So on the positive, I am feeling a little better today. I awoke about 10:30 (which is early for me) and I have not napped through the day. I dont know where half the day has gone if I am honest. Did some washing ready for my hols, but had hoped to have my bag packed by now (oh well) instead I have a huge big pile on my bed of things I want to take. (But I might rant some more about that tomorrow. lucky readers huh)
Im still chocking off and on, but generally Im coughing more muck up which has got to be a good start and my temp has stayed stable all day.
I did have a coughing fit before (I have had a fair few today, but this one sticks in my mind.) My dad was napping in the chair in the corner. I started coughing and spluttering and mum knocks me on the arm, gives me a glare to kill, and tells me to shut up as dad is sleeping. Well excuse me for breathing! As horrible as it sounds I hope one day she ends up needing a trachy for some reasons just so she can see what it is like. Its not like normal coughing, you cant shut your mouth and make it quiet, you cant do little coughs as it will just block up the tube and you cant hold it in as it restricts your intake.
I do hate having a trach, but I have had to adjust to it. However, I think mum hasnt yet. Which is kind of annoying. oh unless, we are out and someone mentions something and then she is all 'oww poor her blah blah' as she like the attention, which annoys the hell out of me, as I dont tell people things (I still have the whole I want to be treated normal thing going on) *sigh*
Anyway, this evening, I went with a friend to see Dear John. It was sad in places, predictable in others. The bit that got me the most, wasnt even a sad bit. The song Paperweights by Joshua Radient was playing in the background a couple of times and all I could see was Eva's smiling face from the video she made with the same song on. Its nice to be able to think back and reflect on her being happy, kinda gives you hope you know. I do miss her, but she will always live on through the people who remember her and those whose lives she touched.
Oh and i had another cough/chocking fit, while I was paying in the cinemas, which wasnt fun. I was using my disabled card, so I kinda had to be present as they need to check I match the pic and such. So I just kinda had to turn my back on everyone and face the corner, while making some odd noises.
I am nervous as hell for tomorrow. The nurses are coming out to the house to change my trach tube. This will be the first time it has been changed outside of hospital. Im nervous incase there are any problems with it going wrong and such. But I should trust the nurses, that it is going to be fine. (I hope)
On that note, I should get some sleep as I have a lot to do tomorrow.
(Oh and someone commented on a lot of my entries today, but I cant seem to click into their profile, so sorry if it seems like I am being rude or anything, I dont mean to)
Showing posts with label mum.. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mum.. Show all posts
Monday, May 10, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
Double standards
Advanced warning: This is a pissed of uber annoyed post and will probably contain a fair bit of swearing. Oh what fun.
I am fucking fed up of your bloody double standards mrs oh so fucking perfect!
I was sick, from Thursday through to Wednesday. However, I did not moan, I got on with things. You had a right nark on with me on Sunday because it was mothers day and meant to be your day and yet I was being lazy. (It didnt matter to you that I felt absolutely rotten and it hurt to move or do anything) So I did what I could. I went to the cemetery even though all I wanted to do was curl up. Then when I sat down to recover for like 20mins you start kicking my possesions around 'because I shouldnt dare have anything of mine downstairs!' I was basically told to suck it up and get on with things when I was unwell.
But then you pick up the same virus from me, as does my niece. My niece, like me gets on with it and dosnt make a fuss. But you get, and its the end of the fucking world! You had to go to bed very early, then bring in a clear basin that you puked in to show me how sick you was. (Yes at the time I was still throwing up myself but I didnt bother taking the time to show you... mhmm why did i do this? maybe because im not a sick twat!)
So then you lie on the couch all day and cant possibly move, not even to get your own drink (Bear in mind if the illness progresses the same, this is the day I was being told off for not doing enough) Then in the evening you were offered food but said you would get something later. Then you go to bed in a sulk because dad didnt offer to make you something to eat later on!
All day you had go at me, that I didnt have to stress so much about getting dads tea done and stuff because he is perfectly capable of doing it himself. Then the next day when I didnt do much, you told me off because dad has been working all the hours and shouldnt have to come home and do anything in the house! Make up your bloody mind!
You tell me I am lazy and shouldnt sleep so much. And then when the doctor asks, you tell her that I need my sleep because my nights are disturbed. And oh joy, the doctor told you today that if oyu didnt begin to feel better by saturday to not go back to work. Gee thanks Dr. You know my mum, you know she will milk this for all its worth. So now it looks like I am going to have to put up with her all next week to as i bet she stays off.
Mum said something before in the car. And I mentioned that we had the same thing so it will probably run the same course and if anything hers should clear quicker than mine as she is healthier than and with a proper immune system. Her reply: But I have been much sicker than you. I just looked at her. And she started explaining about throwing up and such. I just said... oh right, I didnt have any of then? I must have dreamt it. Just because I dont bloody go on about it permanently dosnt mean I dont have.
