So continuing on from last night. I will eventually finish this entry, though maybe not tonight either.
I have mentioned about spending some time in London to work with a team of researchers. Well, inbetween that, I was able to stay at a friends house. Whats more she even let my niece stay too. Its strange seeing them talk together now. Last they met, my niece was merely a child, but now she is the whole person of her own. I am so increadably proud of her.
We had aimed to go visit the Harrods Christmas Parade, but the parade was mega early and without huge costs in energy, there was no way we could do it really. So we slept in a little later and still had a fun day.
The friday, we visited Westfield and I took her past where they do the filming for BBC Sherlock (Its our little obsession together. We often through quotes at each other from it.) As it got darker, we met with my friend and went to watch a firework display. I think it has been a while since my niece has been taken to a display, but she was mesmerised by it. By this point I was getting rather very tired, so I put my arms around her wiaste and my head on her shoulder. She thought I was simply cuddeling her and so we stayed like that for a long time, I do hope that she is able to keep the memory of it being a cuddle, rather than it being her supporting me and keeping me upright.
Saturday, as I mentioned we missed the parade, but we had to go for a harrods visit anyway. I am a big kid and so we spent a long time sitting playing with the toys. We spent the evening in China town, looking at totoro and other random things. Followed by a night collapsed in front of the tv eating cinnabon. It was very yummy.
Sunday, she had to get the train back for school, but that left time to visit Camden for some further retail therapy. We even found a a stall selling deeo fried oreos. Not had then in over year, but they were si good. I also bought some new boots (Dr Martens and cant wait to wear them properly) She was back on the train home long before I wish she had to go, but it was an increadbile weekend and I hope to do it again one day,
So that bring me back to Monday. I had the reaserch meeting and then I was admitted to my usual ward. After spending so much time on this ward, everyone knows me and I end up stuck having conversations with every on the ward.
Im skipping over the details so not to bored people.
Tuesday morning was theatre morning. As usual, shower and dressed into a sexy gown. Saw my surgeon just before going under. We spoke about future options. He wants to try putting in a T tube again. I sad we have been there and it didnt help.
He still thinks that it is worth trying and so we are going to review in January. So this time, they decided that the tube is pushing up on the new area and causing it to damage. Really? I mean im ssure I have been telling you that for the last 3 monthsl
So anyway, banter aside with the theatre staff I awoke and was actually feeling warm, which was amazing as I am usually freezing. But then the pain kicked in and I almost shot out the bed. I was in agony and the heart montores were going crazy because of it. After lots of disscussion, they started uping my pain meds, all the while talking to me like I was making things up.
Now I am going to stop here again, as I keep fallling asleep mid sentence. but yeah, nothing great and still pretty wired.
Showing posts with label niece. Show all posts
Showing posts with label niece. Show all posts
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Saturday, October 26, 2013
The balance
After such a dour few posts, I thought it was time that I changed course. Enough pouty pitty me, I hate pitty and I think that I may have lost myself lately within a realm of bad thoughts.
So enough of that.
This week is half term from school and so my niece has been down the last few days. We have been chilling out mostly (I am full of some sort of virus which has left me aching from too much coughing and an inability to move far away from my machinery.) Lots of cuddling up in bed with various films and tv shows on.
I also carved my first pumpkin of year. I love carving them and have done a couple each year for the last 4 years. My first this year, on request of my niece, is a minion.
I have been getting back into sketching a little, whilst I am sitting still. This is the last few days musings. I am thinking of putting it to canvas, but not sure who would appreciate it. I love the song rainbow connection (and generally anything muppet related.)
I took my niece home a little earlier. We were both still wrapped up in our onesies and as I was taking the car, we stayed in them. We sure did have a good giggle about driving down the road, her as tigger and I as eyeore, dancing away in the car to the music. Its moments like this that I will always treasure. I was just hoping that I didnt get pulled over for any reason. Wouldnt really want to get out of the car looking like that.
