I am pacing myself and still doing well. My mood is good and my health is stable and for that I am most thankful. It makes other things easier to face.
And example, tonight, whilst watching casualty with my fambo, one of the stories was a girl who had been raped. She didnt think people would believe her, but then confronted with the person who did it, she was like a rabbit in the headlights. She didnt know what to do, where to go, but the fear, you could see.
I know that it is only acting, but the part was played well and bought back so many memories. It is something I have struggled with for years, still do, but its not something I mention, not something I can bring myself to confront. Mine was differnt, for a lot of reasons, but, I didnt want to go through with charges, because I didnt think people would believe me. And truly, they shouldn't. I would say that I was assaulted, but I could never say that I was forced.
The person who did it, kept me locked in his flat one night when I cared to much and tried to help him. The night was a very long nightmare, where I almost lost my life more than once. I hurt everywhere from being forcably restrained. A 16 year old girl has little chance of escape from a 26 year old male, yet I tried. It resulted in strangulation more than once. To this day, I still feel that I only survived that night due to trying to be cunning and pretending to pass out in hopes of getting him to let go. I think the final time, if I had waited till I passed out fully, I would never have come around. But it was on the third time that I gave up all hope, that I came to the conclusion that nothing matter because I wasnt getting out ever again.
Every beat of my heart seemed to bring a new surge of fear and I fought just to take air in and out of my lungs. I stayed in that state of fear and anxiety for hours that seemed like days. (Months afterwards, I made a comment about it (I never spoke about anything from that time very often, even though my family knew, the police had told them everything they knew) about how she thought it was longer than just one night and all I could think of, was that it felt like it. During that time, I stayed awake, thinking and thinking, of ways that I could escape with my life intact. I tried a few methods, but it never ended how I had hoped.
At some point, he decided that he wanted sex. I said no, of course. But as he continued to pester with sentences such as, I will open the door and let you go as soon as I am done, or I will kill you if you dont, then I can do what I want.
I didnt say no, I just lay there, trying not to think, trying to space my mind away from it all, trying to slow my heart rate down as it felt like it was making a brewak away from my ribcage. It wasnt hard to get lost, everything hurt so much, from my muscles, to my neck, to my head. It was easy to get lost in the pain. But getting lost is differnt from freezing. I know why I did what I did, but I could have fought more, I could have kept saying no.
I did get away in the end, after I had been made to wash and change of course. And to wear something with a higher neck to cover the bruising that was begining to replace the red marks. A friend talked me into going to the police, but even at 16, the police officer who came, was distant and pretty much said, you have no chance of a conviction. It was only the persuasion of the person with me, that made me go through with the exam. I remember that day, even though I hadnt slept for what felt like days, like it were yesterday. I remember, even in the police station, sitting on the floor behind the door and pushing myself into the corner. The room just felt to big and I needed the feel of the walls behind me.
They didnt know where I had gone when they came to look for me, looking through the open door, searching to where I might be, asking each other in the hallway.
These days, I can look back at it distantly. Dont get me wrong, I have never properly been with a person in a sexual way since, but the fear doesnt push as strong now when I think of it. I still have vivid memories, but they are unlikely to go now and I have learnt to live with them.
I remember a friend saying to me long afterwards, that she thought that I was making it up for some reason at first. That given my ages maybe I was being dramtic or something. But then, when he confronted me, that I just took on a totally differnt look, one she hopes never to see on anyone ever again.
That is what it remined me of tonight. I struggled with that for a long time, still do to a point. But gradually starting to come to terms with things. Stopping myself from playing the what if game. Stopped hating myself for things that I did at 16 so much. And although it will never go away, it will fade and become less of an obstacle for me. I think sometimes, I need to remind myself that i need to start forgiving 16 year old me,
Showing posts with label abuse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label abuse. Show all posts
Saturday, February 01, 2014
Sunday, February 07, 2010
Lonely
Im living upto my online name again. Im bitter and its becoming more and more prominent.
Im lonely. Im fed up being alone in all senses of the word. Sure I have some great friends online, but that dosnt help the need when you just want to curl up with someone, or lean on some ones shoulder, to just sit with them and know they know what your thinking.
I mean im what 24 now. The last time I was in a relationship I was 16 and we all know how that ended. I know im damaged goods, but still 8 years, you would have thought I could have picked some desperate soul up.