Its like the other day when a doctor was going on about how high at risk I am from cancer due to my medications. We come out and mum goes, yeah your probably about the same risk as me now, because I got sunburn as kid!! FFS stop comparing, its not a bloody competition to see who is the fucking sickest. Because to be honest with you, you can be the sickest! You can take all my pills and go through all the surgeries and procedures and the trouble doing things and everything that goes with it!
Argh. Majorly pissed with her!
Oh and then she sees that I have just taken my bedding straight out the tumble dryer and am folding it and she starts having a go at me because its creased and its never creased when she does it. For one its bedding, I dont really care if its creased! And for 2, what the fuck am I suppossed to do? Iron it before I put it in the dryer then fold it up all nice and ask the dryer nicely not to toss it around to much. Fucking get over it loserhead!
Im on a slippery slope right now. I gave up my 2 months free. I dont want to be free anymore. I miss the control and all the other feelings of release that come with it. Its funny, I was looking at pics earlier from a time when I was a mess and causing a pretty bad mess of myself. You can see my hand in one of them. With perfectly manicured nails all painted and shinny with the french tip. Good how you can be totally falling apart, yet on the outside, everything looks rosey. Time for a relapse I think. I still have it in me, I doubted it at one point but I know its still there.
I am fucking fed up of your bloody double standards mrs oh so fucking perfect!
I was sick, from Thursday through to Wednesday. However, I did not moan, I got on with things. You had a right nark on with me on Sunday because it was mothers day and meant to be your day and yet I was being lazy. (It didnt matter to you that I felt absolutely rotten and it hurt to move or do anything) So I did what I could. I went to the cemetery even though all I wanted to do was curl up. Then when I sat down to recover for like 20mins you start kicking my possesions around 'because I shouldnt dare have anything of mine downstairs!' I was basically told to suck it up and get on with things when I was unwell.
But then you pick up the same virus from me, as does my niece. My niece, like me gets on with it and dosnt make a fuss. But you get, and its the end of the fucking world! You had to go to bed very early, then bring in a clear basin that you puked in to show me how sick you was. (Yes at the time I was still throwing up myself but I didnt bother taking the time to show you... mhmm why did i do this? maybe because im not a sick twat!)
So then you lie on the couch all day and cant possibly move, not even to get your own drink (Bear in mind if the illness progresses the same, this is the day I was being told off for not doing enough) Then in the evening you were offered food but said you would get something later. Then you go to bed in a sulk because dad didnt offer to make you something to eat later on!
All day you had go at me, that I didnt have to stress so much about getting dads tea done and stuff because he is perfectly capable of doing it himself. Then the next day when I didnt do much, you told me off because dad has been working all the hours and shouldnt have to come home and do anything in the house! Make up your bloody mind!
You tell me I am lazy and shouldnt sleep so much. And then when the doctor asks, you tell her that I need my sleep because my nights are disturbed. And oh joy, the doctor told you today that if oyu didnt begin to feel better by saturday to not go back to work. Gee thanks Dr. You know my mum, you know she will milk this for all its worth. So now it looks like I am going to have to put up with her all next week to as i bet she stays off.
Mum said something before in the car. And I mentioned that we had the same thing so it will probably run the same course and if anything hers should clear quicker than mine as she is healthier than and with a proper immune system. Her reply: But I have been much sicker than you. I just looked at her. And she started explaining about throwing up and such. I just said... oh right, I didnt have any of then? I must have dreamt it. Just because I dont bloody go on about it permanently dosnt mean I dont have.
Its like the other day when a doctor was going on about how high at risk I am from cancer due to my medications. We come out and mum goes, yeah your probably about the same risk as me now, because I got sunburn as kid!! FFS stop comparing, its not a bloody competition to see who is the fucking sickest. Because to be honest with you, you can be the sickest! You can take all my pills and go through all the surgeries and procedures and the trouble doing things and everything that goes with it!
Argh. Majorly pissed with her!
Oh and then she sees that I have just taken my bedding straight out the tumble dryer and am folding it and she starts having a go at me because its creased and its never creased when she does it. For one its bedding, I dont really care if its creased! And for 2, what the fuck am I suppossed to do? Iron it before I put it in the dryer then fold it up all nice and ask the dryer nicely not to toss it around to much. Fucking get over it loserhead!
Im on a slippery slope right now. I gave up my 2 months free. I dont want to be free anymore. I miss the control and all the other feelings of release that come with it. Its funny, I was looking at pics earlier from a time when I was a mess and causing a pretty bad mess of myself. You can see my hand in one of them. With perfectly manicured nails all painted and shinny with the french tip. Good how you can be totally falling apart, yet on the outside, everything looks rosey. Time for a relapse I think. I still have it in me, I doubted it at one point but I know its still there.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)