Its been a good few days. I feel so blessed to have such good family around me. I always appreciate them, but when I feel run down, I appreciate them even more. My mum has been making me good food, if she wasnt here, I know that I wouldnt have had the energy so just not eaten. My niece has been helping me set medical equipment and such up and my dad, letting me fall asleep leaning on his shoulder every time I sit down. Not to mention the jokes about being a dead donkey, whilst mum laughs at him.
So enough of that.
This week is half term from school and so my niece has been down the last few days. We have been chilling out mostly (I am full of some sort of virus which has left me aching from too much coughing and an inability to move far away from my machinery.) Lots of cuddling up in bed with various films and tv shows on.
I also carved my first pumpkin of year. I love carving them and have done a couple each year for the last 4 years. My first this year, on request of my niece, is a minion.
I have been getting back into sketching a little, whilst I am sitting still. This is the last few days musings. I am thinking of putting it to canvas, but not sure who would appreciate it. I love the song rainbow connection (and generally anything muppet related.)
I took my niece home a little earlier. We were both still wrapped up in our onesies and as I was taking the car, we stayed in them. We sure did have a good giggle about driving down the road, her as tigger and I as eyeore, dancing away in the car to the music. Its moments like this that I will always treasure. I was just hoping that I didnt get pulled over for any reason. Wouldnt really want to get out of the car looking like that.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Weekend up, surgery time.
I had an amazing weekend.
Though, it was a very exhausting weekend.
My Dad had a long weekend off from work and so I talked him into taking Mum away for it. they deserved the break away from the stress of hospitals and clinics and tests. Due to my issues with phones and such, (Cant hear them, they cant hear me) I dont know how well the weekend went, but from what I gather through text messages, they seem to have had fun.
This meant that I had the house to myself over the weekend, so I had my niece down to help out and for company. We always have a good time when we are together and despite having lots to get done, the weekend was no exception. Thursday involved chest clinic, which there was little he could do as I had only just been discharged, but he is checking to see what bugs I am growing. Then Friday was Liver Transplant clinic in Leeds. There was a fair bit of traffic on the motorway, and clinic was crazy busy. But everything went well and my blood results were all clear. So that was good news.
Monday morning was back off to London and Tuesday was back to theatre.
Waking up from theatre was horrible. I am used to it now, espcially from laser, but this was differnt. My throat and mouth tasted as if I had been smoking. I was in agony and shaking like a leaf. They put the warming blankets on me to help with the shaking and put some pain killers through. But the pain was still there and I felt much more rough than I have done in the past. They also managed to catch my lip with the laser, so I have a mark there now, but that will fade in time.
Getting the results this morning, there was a lot of granulation tissue blocking my airway above the tube. More tissue than they were expecting, but the actual trachea was still holding itself up. This is both good news and bad news. It means my trachea is holding well despite me having coughed the cartilage out. However, I am having the same problem I have had everytime, in that the scar tissue buildsup and blocks my airway. And so the doctors think there is still a chance of things working, but that they want to stay on top of the scar tissue. Which means that I am back in for the same thing in 2 weeks. And in the mean time, I have to keep the trach in. As of today, less than 24 hours after surgery, it really dosnt feel all that differnt.
As for still being very breathless even with the trach in, they think that is because of how positional the tube is as my trachea is now a very odd shape. So overall, I cant breathe with the trach and I cant breathe without it. We just got to keep stumbling on with the tube as it is, taking things easy. And hope that in the mean time, the granulation (scar tissue) slows down or stops building up all together.
There was some other news though, of a potential option, but it is not one that I am willing to even think about never mind get my hopes up about at the moment. Apprently, tracheal replacement surgery has been given the go ahead in the UK. I have only been hoping for that for the last 4+ years. But there was a guy in the theatre yesterday who is looking for potential candidates. So he has taken away my details to review, though I highly doubt I would be offered it.
That aside, I did say to my surgeon, let me guess it is about 2 years off? And he said yeah, but more like 18months. I just laughed and told him that was what I had been told for the last 4 years and he agreed but was adamant that things had moved on. After all the last lot of complications, I doubt I would be picked for it anyway, and given the whole 2 years off thing, I refuse to even give it more than a few minutes thought really.
