Annoyance

I painted my nails todays.
Well actully I painted them a couple of days ago with metallic silver. However, being the cool person that I am, I turned the silver into purple, from my hair. But alas, I had chipped it so today, I am rocking the Black and gold look.

I like this look.
Plus, its about the most I have done today.
Well technically thats not true, its still be radio clinic today. As of yet, mum isnt displaying any super powers. I was hoping she was going to learn to fly or move stuff with her mind, but alas, she is still the same mum. Albeit a mum coming down with a cold. Which gives me the opportunity to seek revenge and say, well you should have gotten your flu injection, like she usually spouts at me every year ha.

I have also been working on a card, but I threw it to one side in frustration. I am working in blue, and I just dont do blue on cards ha.

I think I am more just frustrated in general. my peak flows have taken another drop, the highest I can get them to today, after nebs is 200. I was coughing in the kitchen earlier and dad came to make sure I was ok, because, in his words ' I dont sound ok.' But again, coughing is relatively normal as is the restriction. The aching heavy feeling in the bottom of my lungs though, is a different story. But alas, I have clinic on Thursday, where I think, I may just beg him to fix me, or just like get rid of this pain. I wonder if its fluid building up again gah.

But even more annoying, is that my stomach refuses to let the lungs have all the attention. It must be close to 3 weeks now, since it behaved. And its getting tiring. I am alternating between having to run the loo, inc. several times a night, and then a couple of days, of being very gasy. I know im very classy with my description. Its just that I know I have to be careful to make sure my meds are all still being absorbed and rightfully, I should see a doc. But shoulds dont always happen and I hate talking tummy troubles with docs. I'm such a kid.

Anyway, off to watch some youtube junk and finish off apple tea before.

cest le vie

Rachy passed away today. She was a fighter & and inspiration thats for sure. Breathe ease Rach. My thoughts are with her friends and family tonight. x (http://lungs-for-life.blogspot.com/)

I have discovered a way to get my hypertonic saline running easier without it leaving me in agony.
Usually, as my throat is being scraped every 4-6 weeks, it gets raw. I cough a lot, which irritates it more. So running hypertonic becomes a little painful. (think chapped/split lips and eat salt and vinegar crisp)

So anyway, tonight, I have had my humidifier on most of the evening and just left it on whilst running my nebs. oh it was heaven. As my throat is warm and moist, the salt isnt sticking, so im hoping its going into my lungs better. Weird feeling though, as I am blowing out through my mouth piece, the steam coming out was warm and so the plastic piece in my mouth was going warm.

The reason I am on my humidifier is my own fault. Last night, my body refused to shut down for sleep, so when my alarm went off at 7:30, the first thing that came to mind is, who hit me over the head with a hammer, closely followed with, who has been feeding my drugs as my vision was very wavy. After reassuring myself that no, I didnt go out last night, this cant be a hangover, my mind clicked, that it was in fact a migraine. I hate migraines. I have had them since I was about 5, though they started as stomach migraine. Managed to take some meds for it, but of course they take nearly an hour to kick in and this morning was not one I could delay or disrupt, today was about supporting mum.I managed the basic tasks like dressing, but the thought of nebbing when my head felt like it was splitting, was not a thought I could bare. It just wasnt an option.

So radiotherapy clinic went ok, though it is the first one so will take a while to hit in. But the staff seem nice enough so yeh.

By afternoon my head was still pounding, so I decided to nap it off. After about an hour, I remember half waking, but not being able to wake anymore. Thinking, something is not right, I cant breathe. After a scary few minutes, trying to wake up enough to get help, I managed to move to my other side, with aims of getting up, but quickly falling back into the abyss.

When Dad woke me later, I was breathing better than earlier, but still not great. I checked my peak flows and it was 110. I was like WTF!! Its been a long time since that low, were talking pre trach days, so god knows what it would have been when it woke me.

I have loads of treatments tonight and its back to 220, but just incase, I have made sure my emergency bells are still reachable.

Its just an odd feeling. Im not being all woe about this, I know its my own fault and I can take it in my stride, its just a little scare, to keep me on my toes. But it is annoying, today, isnt about me. My parents dont need any of this, I need to be supporting my mum. I cant afford to get sick right now. And the thought of not seeing a doc for 3 months, makes me a little nervous.

But alas. Tomorrow is a new day, and we begin again. Tomorrow I will wake refreshed from a nice sleep. I have just changed my bed and I am looking froward to snuggling down.

Well...

I have been struggling to come to terms with some new adjustments the last week or so. Its been a messy complicated time. I really have no other words to describe it. Today, I was due news regarding it and hoped for the best, thinking it wouldnt really change the outcome much. But it has. Thought I should get this down in my blog, before the real storm hits and it overcomes me once again.

Just over two weeks ago, my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. Since then, she has been off work and on sleeping tablets. I will admit it now, my first reaction was the one that I try to have with everything, to be hopeful and I said that to her, its not a death a sentence. Sure there will be surgery and radio therapy for a few weeks, but once that is done with, there is a good chance to go on without any other problems.

Then I started to get angry with her. She has always brought me to deal with things, to carry on as normal for as long as you can as getting out of routine makes things worse and gives you more time to think about think about everything. And here she was doing the opposite. What was making me more irritated, was that she seemed to think that because she was off work, we could do all kinds, like clean the house top to bottom and spend long periods of time out of the house. Regardless of her situation I wasnt up to that.

Today, we have just found out that the cancer is stage 3. She needs fairly urgent surgery and it will probably be a full mastectomy. She will also need Chemo and more than likely Radiotherapy as well.

I had hoped so much that it wasnt going to be this advanced. From what I recall from my studying, the survival rate for stage 3 was something like 50%. She will lose her hair, she will be sick constantly, she will pick up tons of bugs.

Its a lot to take in. I know right now that she needs me to be strong. I need to be able to take her for treatments and look after her when she is home. I have no problem with becoming her career, but am I physically able to do it? I need to arrange London around it. They are going to try and fit me in for a laser in 2 weeks time as I am struggling now, major headaches and difficulty waking up and weak muscles. They want to admit me for my big op at the second week in May. I think I am going to ask them to put it off for a couple of months. To just keep going with the laser for a while. That way, I can manage it in day cases and get back home to my mum.

We shall see I guess.