Maybe Im not in the right place at the moment for a relationship, but you know it might have helped, just to curl up with some one, to cuddle, even if it was a friend. But no, I stopped talking to most of them. Couldnt stand the jealousy. Seeing them get engaged, buy houses, plan weddings, have kids, finish uni, get good jobs. And those I didnt push away purposely ran away screaming anyway. You only accept refusals to go out a certain amount of times before you stop asking. I just wasnt ready and now I cant cope with it. I see all my friends going to festivals, out with friends, generally having a laugh. And I sit in my room and watch from afar. Even if my physical stuff allowed me to go out, I wouldnt be up to it at the moment anyway.
It just hurts you know. Knowing that it is going to be like this for a while. I mean I know I desperately need to lose weight. Its just hard at the moment with all the meds and how hard it is to exercise and such. I know it could be far worse, but I am going to work on it.
But who wants to be with someone who wakes up several times a night feeling like they are drowning. Who has to put the light on and sit up for about 30 mins while they cough half their chest up. You know not exactly sexy is it. Plus the medical equipment in the bedroom, sure that must be a turn on. A suction machine all loaded up ready, a nebuliser, a draw unit full of medication and dressings and other fun medical stuff. And if I was ever to get to the point of actually sleeping with someone (breathing allowing of course) I would prolly need to ask them to wait a minute so I could get comfortable and dismantle myself. Take the hearing aids out, take off the glasses, clean my tubes so I can breathe. Oh and of course how can we forget the whole attractiveness of the body. The stomach that looks like a train map from too much surgery, the tube sticking out of my throat, the stretch marks on my arms and hips, the drain and line scars on my boobs and of course those lovely layers of parrell lines on my legs and arm. The lines that I love, the lines I crave to add to, my own version of surgery. My way of cutting out the bad, even if it dosnt last long. Oh how I miss that.
You see self harm, was always my way company, my friend to turn to when things feel crap. It takes the pain away, its there in the dead of night when everyone else is sleeping, and it stays with you for a while afterwards, giving you that nice stinging feeling every time you move, just to remind you your not alone.
And psych declare me normal so I do just need to get over all this. Learn to move on. Move on with the fact that a true relationship isnt something that I am going to experience in this lifetime, no matter what.
The sooner I get used to the fact that Im not destined for a relationship, the sooner it will hurt less.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Brief history of time [Part 2]
So I ended up back home where I hated being. Things were ok for the first 2 weeks or so.
I decided seeing as I was home I should make the most of things and so with my GCSE results, I headed back to college. The one I went to, I was amazed that I got in, it was classed as the best one in the North West and in my true style, I took on as much as I could in one go. So the first week in September (Two weeks exactly after getting home) I started studying AS level Maths, higher Maths, Physics, English combined and technology and then took on an evening course studying computers.
This was all very well, It meant I had to be in college for 8am and most evenings finished at about 6. At a push Im sure once I got into routine I probably could have managed this, but of course you then have to take into account that it took about 80 minutes in each direction to get into college and 2 buses. Again, cope able with as long as the buses were on time and I had a smooth transfer between them. Of course the first bus I had to get from college was one of the most popular, so the days I got out at the same time as everyone else, you have to add a 20 minute walk on to get to a further away bus stop or else wait about an hour in a queue for a bus with room on it. Add to that the mounds of homework and I think I was bound to fail from the start.
What was more, because of the area the college was in, the students were alot more 'upper class' than me, generally had more money and mostly knew each other from their past schools. I stopped sleeping again, at most getting about 3 hours a night. Going into college and living on energy drinks, caffeine tablets and chocolate.
Of an evening I was regularly 'bunking' on the train as I had no money to go visit Kieran over the water. (The lad I had back at my flat) and by the second week in college, I started leaving after first lesson too go visit him too. most of the time just going back to one of his friends house (he didnt have a place of his own) and either watching tv or making out.
The week after that my parents went on holiday. Kieran pretty much came and lived in my house. Ha my mum had asked my sister Tracey to keep an eye on me while they were away. She came in at about 9 one morning and found us in bed together. She was not best happy at all and kicked him out. Of course I screamed at her and as soon as she left he was back anyway. But that was the end of talking to my sister or even escaping to her house. She worked in the same school that a lot of my friends had gone to and kept quizzing them over me, which of course I took as an invasion of privacy and so things between us got worse an worse.