And now its nap time as the anesthtic seems to take longer and longer to get out of my system everytime I have it.
Though, it was a very exhausting weekend.
My Dad had a long weekend off from work and so I talked him into taking Mum away for it. they deserved the break away from the stress of hospitals and clinics and tests. Due to my issues with phones and such, (Cant hear them, they cant hear me) I dont know how well the weekend went, but from what I gather through text messages, they seem to have had fun.
This meant that I had the house to myself over the weekend, so I had my niece down to help out and for company. We always have a good time when we are together and despite having lots to get done, the weekend was no exception. Thursday involved chest clinic, which there was little he could do as I had only just been discharged, but he is checking to see what bugs I am growing. Then Friday was Liver Transplant clinic in Leeds. There was a fair bit of traffic on the motorway, and clinic was crazy busy. But everything went well and my blood results were all clear. So that was good news.
Monday morning was back off to London and Tuesday was back to theatre.
Waking up from theatre was horrible. I am used to it now, espcially from laser, but this was differnt. My throat and mouth tasted as if I had been smoking. I was in agony and shaking like a leaf. They put the warming blankets on me to help with the shaking and put some pain killers through. But the pain was still there and I felt much more rough than I have done in the past. They also managed to catch my lip with the laser, so I have a mark there now, but that will fade in time.
Getting the results this morning, there was a lot of granulation tissue blocking my airway above the tube. More tissue than they were expecting, but the actual trachea was still holding itself up. This is both good news and bad news. It means my trachea is holding well despite me having coughed the cartilage out. However, I am having the same problem I have had everytime, in that the scar tissue buildsup and blocks my airway. And so the doctors think there is still a chance of things working, but that they want to stay on top of the scar tissue. Which means that I am back in for the same thing in 2 weeks. And in the mean time, I have to keep the trach in. As of today, less than 24 hours after surgery, it really dosnt feel all that differnt.
As for still being very breathless even with the trach in, they think that is because of how positional the tube is as my trachea is now a very odd shape. So overall, I cant breathe with the trach and I cant breathe without it. We just got to keep stumbling on with the tube as it is, taking things easy. And hope that in the mean time, the granulation (scar tissue) slows down or stops building up all together.
There was some other news though, of a potential option, but it is not one that I am willing to even think about never mind get my hopes up about at the moment. Apprently, tracheal replacement surgery has been given the go ahead in the UK. I have only been hoping for that for the last 4+ years. But there was a guy in the theatre yesterday who is looking for potential candidates. So he has taken away my details to review, though I highly doubt I would be offered it.
That aside, I did say to my surgeon, let me guess it is about 2 years off? And he said yeah, but more like 18months. I just laughed and told him that was what I had been told for the last 4 years and he agreed but was adamant that things had moved on. After all the last lot of complications, I doubt I would be picked for it anyway, and given the whole 2 years off thing, I refuse to even give it more than a few minutes thought really.
And now its nap time as the anesthtic seems to take longer and longer to get out of my system everytime I have it.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
catchup
I have been absolutely rubbish at keeping this up to date at the moment. I usually right just before I go to bed, I find it helps me sleep by clearing my head. But recently, by the time I get to bed, I am too wiped out to write anything coherent. Not that I am usually coherent but yeh.
I am back home (yay) but given that I have just gotten out of hospital, things are not perhaps as good as they could be.
The doctors eventually got my tube back in. I went up to theatre to have it done, but anesthisea thought I was to high risk for what needed to be done if i were asleep. So instead, I spent an hour in theatre, surrounded by equipment, whilst a couple of doctors literally forced tubes into my throat to widen my airway. They promised that if it got to much, they would knock me out, but they would prefer to get it in without doing that.
It took a while and it was not the most pleasant of experience, but the tube was in and I was grateful to not have to get over the effects of anesthtic again.
