Arms

There is a habbit that I need to get out of.
I have this thing, where I hate having anything on my lower arms. Even when I am wearing a thick jumper, I find myself pushing the sleves up to my elbows.
Normally, this is not a problem, but with all the recent hospital trips, I am begining to look like either a drug addict or a battered wife.
Bear in mind that these are almost a week old.

 I am working on tellimg my parents the hard facts of what it going on, but I cant bring myself to say the words direct. I am telling them gently, letting them get used to each step. I think Dad gets the situation more than Mum right now. He looks at me with such sorrow and just says he does not know what to say or suggest. Mum seems to think that I will just keep going as is, that maybe after one of these surgeries everything will suddenly be ok.

I am trying to keep up, but right now it is hard. After 12 hours sleep last night, I helped mum with the shopping day for 2 hours, then came home and slept for another 4. the exhaustion is the killer. Where I used to be able to manage flat ground at an even pace without getting breathless, I find now, that even that leaves me breathing heavy. It cant just be unfitness.

I messaged my niece earlier, about how I was going to try and see her before my next admission. Her reply,Sounds fun, just take care and be careful cos to tell you the truth you mean the world to me and the world would not be the same with out you.

She knows nothing of the newest developments. In one way, I want to hug her so tight and hold her close, while in another, I want to push her way so she dosnt get hurt. To the world, you maybe one person, but to one person you maybe the world.

Right now, the lyrics to this one, seem to be the most prominent.

Be still my body, this is meant to help.

Its funny to hink back sometimes. Not that long ago, I put my body through a heck of a lot of abuse. I am pretty sure that it didnt like it, but it went along and never complained too much. Yet now, I try to be nice to it, give it what it needs, but it kicks back at me. Digs its heels in and complains loudly. I shouldnt be surprised really, after all, sounds kinda like me.

I actully thought I had gotten away with it. Antibiotics mess up my stomach big time. A mix of thick sticky adhesions glueing parts of my bowels together from many previous surgeries as well as many other factors such as medications and gentics, mean that I often walk a narrow line in bowel health. Adding antiobitcs in, usually makes the line that bit narrower, so I have to add in a couple more tablets a day and cut certain things out of my diet. Did all that and finished my course of antibiotics yesterday.

Then, this evening, pain, I hate the pain. I can deal with most pain, but this makes me curl around my stomach, hold my breath and often curl up on the bathroom for a few hours till it passes. Its still there now, 3 hours later, but it is fading. Maybe its a sign to slow down.

Yesterday, was a good day yet a sad day. I went to the ice rink with my friend. I went on the ice, hoping to maybe get a couple of just plain laps in, to feel the wind in my hair, the slice of the blade against the ice. I did a couple of slow laps, but I think perhaps I did not prepare enough. When I used to go regularly, I could just jump on the ice, couple of laps to warm up and then off to play around with different moves.

This time, after each lap, I had to stop for a short while. I never noticed before, just how heavy the boots and blades at the end of my legs were. I had control of them, but, the more I moved, the more I felt a searing, burning pain in my legs. It started in my toes, up my feet and spreading up my calfs. Burning, tingling. Standing  still, just observing, helped ease the burning, but then my feet would complain. But it felt good to be moving. To move faster than a slow walk and be in full control of it using just my own body.

I miss it. Skating I mean. Dodging in and out of people, while overtaking them, there faces a blur with no time to focus, wind blowing my hair back behind me, each step controlled, crossovers coming automatically on the corners as I pick up speed. A quick movement of shoulders and suddenly traveling backwards, moving with speed and grace. Standing, then spinning. Round and round, keep the other foot out the way, dont let the pic catch and throw you off balance. Stopping and laughing as the rink continues to spin. Making routines, quick turning forwards to backwards and back again, one foot, two foot, spin, jump all in time to the music. Using the middle of the rink, where those who can skate tend to play. Music on, moving to the beat. Seeing people watching, the excitement of it, the thrill of dont let me fall, dont make me look a fool. Or o course, standing at the barrier, thinking and then someone asking you to show them how to do things. It was always such fun. Excitement.

Skating in Scotland May 2008 (me in blue)

I had not long mastered backwards at this point.

I miss it. Miss it so much. Maybe one day, I can go back, one day. We will see.

It was odd though, during the day, I didnt feel out of breathe, yet, I was having trouble getting full sentences out. I have a feeling this chest infection hasnt cleared. But that of course brings on a whole new dilema. Do I speak to the GP and get meds? send off for more cultures? But if that comes back positive, then the next surgery can not go ahead. Or wait it out, let my body have a go at fighting it. Not mention it to the docs, go to theatre on Monday. They always send me home on antibiotics anyway. Lets see how it plays.

They rang yesterday anyway. My tacrolimus levels are still out, far out. Time to increase the meds, then more bloods next week. Tell my liver to behave and my kidneys. I am trying to give them the attention they want, just behave, for now please.

Im going to curl up in bed with a film. night.