My parents got back from holiday and things resumed back to normal. Mum and I argued and refused to speak to each other. She would tell me I was grounded except for college, so I would leave for college in the morning and not come back till about 11 at night. She would yell at me again, I would go to bed and get up the next morning and do exactly the same thing.
One day, Kieran introduced me to his friend Dave. Dave was a bit older (26, I was 16 at the time.) He had just gotten out of prison, he said for stealing a car and holding a post office up. Well who was I too judge, the person I was closets to (my brother) had recently gotten out for something similar.
A couple of days later, I had gone around to Daves, thinking i was going to meet Kieran there as had become normal that week. When I got there Kieran was no where to be found and his phone was off. Then Dave told me that he had gotten back together with his ex. Just what I needed. So rather than do the sensible thing of going home, I spent the day drinking flat cider with Dave and playing playstation. It came to being time to go home, I knew I had to leave as the last train was in 15 minutes and it was a 10 minute walk to the station, but I just could not be bothered moving. I asked Dave if he minded if I slept on the couch that night and he said no, so i turned my phone off and didnt bother going home.
That night Dave gave me the bed while he slept in the chair. A true gentleman I thought. But the next day I still didnt feel like going home. So I decided to move out. Dave said I could stay at his till I got a job and my own place sorted and that he would help me with it all. So I put my phone on and text my dad. Told him I was fine and not to worry about me and that I would not be coming home but would ring and make some arrangements to come pick my stuff up at some point, then turned my phone back off.
Over the next few days I managed to sort out a job interview and from that a job working for a catalogue company taking customer orders over the phone. Next to sort out was a place to stay, unfortunately, I kept coming to dead ends. Nobody wanted to rent to a 16 year old in a new job. Dave said to just stay in his as he didnt mind and liked the company. I said it was stupid that there was a double bed and he was sleeping on the sofa so he might as well share the bed and such.
We started drinking... a lot. He got me into weed and I got him in to Ecstasy. Pretty soon we were spending more time wrecked than we were not wrecked. I was even going in to work still off my head with no sleep. A lot went on in that few weeks. While off my face, I went after Kieran with a knife, I met his girlfirend, who was lovley and who hid in our bedroom one day when Kieran knocked and tried to talk me into getting back with him, while he was still going out with her. I met Peter. He lived downstairs and quickly became friends with us. He had a daughter somewhere, and spent most the day off his head on coke and most the night sleeping on his sofa. He was kind and sweet and often ran errands for us. When we were too off our heads to roll up the weed, we used to knock on his door (usually about 4am) and he would roll for us and share it with us. And of course, im sure you saw it coming but I ended up sleeping with Dave, which became a regular thing. Dave one day went to my parents with me so I could pick up my stuff, which wasnt really fun.
After a few weeks the novelty soon began to wear off though. Where I used to think Dave was being nice walking me to work and back, I noticed that he hardly ever let me out of his sight and I began to feel crowded. One day I was texting a male work friend. There was nothing to it, we were merely chatting about work but Dave demanded to see the messages, me being stubborn refused to show him. That might my phone managed to get smashed against the wall, a lot of furniture got thrown around and a table went through the window.
Alarm bells were ringing, but I had no where else to go so the next day Dave apologized profusely and things went back to normal. Until one night we had an argument over something stupid. I refused to go to bed with him that night and instead sat on the sofa reading. He ripped the book out my hand and knocked me across the room. Things continued to go downhill. Dave locked me in the flat a few times and other such fun things. He was a self harmer and if he didnt get his own way or we argued, he often took out a blade and would make me watch while he slit his arms open, telling me it was my fault and it was because he loved me so much. It wasn't merely small wounds either, they would often require stitches and would leave a terrible mess on the floor, sheets, clothes whatever. I knew I had to get out.
I told Dave I was working a long shift so needed to be in work early, but I had arranged to meet Peter. He said he would go with me to get some legal advice and such and see if I could find a way of getting my own place. Something set Dave off that morning walking me in. He ended up pinning me up against the wall and punching me in the stomach a few times. Some passerby dragged him off and I ran to work. 20 mins later came out of hiding from the bathroom and went to meet Peter. The place made an appointment for me to go back in a couple of days while they researched the info for me.