Breathing wise, I would say I am back on level with the place I was just before my last admission. Breathing is restricted and the tube can only be left in certain places else i cant breathe at all. However, one new additional issue, is a lot of pain. Any movement in my throat causes pain. so coughing is pretty awful as if heavy breathing. This means the more active i am, the more painful things are. This is something I need to sort with a doc soon as controlling pain is not an easy task. My usual favourites, dihydracodiene hardly do anything now and my back up of oramorph does even less. Another bridge to cross, but this should hopefully be an easy one, as long as I get a nice doctor.
On a lighter note, my niece has been here since I got home on Thursday which has been nice. She is able to do my running round like fetching me things for me and waking me with morning cuddles. Yesterday, we went to see the Lorax in the cinema. I had a small obsession with anything Dr Seuss. I used to love his books and characters and can recite a lot of them off the top of my head. Actually, at this stage, even my dad knows one fish two fish off the top of his head. so I was really looking forward to the Lorax.
And I was not disappointed. I thought I would be as the Lorax has always been my absolute favourite book. But it was wonderful. Enough humour and enough bulk to the story without straying too far from the original. the characters where lovable and the animation was flawless. Even the 3d was really effective. Perhaps its because i usually wear glasses, but I often find that 3d films blur slightly or I have to sit in the same position without moving. But for the lorax, I put my contact lenses in and it was so clear and i could move anywhere.
And that is where I am up to. My niece has gone home now and I am settling back in to normality.
I am back home (yay) but given that I have just gotten out of hospital, things are not perhaps as good as they could be.
The doctors eventually got my tube back in. I went up to theatre to have it done, but anesthisea thought I was to high risk for what needed to be done if i were asleep. So instead, I spent an hour in theatre, surrounded by equipment, whilst a couple of doctors literally forced tubes into my throat to widen my airway. They promised that if it got to much, they would knock me out, but they would prefer to get it in without doing that.
It took a while and it was not the most pleasant of experience, but the tube was in and I was grateful to not have to get over the effects of anesthtic again.
Breathing wise, I would say I am back on level with the place I was just before my last admission. Breathing is restricted and the tube can only be left in certain places else i cant breathe at all. However, one new additional issue, is a lot of pain. Any movement in my throat causes pain. so coughing is pretty awful as if heavy breathing. This means the more active i am, the more painful things are. This is something I need to sort with a doc soon as controlling pain is not an easy task. My usual favourites, dihydracodiene hardly do anything now and my back up of oramorph does even less. Another bridge to cross, but this should hopefully be an easy one, as long as I get a nice doctor.
On a lighter note, my niece has been here since I got home on Thursday which has been nice. She is able to do my running round like fetching me things for me and waking me with morning cuddles. Yesterday, we went to see the Lorax in the cinema. I had a small obsession with anything Dr Seuss. I used to love his books and characters and can recite a lot of them off the top of my head. Actually, at this stage, even my dad knows one fish two fish off the top of his head. so I was really looking forward to the Lorax.
And that is where I am up to. My niece has gone home now and I am settling back in to normality.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Time is a wonderful enemy
I should probably be sleeping now, but I still feel the need to write.
I dont know where to start or what I want to say, so bear with me, this will be long and probably not much sense.
On tuesday I got out of hospital. I was meant to spend the entire time on IVs, but by Sunday, my veins had gone again and after many failed attempts to reinsert them, they gave up and switched me to orals. My infection markers where coming down yet I still felt rough. I was discharged Tuesday, still on Orals, but as I put it to them, everything they were doing in the hospital, I can do at home, so I saw no point in staying in. Its now Saturday and I feel the same as I did the day I went in. My guess, is my infection is worse now than it was then and my trachea keeps blocking up. But truth be told there is little they can do. So Tuesday afternoon I made the 3 hour journey home.
Thursday morning, I then made the 3 hour journey back to London. I had been asked to attend a research meeting. The meeting was with the professor who is fronting the research and surgery into the tracheal transplant. He knows about the website I have been building for airway information and if very encouraging for it. He wants as much input as he can from myself and a fellow patient, with aims of getting other patients invovled.
Whilst in London, I spent some time with a friend and we saw, the show, the lion, the witch and the wardrobe, which was truly a wonderful production and a good night overall.
