Move on

I am still in. I am actually kinda enjoying the rest that comes with being in at the minute. Being able to sit still for long periods without having to be doing things. Sleeping isnt great, I have to be awake early for them to set my meds up and then they like to continually wake you up throughout the morning for things like breakfast, meds, ordering tea, physio, all the fun stuff. So I am still pretty whacked out.

Today I have a new cannula. They are actually behaving pretty well, in that they are lasting a couple of doses at a time, which is great.

Boo!!

I usually try to be as compliant as I can while I am in the hospital. Doing all my treatments and such, but I try to fit them into the morning. Then after my afternoon IV meds, I go home for a couple of hours. I live close to the hospital and have been loving the walk to and from each day. The leaves crisp under foot, the chill in the air that allows me to breathe and just the chance to clear my mind.

Yesterday, i thought that the doctor rounds were in the afternoon, and so i went out in the morning.  Ended up getting back late and missed all the doctors who came to see me, including the one about putting a port in for me. oops. So got to sit tight and wait on that one now. Also got to try and work it with the night staff on Thursday night to let me come back to the ward at a ridcolously late time as I am meant to be going to the midnight showing of Breaking Dawn in the cinemas. Hopefully that will work out.

I am trying not to be too hard on myself. It has been a difficult couple of weeks and I dont think I have given it much thought. There was the whole oo I might go to sixth form, but was then in hopital and couldnt make it to the first few sessions so put that on hold, there was the whole, oh my airway is now scaring even more and now has collapsed. The loss of my voice, the being sick whilst away and then the can i cant I make it on holiday dilemma  that still has me wound up. Its like it is a constant battle with my health sometimes, but most of all, I dont want to lose sight of who I am. However, each blow feels like a set back and each time it takes me a while to get over the setback and move on.

I now have a plan for moving on. It is in its very early days as in, I am only just researching. I am considering doing a distant learning course. Now part of the good bit I was hoping with going back to college was the social side, I wouldnt get that with an open learning course. However, I would still get the focus and achievement. I am thinking of studying for A level Biology. I have the money saved that was for my holiday, so that would be how I would finance it. It would mean if I were unwell one week, it wouldnt matter to much.

So why biology. Well, I still have that conversation with the doctor stuck in my head when he said I should train to be one. If i got my A level biology and then A level chemistry  I would be all set to apply to uni. Ok there is no way I could do uni at the minute, but by the time I got both qualifications, I am hoping I would be feeling better and able to breathe. Its still just a thought, but even if I never made it to uni, the biology would be helpful. I have been doing a little more work on the site I started in relation to airway problems. I have been trying to do one piece of work a day for it. I havnt managed it every day as things get in the way such as side effects from the IV meds and just not feeling up to it. But it is all progress and as sad as it may sound, I feel a sense of pride with it. Kinda a ner ner look what I can still do. Time will tell I guess.

So yep, that is what is running through my mind at present. That and many other things like stress of builders and not knowing what I can do to help with a home situation, but thats a whole other story.

And now my wrist is hurting so I shall take that as s sign to stop typing before I ruin another cannula.

Panicking that GP

Uni seems to be going okay, although I have a ton of work to do and absolutely no motivation to do it. I have half term next week so Im going to make sure I work on some of the assignments then. I have on assignment due in on the 5th November, which I want finished by the end of half term and I really want to get a good start on Sid assignment. too.

I seem to be getting on better in Uni. I actually talk to all the lads now and even went over to subway with them for dinner on Wednesday. That was hard work, keeping up with them without panting. I made an excuse that I was going the loo and would meet them later so that I could walk a different way only a bit slower.

Was allowed to leave early (3 instead of 4) which was good because I was beginning to rattle again. Mum was putting the tea on when I got in. She was son having a go at me over how lazy I am. I told her im tired all the time and if I go to uni, I dont have the energy to come home and do stuff. To which she told me that I was going to be like this for the foreseeable future so I should just get used to it and stop using it as an excuse to be lazy. Yeah because just knowing that I am going to be like this means I can suddenly do things that I couldnt before I knew i was going to be like this. just urgh. We had a row about how many times i had done the dishes ha. There was only one day i didnt do them, but she claims i hadnt done them all week.

So anyway, 5 came and I had a GP appointment, to which I attended with my mum and a whole list of problems. I needed to check I could still get the flu jab with my current meds as I wasnt sure with being on steroids. I can and so need to book this in soon. I needed to tell her about ditching my psych and ask her to fill the form in for my disabled badge application. I also mentioned that I had a terrible hand tremor that was worse of a morning and that there had been some concerns about my blood pressure and pulse while I was in hospital.

So she checked my bp and then checked again on my other arm and it was high. (190/120, pulse 128) She seemed shocked and read through my notes. She then asked me to wait outside as she wanted to do it again in 30mins to make sure it wasnt a one off or from exertion. I certainly got a long appointment. She was shocked that my BP had been left as high as it was and only let me go home on the condition that I wasnt alone and if I felt ill, I was to go straight to A&E and she would phone me the next day when she had more info.

So today, she rang me and asked me to come back down and see her. She repeated my bp again on both arms, it was the same as yesterday. She had phoned Leeds for my last lot of blood tests from Liver clinic and she had phone Cardio for my last blood results while I was in there. all of them came back clear, however there was no thyroid function in either place so she sent me for a blood test for this and did a whole work up while she was there. She then said she would ring me later and sent me home.

She called about 7 o'clock. Apparently she had been trying to get hold of my surgeon who did my throat surgery to ask why nothing had been done about my BP and to ask his advice on medication. Apparently the heart meds she wants me on can cause breathing problems so she wanted to get his advice. However, he hadnt returned her call. So she asked if I would be ok over the weekend. Again if I felt ill to go straight to A&E. I have an appointment with my surgeon on Monday anyway and she will have the blood results back by then and will see me again in the afternoon. She will probably start me on beta blockers if my thyroid comes back fine.

Oh what joy more meds. She did seem really concerned with how high it was though, which is a little worrying. Why didnt the hospital do anything if it was that bad? Instead of just saying well that must just be your normal. Its not normal and its damaging so yeah. She also wants to stop my psych meds incase these are causing my BP to be high. So im now taking 75mg less of venlafaxine. This will be fun, still depressed yet stopping the anti depressants and my psych dont want to know. hmm we shall see.