I went into work for my afternoon shift but could not stop shaking and crying so they sent me home early. I went to Peters rather than home. Dave kept calling me all day, I ignored his calls. When the time came that I had to head back, I couldnt face it. Peter said to stay in his and get rid of dave so I did. And went to work the next day, though I had altered my shifts to make sure Dave didnt know when I was in and security were told about the situation incase he turned up.
Halfway though my shift, Peter phoned, said Dave had come down to his and pretty much collapsed on the floor with his arms a bloody mess. Peter had called an ambulance and made him go to hospital for stitches where he had needed over a hundred. He said Dave just wanted to talk and that if i was willing we could meet in a public place or in peters and he would stay to make sure nothing happened. Me feeling guilty agreed and so we meet in peters flat that night.
Dave tried to get me to go back but I refused, he got angry, he got sad and then he gave up, or so i thought. Said I should come get my stuff from his place and implied that he wouldnt be around tomorrow or again after that night. Again Peter agreed to help me and so I started shifting my stuff. What I found out later was that As I was putting stuff in the lift to go to peters flat, dave was taking it back out and hiding it. Daves flat was a mess. It looked like a murder scene, all the windows had been put through, most the furniture was lying around broke, there was blood everywhere and the smell of it was disgusting. Just incase, while taking all my stuff out, I removed every sharp object I could find from Daves. All the knives, razors and scissors I packed up and sent them down to peters too. After all it was me who had made him cut the last few weeks so I didnt want it on my conscious if he killed himself.
Peter got called away right at the last minute, I said he could go as Dave had been behaving and I only had the last few bits to get. I just assumed Dave had given up and was wallowing. He had locked himself in the bedroom which was fine by me. I went into the living room to get the last of the stuff and then I heard a loud band and a click. There by the front door stood Dave with the keys in his hands and a grin on his face. He had taken all the bandages off his arms so all his stitches were on display. I knew this would not end good.
He came into the living room, begging me to spend just one last night with him. I of course refused. I shouted at him to let me go. He just stood there calm as anything. I began shouting for help, I hoped that the windows being broke the neighbors would hear me. He obviously had the same idea and so he grabbed me, and put his arm around my neck and pulled tight. I was gasping for air. I tried to kick him, I tried to scream, I tried to escape, all with no luck. I awoke a few mins later on the floor.
Once again, i tried to get to the door and scream, once again the arm went round my neck till I passed out. The third time he did it, I tried to out smart him. I thought perhaps if i faked passing out quicker he would let go quicker so i just went limp and stopped moving. He didnt let go. I woke a while later. I could tell it had been longer than the last two times, the room was darker and Dave was sitting on the other side of the room crying. I dont think I will ever forget that night or the feel of his arm around my neck. The feeling of the stitches rubbing and irritating my neck, the gasping feeling, believing it was the end.
Through the night he kept telling me how easy it would be to kill me, how he could do it now and then finish himself off to. How it would be the perfect ending. How it would prove his love. How if he couldnt have me he would make sure that no one else could either. I sat on the sofa feeling rather dazed. I remember giving up at one point and telling him to just kill me and get it over and done with.
He made me lie down on the sofa while he sat on the chair. Kept saying if i just spent one more night with him he would let me go in the morning instead of killing me. I kept refusing. We sat in silence for a long time. After a while he fell asleep. I got up quietly as i could and tried to get to the phone. I dont know who i would have called as im sure he would have woken up at the sound of the phone.
Turns out he did wake up as i was getting across the room. He dragged me back to the sofa and decided that he would lie on the sofa with me so he would feel if i moved. He fell asleep on my shoulder. It was one long night. I watched the through the small window as the sun came up over the skyline. It was so cold, the flat smelt so strongly, that rusty blood smell and the dawn seemed to take forever to come. I lay there not daring to move, trembling and crying. I truly believed that I wasnt going to get out of there alive.
He awoke about 6 and tried to cuddle me. I didnt move.
I eventually plucked up the courage to say well I spent the night with you now can I go. To which he laughed. He moved the goal post. He said if I slept with him one last time then he would let me go. I knew there was no end to this. After a few more threats to kill me, I eventually just said do what you want. So he did. He took me right there in that smelly cold room while i lay there not moving, tears running down my face.
