Onwards we go

Today has been hard.
I am really bad at getting myself off the internet of a night and into bed. It seems once bed time starts ticking round, I remember all kinds that I have to do and as a result dont get to sleep till stupid o'clock. Last night it was about 1am. This would normally be fine, but I knew that i had to be up at 7:15 for college. Still I could cope with that. Except that yet again at 3 I woke up gasping as if my throat was closing. Sleepily sat up and set my nebuliser up and ran that through for about 20 minutes till I could breathe again and went back to sleep. Woke up again at 5:30 once again unable to breathe properly. It does clear pretty easy with a neb, but its the effort of waking up, plugging in the machine (Its on the other side of my double bed) and sitting there while it runs.

So I went to college, first lesson, so less than an hour since I had last ran my nebs. Went to ask a question as I was stuck with my virtual networking server and nothing came out. My voice completely died. This made it really hard to keep up with the lesson. I missed last weeks lesson as I that was when I was having my bronchoscopy so I had work to catch up on. But could I find out what work I needed to catch up on? no not really.

By second lesson, I was ready to go home. My breathing started to feel tight again. Changing classrooms, I stopped at the loo in between so I could sit down and get my breathe back. I managed to make it through all 3 of my lessons, but it was getting harder and harder. I was literally sucking the air into my lungs. It was starting to get scary, at one point I thought I was going to pass out and I couldnt cough anything up as my throat was to dry to shift anything. I started thinking about what would happen if I collapsed in college. I have no idea. None of the tutors are medically trained and I would feel so ashamed if anything like that happened.

Even my tutor comment on my breathing today. He kept asking me through the lesson if I was ok, to which I kept nodding. After the lesson he said told me that I sounded awful and that I should go home and rest. He also said he was proud of the way I was still carrying on with the course and coming in right after being discharged from hospital and stuff.

I slowly walked to my car, which was parked right next to the door. I was sucking in breath as best I could but it felt like my lungs where on fire and I had to sit still in the car for about 15 minutes while I regained my breath enough to drive.

I cant live like this. Its driving me nuts not being able to even walk between rooms. I emailed my surgeon last night. (remember what I said about always remembering around bed time that I had things to do, well it was kinda midnight) Well anyway, he got my email this morning and rang the house phone to speak to me. When he got no answer he started panicking incase I had arrested again. He phoned my mum at work and asked her why I wasnt answering the phone. She rang me to make sure I was ok and stuff.

So I havnt actually spoken to my surgeon, but he basically told mum that there is nothing he can do really as every time he does anything, even a scope, i get worse. He said that if I am really struggling then to phone the ward but he dosnt know what else to suggest. He is also out of the country next week so I need to try and make sure I dont get ill then. Dont think i would trust any of the other surgeons in the hospital as I have always been under the same one. Just have to try to preserver.

It would also appear that the Amlodipine has not started to work yet even after doubling the dose. I had to go for an ECG yesterday morning and my pulse then was 127. Taken the ECG to the doctors so I suppose I will find out the results of that on Thursday evening at my appointment. Also had to go for yet more blood tests, this time a fasting glucose and a hemoglobin. Again, will get the results on Thursday.

Im just so tired of everything at the moment. I have a ton of work to do for uni and I just cant concentrate on it. I wonder if my oxygen levels effect my concentration? Maybe, and I really hate to say this, but I am thinking about get the permeant tracheotomy. I cant live like this unable to move anywhere and feeling like im going to pass out whenever I do move. I really really dont want it. But it would beat being the way I am now. Oh well onwards we go I suppose, just need to try and stay positive. There are so many people who are worse off than me. Least things like my liver function and kidney function tests are all fine so the transplant centre are happy with me even if none of my other teams are. hmm.

Please

I keep trying to work on this stupid assignment for networking. Not only is it one of my worst areas of computers, but it is taking me twice as long as it should due to having to research everything as I missed the lectures with being stuck in hospital. I dont understand half the concepts and its just becoming annoying. That and the fact that right now I have the concentration of a fish. Im hoping its the steroids that are making me like this. I get to stop them completely on Sunday. So we will see how i feel then and of course if my blood pressure comes down.

Mum went shopping on her way home from work today so I sorted my own dinner. I was in the living room when she came in and I had just finished my yoghurt I was having for desert. I started telling her that we forgot to put the baby tortoise to bed last night as he had dug down in the soil and we forgot to undig him and put him in the bed.

