tidying it up a lot. (Somethings never change) However, she used to work full time as did my dad and my mum worked part time.

Mum expected my sister do to all the cooking and cleaning and often pick my brother and I up from school. It would have made more sense for my mum to do these things what with my sister working full time, but my mums logic was my sister had it easy as she still lived at home. My sister got in with the wrong crowd, she had a bf who was very possessive. She worked as a chef and if her bf came to pick her up and saw her talking to any other males, be it colleagues or customers, he would drive off and leave her to walk home.

But she found his company favorable to living at home and so moved out when I was about 6/7. I didnt see her again for years.

Life carried on as normal, I fought like any sister with my brother and often argued with my mum, usually about how little I was doing to help her. One day my brother decided to run away to London, I begged him to take me with him but we wouldnt. I didnt tell anybody he had gone. When they found out the police and such were phoned. He was bought back the next day no the worse for wear. We kind of bonded after that. Stopped fighting and used to comfort each other when mum had been mean. Dad wasnt around much, he worked all the hours he could, often we used to think it was to stay out of her way. I used to love it when dad came home. Because no matter how mean mum had been to me, she was normal with me again once dad came in.

When I was about 9, we received a mysterious letter. I was not allowed to know anything about the letter but mum and dad argued a fair bit about it. About two weeks later mum told me that I had another sister, but that she had left home when I was very young. She had gotten pregnant and the babies farther didnt believe it was his so he kicked her out. She ended up in a refuge. Near the end of the pregnancy he came to see her and said he would take her back if she got rid of the baby. So the baby (whom she named Samantha) was put up for adoption. Apparently my parents put in to adopt her, but my sister said she didnt want them to have her so blocked it. She ended up in  the Isle of Mann.

Well anyway, turns out the letter was from my sister. She had seen us out shopping one day and decided she want to make amends. Dad had gone to visit her without my mum (how dare he go without her permission she said) but anyway, turned out she had 2 kids. I found out later that when my dad went he just sat with the kids on his knees and cried.

So he arranged for my sister(Shell), her husband (Mike) and the 2 kids to come visit us the following week. Mum was not happy about it but she did agree to it finally. And so the following friday I met my sister, brother in law niece and nephew. Things were akward at first but they came down regulary and soon it was like they had never been gone.

A couple of years later my Mum found something in my brothers room (I forget what ti was now) and asked were he got it. When the full story eventually came out, it turned out he had been visiting my other sister (Tracy) and that was were it came from. Although the parents were not happy, they knew they could not ban him from seeing his sister. When she had her third child (Who was a twin, but one died during the pregnancy) my mum sent a gift and even allowed me to go with my brother.

A couple of months later, my brother came to tell my mum that Tracys youngest baby was very ill in hospital. Her stomach had twisted inside her or something which involved a big op and along stay in Alder Hey. My mum offered to have the other 2 children while Tracy was at the hospital and so they started speaking again. I now had 2 nieces and 2 nephews.

There was always some wierdnesss between my two sisters, but I put it down to sibling riverally. When I was about 14, I started to do things that I shouldnt have been doing. I stole some poppers out of my brothers room and used them a fair bit, not really knowing what they were at this point (remember there was no internet back then so I couldnt just look it up). I also started punishing myself, I would stay up late at night mostly till about 4am but often all night, still going to school for 8am the next day. I started smoking and playing around with boys. I got into lots of fights. From there on, I started scratching myself with needle along my wrists, fantasying going deeper.

One night when I was about 15, I decided enough was enough. I took half a packet of paracetamol, wrote my goodbye note, laid down and cried myself to sleep.

When I awoke the next morning, I was so angry. Why was I still here. Sure I felt rough and couldnt keep much down, but I was still alive. I screwed my note up (Which was full of I am sorry, I wish we had gotten on better and had a normal relationship blah blah and was addressed to my mum)

I sat down the following night and took the whole packet of paracetamol. I spent most of the night heaving my guts up and generally feeling awful. Yet the next morning I still got up and went to school. About a week later, I picked up a prescription for migraine tablets from the doctors. As it was a prescription it was for a large amount. That night I took 2 full boxes.

Within 40 minutes I was heaving again. Mum thought I had a stomach bug so let me stay off school the next day, which was a good job as I spent most of the time in the loo. I felt so rotten I will never forget it. I dont know how it didnt mess me up more. The amount I took should have caused liver damage. But of course, once the sickness subsided and my muscles healed from all the heaving there were no signs at all.