He must have been aroused by it all, it didnt take him long, maybe 3 or 4 goes. When he was done he just lay there still in me and laughed, flashing those manky teeth. I just looked at him. He said after all that it was harldy worth it was it. He withdrew and went and got washed and changed.
When he came back I asked him if I could go now. He told me I had to go change my top (my current one was covered in snot an wet from tears) and that I had to clean myself up, wash my face, brush my hair and teeth and such. He wanted me to get a bath but I wouldnt.
Once i had done as he asked I asked if i could go, he shrugged. I begged. I promised him I would not say a word to anyone ever about that night. Told him I didnt want anyone to know so wasnt going to tell anyone. That I would get back with him, but that I needed a few days to sort my head out. That I wanted to go stay with a friend for a short while and then i would come back and live with him again. He eventually agreed to let me go and said he would walk me to the train station.
We got downstairs in the flats and he suddenly decided that he had to give me his mobile so he could get in touch with me and so he made me walk back up to the flat. I didnt think he would let me go again, i thought here we go again. But he got the phone and walked me to the train station, bought me a ticket and waited on the platform with me. It was still early and the place was dead. He put his arms around me, trying to cuddle me. I just stood there.
As the train came, he said on second thoughts, better give me that phone I need it and he took it back as I got onto the train.
I decided seeing as I was home I should make the most of things and so with my GCSE results, I headed back to college. The one I went to, I was amazed that I got in, it was classed as the best one in the North West and in my true style, I took on as much as I could in one go. So the first week in September (Two weeks exactly after getting home) I started studying AS level Maths, higher Maths, Physics, English combined and technology and then took on an evening course studying computers.
This was all very well, It meant I had to be in college for 8am and most evenings finished at about 6. At a push Im sure once I got into routine I probably could have managed this, but of course you then have to take into account that it took about 80 minutes in each direction to get into college and 2 buses. Again, cope able with as long as the buses were on time and I had a smooth transfer between them. Of course the first bus I had to get from college was one of the most popular, so the days I got out at the same time as everyone else, you have to add a 20 minute walk on to get to a further away bus stop or else wait about an hour in a queue for a bus with room on it. Add to that the mounds of homework and I think I was bound to fail from the start.
What was more, because of the area the college was in, the students were alot more 'upper class' than me, generally had more money and mostly knew each other from their past schools. I stopped sleeping again, at most getting about 3 hours a night. Going into college and living on energy drinks, caffeine tablets and chocolate.
Of an evening I was regularly 'bunking' on the train as I had no money to go visit Kieran over the water. (The lad I had back at my flat) and by the second week in college, I started leaving after first lesson too go visit him too. most of the time just going back to one of his friends house (he didnt have a place of his own) and either watching tv or making out.
The week after that my parents went on holiday. Kieran pretty much came and lived in my house. Ha my mum had asked my sister Tracey to keep an eye on me while they were away. She came in at about 9 one morning and found us in bed together. She was not best happy at all and kicked him out. Of course I screamed at her and as soon as she left he was back anyway. But that was the end of talking to my sister or even escaping to her house. She worked in the same school that a lot of my friends had gone to and kept quizzing them over me, which of course I took as an invasion of privacy and so things between us got worse an worse.
My parents got back from holiday and things resumed back to normal. Mum and I argued and refused to speak to each other. She would tell me I was grounded except for college, so I would leave for college in the morning and not come back till about 11 at night. She would yell at me again, I would go to bed and get up the next morning and do exactly the same thing.
One day, Kieran introduced me to his friend Dave. Dave was a bit older (26, I was 16 at the time.) He had just gotten out of prison, he said for stealing a car and holding a post office up. Well who was I too judge, the person I was closets to (my brother) had recently gotten out for something similar.
A couple of days later, I had gone around to Daves, thinking i was going to meet Kieran there as had become normal that week. When I got there Kieran was no where to be found and his phone was off. Then Dave told me that he had gotten back together with his ex. Just what I needed. So rather than do the sensible thing of going home, I spent the day drinking flat cider with Dave and playing playstation. It came to being time to go home, I knew I had to leave as the last train was in 15 minutes and it was a 10 minute walk to the station, but I just could not be bothered moving. I asked Dave if he minded if I slept on the couch that night and he said no, so i turned my phone off and didnt bother going home.
