How great would life be if we lived a little of it everday.

So its time to stop being whiney.

Why should I be unhappy about not being ill? (double negative make a positive uh im rubbish at grammar meh)

No I dont have tumor, but I do still have the symptoms, so I am not making it up. I am also recovering from a rather intense few months where I was pretty ill. They dont keep you confined to bed rest in ICU for nothing. Yes I do feel crap at the moment, but I have beaten worse this. I have come far.

Tonight is a night of reflection. Yes I have had some pretty big set backs and I accept that, but what matters is that I keep trying, you never know what is around the corner right? When I was in ICU with my transplant, my mum took photos, when I would let her. Most of the time I sulked and said your taking a photo of me while I look like this, of course I wasnt always awake so it dosnt always work like that. I have 3 of them on my computer, i must find the others and upload them at some point. The three I have are not very good as I think I had to photo them to get on here, again will get around to fixing that at some point. But the purpose of these photos, was for when I started to get better, I could see how far I had come.

These two are from the first hospital I was and so was before my transplant and tracheostomy.

Ha check out the tan, gotta say I didnt look to bad for liver failure. Tube in my mouth was to keep me breathing, one down my nose was to keep my stomach empty of things such as bile and acid. Central line in my neck to give IV medication and such, catheter in my bladder to drain out urine, lots of medications including knock out meds and pain meds.

This was was taken post transplant (which happened on 14 December), but must have been after christmas as I have my trach in. I am also guessing it was before my birthday as I still have a feed tube down my nose in this one, but my stomach could not tolerate food, so I later had a peg tube put through my abdomen into the lower part of my stomach.

                                     

You cant really see it on this, but there is a thick red line across the pillow going to the dialysis machine as my kidneys shut down, which you can see looking at my size difference from the top picture. I just ballooned up in a  matter of days. Oh and the dude in the white coat, nope thats not my doctor, thats Jimmy Savile, not that I even knew who he was, or where I was for that matter. I also have a blood pressure cuff on instead of the usual measurement in ICU with an arterial line, as they had to take out the least important lines when I bled out and started getting clots.

So if I can get from that, to the point where I was able to partake being a full working nurse, I can improve on where I am now. Its just going to take some work and some time. But there is no rush. I will get there when I can.

I will be going on holiday in 28ish days, for almost three weeks. And when I come back? well then it will almost be time to go to London. I am going to try to use the holiday as a rest period. Nothing expected of me. I wont be doing any of my usual online work, I wont have any appointments and I will have time to sit and read, sew, play with my camera and mess around with photoshop. I can rest fully and take care of myself properly. The sun, will hopefully also do me good. Plus, being away with my parents, I will more than likely end up in a decent sleep pattern of a night.

Once, i get back? Then I think it is going to be time to get my butt into gear at getting well. I need to cut the crap out of my diet and lose some serious weight. Ideally I would love to lose about 5 stone, but even losing 1 would make a huge difference, so that will be my first goal. Im not going to go on any stupid crash diet nor am I going to join any expensive club like I did last time. Im also going to try to avoid weighing myself weekly and such as I know if i dont have a good week, I will just throw the towel in. Im just going to cut the crap out, cut down on my bread intake, increase my fruit intake and see where that goes. Im also going to try to force myself to do 40mins on the wii every night, and might thrown some running up the stairs in too.

The doctors can only fix so much, the rest I need to take responsibility for and do myself.

Photography and Photoshop

Something a bit different from my usual moaning for tonight's entry.
I website I 'work' on is having a creative competition with the theme of Orange (mainly because Self Injury Awareness day (SIAD) is approaching - 1st March) and they needed some examples to advertise it with.

This is SIAD one;

Not sure how much I like this one. Perhaps it would have looked better on a black background hmmm

hmm, it does make it stand out a little more. oh I dont know.

I also played around with an old photo that I took. I took this picture when I was away with my sister on the island of Mull in Scotland.

And after playing around with it I came up with this:

While I am here, these are a few of my favorite photographs that I have taken. owh I miss having a decent working camera =[ (although I did see a great deal on a Nikon DSLR the other day and i so so want it)

  

 

 

 

 

  

Yup, so there my favorites that I have stored online. Most my decent photographs are still stored on my old laptop whose power wire dosnt work >.< I will one day get around to grabbing all my old files off there. Oh and incase you didnt notice, I do have a kinda thing for sunsets. Used to be a thing for waterfalls (again mostly on my old comp)

Spoons and annoying hair

So I want to apologize for my last whiney woe is me post. I was having one of those nights when I wanted to feel sorry for myself and curl up under my duvet and pretend there was nothing wrong. But I am over that now (hopefully) and getting on with getting on =]

I would say its been a busy few days but I dont have a clue what I have done ha. 

Friday I was going out for tea with a friend. The nurses came and noticed I had a 'lump' on my wound. After a few phone calls apparently its over granulation and fairly normal and nothing to worry about (and by the looks of things has vanished today so oh well)

Anyway, my hair was getting too long so I decided to cut my fringe and while i was there cut some nice random bits out from the top, back and sides to hehe. Instead of my usuall spike I went for a kinda ruffed up bed head type look. I liked it and it was a bit different. 

So yeah after tea we came back to mine and watched some tv and a film (New moon again hehe, yes we are obssesed) and then my friend found out that I knew how to use photoshop so had me edit a picture to put her in it lol. I could have done better but this was like 3am and she was happy with it.

So Saturday, I was utterly exhausted. To the point that I couldnt hardly stay awake. Makes me believe a lot more in the spoon theory (ok so it appears that the website hosting the spoon theory is being updated, however it can also be viewed here) So getting ready to go out and actually going out took it out of me so much I kinda had to pay it back the next day. So as much as I hate it I used my wheelchair around the shops on Saturday and then slept all saturday afternoon.

And today, I went out for a drive in my dads new car. and played some wii. exciting huh. Oh and I was still annoyed at my hair so decided to try a differnt style again. (It looks much better in person than in the pic)

Which was kind of inspired from Alice Cullen ;)

Though of course she is much prettier. And man do I need to lose weight. My face has gone so round and podgy. urgh one day maybe lol. Anyway yeah, hair, its a little more feminie and looks kinda nice I think so I might try keeping this style for a little while and see. Though it looks good now all sticking out I dont want to go sleep on it as it will flatten it hehe.

Yep so that my exciting weekend.