It goes on

Do you ever do that thing, where you kinda compose letters of blogs in your head, I guess its kinda like talking to yourself. They always turn out so well worded in your head and never so once written out. I think this post is going to be one of those. I have been composing it for a few days and yet I cant recal what I wanted to write.

The other night, was kinda monumental for me. To be 25 and going on my first date. I am also very proud of myself for doing it. a first date is a scary prospect for anyone, let alone to do it with any medical crap still going on, I think was a big step. It kinda showed me that life can go on pretty normal, even when I dont feel normal.

Alas, it wasnt to be and no more will come of that date. I was a little sad about it at first, but I guess it would be silly to even think of things being perfect from the start.

I think, that in my head, I want the perfect romance. I want the fairytale knight in shinning armour, the prince the whip me off my feet and to fall head over heels for someone who feels the same for me. I want the disney ending. But Cinderella rushed home so her dress didnt disappear, she wasnt worried about her scarf slipping from her neck. Belle lived with the beast, with no worry of how to deal with coughing up blood during dinner, i guess if she did there might have been a little hoover person to come clean up. Sleeping beauty awaited a kiss from her prince, she wasnt thinking about not having breath flowing through her mouth when she kissed him back.

I guess what I am saying, is that right now, I dont feel much like a princess so how could I expect a prince to come find me. If i want a fairytale relationship, my mind can not be in turmoil with my body. And although i have come a long way to accepting my current circumstance, I still have a way to go.

But that is not to say I have any regrets. Life is still going pretty amazingly. Being able to breathe is so amazing. I dont fall asleep if I sit still for more than a few minutes. I can do simple things again, like blow drying my hair and changing my bed. And whilst I still dont want this to be all I have, It is a firm foundation to build on.

I am starting to be more independant. Doing more to help around the house, being more active and actully considering finding my own place. What is more, I have the support of my parents in this and that means a huge amount. I am doing things right, sensibly. Not my usual jump in with both feet and get stuck.

Things are going in the right direction and I couldnt be happier right now. Breathing is so underrated.

Halloween

I made it out for Halloween!!

I woke up and still felt rough, but no worse than I had the day before, so I rested for a while, clocks had gone back an hour so I had an extra hour to rest anyway hehe.

I started the day by sitting in the kitchen in my PJs eating a sausage sandwich and carving my Pumpkin. Mum had done sausages for breakfast but didnt want to wake me so left mine cooked in the fridge, I was able to just heat them and eat, I have this phobia thing of cooking sausages, I can never cook them right, so I avoid it at all costs. So the TV went on and I got to work on my Pumpkin. I was something I had said I wanted to do this year, as I have never ever carved one in my life. Well it came out wonderfully!!

I even added a bat in the background. Of course, me being a big kid, couldnt wait until dark to see it lit up, luckily, our downstairs bathroom dosnt have any windows in it, so I was able to balance it on top of the loo to light it up and photo it. I sent a picture to my mum, who rang me to ask where I had bought that from hehe.

So then, I began to get ready. I took it all very slow, literally, it took me about 3 hours just to get ready. My makeup didnt come out anywhere like I wanted it to and I wasnt entirely happy with my costume, but I loved my wings!! And as they say, you learn from your  mistakes for next time.

Though, I did make the mistake of getting all ready, then getting int he car and realizing that I needed petrol. Yeah, I got a fair few odd looks in the petrol station and one of the till operators had a little girl with her who was whispering to her mum to ask me if I was going out that night. It was so sweet. But I could hardly answer as my voice completely died.

This is my nieces pumpkin.

I gutted it for her, but she did all the design and carving herself.

My nephew wanted a fancy design, so we worked on his together. He wanted Sonic, so after a fair few failed attempts at drawing him, I finally managed to get one that looked ok and so we carved him out.

Later on, I was just sitting talking to my sister for a bit with a glass of wine and some music. Its ages since we had a proper chat, what with me not being able to use the phone and such so it was nice. But lately, I find that my hands need to be busy. I hate just sitting, even if its watching TV without something in my hands. So my nephews pumpkin was still sitting on the table, so I took a pen and began sketching on the back. Before I knew it I was left with this.

Its stitch! Though it looks kinda gruesome as you can see the marks of sonic n the background and so it looks like stitch has had surgery on his head. I also did hello kitty on the on the side and the disney logo on the other side, but I was just playing by then.

So it was a fun, but exhausting night.

As I said, it has been a long time since I have spent that much time with my sister, it was nice to catch up, but also in a way, she got to more so see where I am up to health wise at present. After walking up the path, she called me darth vada as she could hear me a mile off and at one point she asked how on earth I manage to sleep as I was coughing so much.

My cough did seem bad that night, but I think that was because it was warm in her living room, but the cough has still stayed to this point, so yeah.

Things are strange with my breathing. I would say that it is not to bad at the moment, considering this time frame after surgery, is when I would usually be seeing my surgeon. But then, when I think about it, it is still bad, I just think I have adjusted to it now.

When I first got the trach out, it was like wow my breathing is great and I was suddenly able to do things. Then it started to go downhill and every step down felt like a big deal. It was a huge step from feeling great to needing surgery. Now however, even the surgery dosnt leave me feeling good, so its not such a big step anymore and I in a way expect it.

I walked up the stairs earlier and mum was in her room, I was putting washing on the rail to dry, totally oblivious with my mind on other things, until I heard my mum shout something, I put my head around the door as I couldnt make out what she had shouted. Turns out she had shouted that I sounded like a steam train and the fact that she could hear that through a closed over door.

So I dont know. I think perhaps, my breathing is now, at the stage I was at with the trach, minus the horrible bits that go with the trach. I guess I will find out more next week hopefully. It just gets annoying as there is so much that I want to be doing and getting on with my life. The things my friends are doing, working, house buying, having relationships, having fun. I will get there one day, I know I will, for now, I just need to pace myself. I can still do most things, I just have to do them slower than I would like.