I started spending as much time as possible at my sisters house (Tracy).  She had moved house and we often joked about converting the extension into a room for me. My brother was working in a local supermarket, but ripping them off by stealing alcohol. He used to sell me it at a cheap rate so I used to spend my weekly pocket money on spirits and spent a lot of time drinking, even getting drunk during an RE lesson in school. Pretty soon after that he was caught out. He was sent into the bosses office to wait for the police. The boss got called out of the office for some reason and my brother stole his keys and ran out the shop. He then stole the bosses expensive car and was involved in a high speed police chase involving helicopters and such before he eventually wrote the car off. He was of course arrested and as he had spent a lot of time in the past in trouble with the police (robbing car badges and other various teenage pranks) he was sentenced to 8 months in juvenile prison. We visited him a couple of times. I missed him lots. Visiting will be something I wont forget. the whole police dogs and searching stuff.

Around here sometime, my sister (Shell) also had another baby, a girl. Her husband (Mike) beat her up one night and she rang us crying.n We went down and made sure she was ok and everything. I found a lot out about Mike that night. Turns out he had tried to sleep with my other sister a few years back and had kind of stalked her in a way. (explains the tension between the two of them) And Mike had apparently beaten my sister lots of times before and locked her out the house a few times. Of course she got her self back on her feet, but as these things tend to happen, within a few weeks, she got back together with him and it was like nothing had ever happened.

At 16, while studying for my GCSE I got a job in a shop in town. Suddenly I had money, most the study went out the window. I used to have to be in for 11 at night. So once on study leave I worked most days. In the morning I would ride my bike to my friends house and leave it there. We would then get the bus to town were we would both go to work. At the end of our shift we would meet up, get the bus back and go the local pub were we would spend the night drinking. At about 10:45 I would leave hers on my bike and ride home and make it in just before 11 (As long as I didnt wobble off the bike, which was always a possibility) This continued for a few months until I had a huge row with my mum.

After that row, I didnt physically speak to my mum for about a month, we avoided each other which suited me fine. I started saving some money (Move on to spirits instead of cocktails, much cheaper) and then I found a bed sit to rent. The place was a dump to be honest, but it was easy to get to work and I could just about afford it.

I didnt tell my family I was leaving. Didnt think I owed them anything so why should I. Left a note, basically telling her not to try to contact me and a load of selfish ramble to boot. Rang for a taxis, one of those big people carriers. Dumped my stuff in the back and officially left home.

Things were great, for a few days. Till I went into work and was told I was being fired. Apparently there had been some discrepancies in my till. I had never ever stole from work! I did consider it once, I thought about taking a pound out as I had no money to buy dinner, but instead I Went hungry. But this is what they claimed and so I was offically out of work. Now it was hard enough getting a job, but at that time of year, nowhere would hire a 16 year old as they had all the uni students looking for work.

A few days later I got my GCSE results. While I didnt do as well as I had hoped, I had done fairly well especially considering the lack of work I did. I decided to write my results down and give it to my mum. I dont know why I decided to go to her work instead of just posting it through my old house. But I had basically said that I knew the results were not good enough for her, but I was happy enough with them (which was kind of a lie) (Bear in mind that I did my maths GCSE a year early and got a B, the highest  I could get on that paper and I had come higher than all but 1 of the year above me. When I told my mum her words wre "I dont know why your celebrating, you could have done better, why didnt you get an A" so my assumptions were not totally incorrect)

Anyway, my friend who I asked to deliver the letter decided to tell my mum I was outside so she came out. We had a begruding hug and a cry. She asked me to come home I agreed as I didnt have a choice with having no job. She then gave me some money to buy some food and such with.

The first thing my friend and I did was buy some stuff for a fry up ha. That night we went out clubbing with the rest of my class. My friend and I decided that we would go to a different club from everyone else as we wanted to do some drugs but didnt want the whole school finding out. While out I started dancing with this boy, Kieran. We got on ok and such and my friend decided that I should lose my virginity before moving back home. ha. Seemed like a good idea at the time. We had no taxis fair so we were going to walk but then kieran said he had money and so we invited him back. My friend eventually fell asleep on the sofa in my bedsit while I was cuddling with Kieran. Still high as a kite and drunk to boot, I slept with him.

Had to kick him out early the next morning after getting his number as my parents were coming to collect me to take me home again. and so I moved home. But not for long...