That night Dave gave me the bed while he slept in the chair. A true gentleman I thought. But the next day I still didnt feel like going home. So I decided to move out. Dave said I could stay at his till I got a job and my own place sorted and that he would help me with it all. So I put my phone on and text my dad. Told him I was fine and not to worry about me and that I would not be coming home but would ring and make some arrangements to come pick my stuff up at some point, then turned my phone back off.
Over the next few days I managed to sort out a job interview and from that a job working for a catalogue company taking customer orders over the phone. Next to sort out was a place to stay, unfortunately, I kept coming to dead ends. Nobody wanted to rent to a 16 year old in a new job. Dave said to just stay in his as he didnt mind and liked the company. I said it was stupid that there was a double bed and he was sleeping on the sofa so he might as well share the bed and such.
We started drinking... a lot. He got me into weed and I got him in to Ecstasy. Pretty soon we were spending more time wrecked than we were not wrecked. I was even going in to work still off my head with no sleep. A lot went on in that few weeks. While off my face, I went after Kieran with a knife, I met his girlfirend, who was lovley and who hid in our bedroom one day when Kieran knocked and tried to talk me into getting back with him, while he was still going out with her. I met Peter. He lived downstairs and quickly became friends with us. He had a daughter somewhere, and spent most the day off his head on coke and most the night sleeping on his sofa. He was kind and sweet and often ran errands for us. When we were too off our heads to roll up the weed, we used to knock on his door (usually about 4am) and he would roll for us and share it with us. And of course, im sure you saw it coming but I ended up sleeping with Dave, which became a regular thing. Dave one day went to my parents with me so I could pick up my stuff, which wasnt really fun.
After a few weeks the novelty soon began to wear off though. Where I used to think Dave was being nice walking me to work and back, I noticed that he hardly ever let me out of his sight and I began to feel crowded. One day I was texting a male work friend. There was nothing to it, we were merely chatting about work but Dave demanded to see the messages, me being stubborn refused to show him. That might my phone managed to get smashed against the wall, a lot of furniture got thrown around and a table went through the window.
Alarm bells were ringing, but I had no where else to go so the next day Dave apologized profusely and things went back to normal. Until one night we had an argument over something stupid. I refused to go to bed with him that night and instead sat on the sofa reading. He ripped the book out my hand and knocked me across the room. Things continued to go downhill. Dave locked me in the flat a few times and other such fun things. He was a self harmer and if he didnt get his own way or we argued, he often took out a blade and would make me watch while he slit his arms open, telling me it was my fault and it was because he loved me so much. It wasn't merely small wounds either, they would often require stitches and would leave a terrible mess on the floor, sheets, clothes whatever. I knew I had to get out.
I told Dave I was working a long shift so needed to be in work early, but I had arranged to meet Peter. He said he would go with me to get some legal advice and such and see if I could find a way of getting my own place. Something set Dave off that morning walking me in. He ended up pinning me up against the wall and punching me in the stomach a few times. Some passerby dragged him off and I ran to work. 20 mins later came out of hiding from the bathroom and went to meet Peter. The place made an appointment for me to go back in a couple of days while they researched the info for me.
I went into work for my afternoon shift but could not stop shaking and crying so they sent me home early. I went to Peters rather than home. Dave kept calling me all day, I ignored his calls. When the time came that I had to head back, I couldnt face it. Peter said to stay in his and get rid of dave so I did. And went to work the next day, though I had altered my shifts to make sure Dave didnt know when I was in and security were told about the situation incase he turned up.
Halfway though my shift, Peter phoned, said Dave had come down to his and pretty much collapsed on the floor with his arms a bloody mess. Peter had called an ambulance and made him go to hospital for stitches where he had needed over a hundred. He said Dave just wanted to talk and that if i was willing we could meet in a public place or in peters and he would stay to make sure nothing happened. Me feeling guilty agreed and so we meet in peters flat that night.
Dave tried to get me to go back but I refused, he got angry, he got sad and then he gave up, or so i thought. Said I should come get my stuff from his place and implied that he wouldnt be around tomorrow or again after that night. Again Peter agreed to help me and so I started shifting my stuff. What I found out later was that As I was putting stuff in the lift to go to peters flat, dave was taking it back out and hiding it. Daves flat was a mess. It looked like a murder scene, all the windows had been put through, most the furniture was lying around broke, there was blood everywhere and the smell of it was disgusting. Just incase, while taking all my stuff out, I removed every sharp object I could find from Daves. All the knives, razors and scissors I packed up and sent them down to peters too. After all it was me who had made him cut the last few weeks so I didnt want it on my conscious if he killed himself.