She then proceeded to lecture me on how little I have to do and I still cant manage to do the one thing I was suppossed to do right. That I never do anything for the torts (felt like saying yeah, Ive just been showering the baby twice a day and doing his eye drops, that I have never once seen you do!) Which then lead on to the usual lecture about how lazy I am and how little I do, (all this was while she was loudly unstacking the dishwasher and slamming pots and pans around) How little I did yesterday. I would have washed up, but she had already said she wanted to stack the dishwasher. And during the day I was working on my assignment. Just grrr.

I have really low self esteem as it is, but when mum starts putting me down, what little esteem is there just vanishes. I find myself fighting to hold in my tears. I could never cry in front of her, that would be a sign of weakness, it would let her know that she has won! the last time I lost control and cried in front of her was when we were on holiday and she was being awful to me and bethany. I felt so sorry for Bethany as she had never experienced anything like it before. And I started crying and couldnt stop. It went on for a good few hours, even when i got called out to eat tea. To which she told me I should be ashamed crying in front of Bethany. Gee thanks mum.

This song kinda sums up a lot of how I feel right now.


In more positive news, I went two whole days without using my nebuliser. I had to use it this afternoon after coughing my guts up and I should probably use it again now, but dont want to wake people up. But two days is good. Something must be improving. Even if I still cant breathe. Felt breathless all day today for no real reason. Dont feel blocked up, but just moving around making me feel like im lacking oxygen. Not a nice feeling. And yes I have tried walking slower but it far to hard. I cant physically make myself walk slower.

Interview, surgeons, doctors and nurses

Such an exciting day.
Started off that I had to get up on a day which is normally a day off, but I cant complain as I am off all week for half term. Had to ring the doctors, who wanted me to come in right away to see a different doctor from the other day. Apparently the one I saw the other day only works Thursday and Fridays. I told them I couldnt as I had an interview to go to and could I make it the afternoon. They said they would ask the doctor if this was ok and get back to me. So there is me waiting to leave and having to hang around waiting for them to call. They said I could come in in the afternoon and made me an appointment.

Drove to college to pick Jay up and we went to our interview. The place is only small and the work they want me to do isn't that hard, but  involves talking to the person who built the machine in the company a lot. Its basically digitalizing a load of drawings to make a instruction manual. Not really computer work, but it will suffice for a placement. I now have to draw a up a proposal and submit it to them.

Then I had to drive to the other end of the city for my appointment with my surgeon. He seems pleased that things hadnt got any worse. I mentioned to him that my GP had been trying to get in touch with him and he went oh yeah, didnt know you where having a problem with your blood pressure. I felt like saying I did tell you several times while I was in that it was high you just said it was nothing to worry about. Anyway, he checked it and it was still high (180/120 Pulse 120). He said it is probably the steroids (prednisone.) He lowered my dose from 20mg to 10mg last week and said to stop it completely next sunday. He will then see me in two weeks and we will see how it is then.

I was absolutely shattered, the walk over to the hospital and back really takes it out of me and I had to stop halfway to get my breath back. So after dinner, even though I didnt have long till my GP appointment I went for a nap. (I love day sleep. 1 hour of day sleep for me is like 5 hours of night sleep)

So got to my GP appointment and told her what the surgeon had said. Apparently he is phoning on Thursday to speak to my regular GP. She said she still wasnt happy to just leave me with high blood pressure and keep checking it to make sure it is the medication. She then checked my blood pressure and it had come down to 150/100 which wasnt too bad. I explained I had only just woke up and such and that it was still high when I had it done in the morning. So she decided to start me on medication for the time being and I am to go back next week and see my regular GP. By that time I should be off the steroids and we can see if my blood pressure has normalized.

She also had my blood results from friday, well most of them, the thyroid ones hadnt come back yet. My white cell count is high and my cholesterol was high at 5.5. She said both of thee could have been due to stress and that they would be repeated next week.

So now I have had more medication added to my many tablets. I am now taking 5mg of the beta blocker amlodipine. Started it tonight so we shall see. While I was in the surgery, the nurse saw me and pulled me in to give me the flu jab. Great I thought, save me coming back, but then she read my file and saw I was on steroids but coming off them. She asked me to wait till next week for it, so I have booked in for the same time as my GP appointment. She also wants me to have the swine flu one. Not sure If im going to get that or not yet. I also need to have the pneumoccoal vaccine. Oh what joy, I will be a human pin cushion.

Im still feeling pretty low an shit to be honest. Having a lot of urges to Self Harm and have absolutely no motivation. Starting to feel suicidal again as well. I know the GP reduced my venlafaxine, but I wouldnt have thought that would have had an effect yet. She told me to lower it on friday. Just hope this is a little phase that will pass.

Going to try and force myself to work on one of my assignments tomorrow. I said ideally I wanted to get two of them out the way with by the end of this week so I had better get cracking on it. Just hope these meds dont make me to tired, I already feel drained.