Peter got called away right at the last minute, I said he could go as Dave had been behaving and I only had the last few bits to get. I just assumed Dave had given up and was wallowing. He had locked himself in the bedroom which was fine by me. I went into the living room to get the last of the stuff and then I heard a loud band and a click. There by the front door stood Dave with the keys in his hands and a grin on his face. He had taken all the bandages off his arms so all his stitches were on display. I knew this would not end good.
He came into the living room, begging me to spend just one last night with him. I of course refused. I shouted at him to let me go. He just stood there calm as anything. I began shouting for help, I hoped that the windows being broke the neighbors would hear me. He obviously had the same idea and so he grabbed me, and put his arm around my neck and pulled tight. I was gasping for air. I tried to kick him, I tried to scream, I tried to escape, all with no luck. I awoke a few mins later on the floor.
Once again, i tried to get to the door and scream, once again the arm went round my neck till I passed out. The third time he did it, I tried to out smart him. I thought perhaps if i faked passing out quicker he would let go quicker so i just went limp and stopped moving. He didnt let go. I woke a while later. I could tell it had been longer than the last two times, the room was darker and Dave was sitting on the other side of the room crying. I dont think I will ever forget that night or the feel of his arm around my neck. The feeling of the stitches rubbing and irritating my neck, the gasping feeling, believing it was the end.
Through the night he kept telling me how easy it would be to kill me, how he could do it now and then finish himself off to. How it would be the perfect ending. How it would prove his love. How if he couldnt have me he would make sure that no one else could either. I sat on the sofa feeling rather dazed. I remember giving up at one point and telling him to just kill me and get it over and done with.
He made me lie down on the sofa while he sat on the chair. Kept saying if i just spent one more night with him he would let me go in the morning instead of killing me. I kept refusing. We sat in silence for a long time. After a while he fell asleep. I got up quietly as i could and tried to get to the phone. I dont know who i would have called as im sure he would have woken up at the sound of the phone.
Turns out he did wake up as i was getting across the room. He dragged me back to the sofa and decided that he would lie on the sofa with me so he would feel if i moved. He fell asleep on my shoulder. It was one long night. I watched the through the small window as the sun came up over the skyline. It was so cold, the flat smelt so strongly, that rusty blood smell and the dawn seemed to take forever to come. I lay there not daring to move, trembling and crying. I truly believed that I wasnt going to get out of there alive.
He awoke about 6 and tried to cuddle me. I didnt move.
I eventually plucked up the courage to say well I spent the night with you now can I go. To which he laughed. He moved the goal post. He said if I slept with him one last time then he would let me go. I knew there was no end to this. After a few more threats to kill me, I eventually just said do what you want. So he did. He took me right there in that smelly cold room while i lay there not moving, tears running down my face.
He must have been aroused by it all, it didnt take him long, maybe 3 or 4 goes. When he was done he just lay there still in me and laughed, flashing those manky teeth. I just looked at him. He said after all that it was harldy worth it was it. He withdrew and went and got washed and changed.
When he came back I asked him if I could go now. He told me I had to go change my top (my current one was covered in snot an wet from tears) and that I had to clean myself up, wash my face, brush my hair and teeth and such. He wanted me to get a bath but I wouldnt.
Once i had done as he asked I asked if i could go, he shrugged. I begged. I promised him I would not say a word to anyone ever about that night. Told him I didnt want anyone to know so wasnt going to tell anyone. That I would get back with him, but that I needed a few days to sort my head out. That I wanted to go stay with a friend for a short while and then i would come back and live with him again. He eventually agreed to let me go and said he would walk me to the train station.
We got downstairs in the flats and he suddenly decided that he had to give me his mobile so he could get in touch with me and so he made me walk back up to the flat. I didnt think he would let me go again, i thought here we go again. But he got the phone and walked me to the train station, bought me a ticket and waited on the platform with me. It was still early and the place was dead. He put his arms around me, trying to cuddle me. I just stood there.
As the train came, he said on second thoughts, better give me that phone I need it and he took it back as I got onto the train.
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