The meeting was fascinating. He is a highly educated professor and his ideas and research are amazing. The possibilities that it paves the way for in the future are endless. To think of a world, where people could go through transplant without the fear of rejection, without medication and all the problems they cause. The amount of lives it could save is endless. And to think that in 20 years time, people with airway problems like mine, would come in for one op and be fixed with no more problems.
The meeting was also very gratfying. That these professionals want my view on things, that they like the work I have done and value my opinion. I like that I have given them things to think about and ideas that they may not have had before. Again the future possibilities. In future times, it could be a job that combined many of my skills in one go. Nursing, medicine, computers, design. The scope for progress is huge and the thought that lil old me could be part of such a huge amazing thing, is truly mind blowing.
But there is always a flip side to these things. I now know a lot more about the research, where it is up to and what it entails. And in short, its a long way off. They are applying for grants now, from the time they get the grant, to the time patients will begin benefiting from treatment, is a minimum of 18 months, but as research goes, probably a lot longer.
In all respects, 2 years isnt that long, it will probably fly by. But when I think about the last 2 years, they have been very long, very hard years and they have taken a huge toll on myself, my family and my friends. And then I think of the last month. The last month has been harder still. They cant keep my body free of infection. The only way I can think to give a general idea, is for people to think back to the last time they were sick, a time when they felt sick enough to go to a doctor and be put on medication to cure it. Well, that is how I feel, but its not a temporary thing, its living with the thought that, things are going to carry on like this for the forseable future.
Infection drains you, it puts your body into fight mode. When you awake in the morning the first thing you think about is pain, when you go to sleep, its the last thing on your mind, be it lungs, joints or neck. Through the day, you feel permantly tired. I could and have last week, slept for 20 hours a day, with no problem. Even showering becomes a dreaded task as it just takes too much energy. And the other problem with infection, is that it always gets worse. The meds become less effective, the symptoms get harder, it just takes so much out of you.
Where is this going. I honestly, dont think that I can make 2 years like this. I feel like I have run a marathon and not the energy to go on. Truthfully I dont want to die. I want to be independant, I want to see my niece finish school and go to prom, to college, to uni. And every time I look at her this weekend, I just want to break down, the thought of not seeing her reach those stages is hard. I love her so much it hurts sometimes.
I had contact with my surgeon today, on a Saturday and everything, he really does go above and beyond his duty, I am so thankful for him, he is one of the good guys. I have an appointment with him at the end of the month and, in his words, we are going to discuss all the possbilities for keeping things comfortable. I guess then, we shall decide how hard to fight from now on in.
And between now and then, I am going to enjoy all the hugs I can get and have all the fun I can mange. And I will savor every moment of it, because every moment is prescious and everyone is special.
I dont know where to start or what I want to say, so bear with me, this will be long and probably not much sense.
On tuesday I got out of hospital. I was meant to spend the entire time on IVs, but by Sunday, my veins had gone again and after many failed attempts to reinsert them, they gave up and switched me to orals. My infection markers where coming down yet I still felt rough. I was discharged Tuesday, still on Orals, but as I put it to them, everything they were doing in the hospital, I can do at home, so I saw no point in staying in. Its now Saturday and I feel the same as I did the day I went in. My guess, is my infection is worse now than it was then and my trachea keeps blocking up. But truth be told there is little they can do. So Tuesday afternoon I made the 3 hour journey home.
Thursday morning, I then made the 3 hour journey back to London. I had been asked to attend a research meeting. The meeting was with the professor who is fronting the research and surgery into the tracheal transplant. He knows about the website I have been building for airway information and if very encouraging for it. He wants as much input as he can from myself and a fellow patient, with aims of getting other patients invovled.
Whilst in London, I spent some time with a friend and we saw, the show, the lion, the witch and the wardrobe, which was truly a wonderful production and a good night overall.
The meeting was fascinating. He is a highly educated professor and his ideas and research are amazing. The possibilities that it paves the way for in the future are endless. To think of a world, where people could go through transplant without the fear of rejection, without medication and all the problems they cause. The amount of lives it could save is endless. And to think that in 20 years time, people with airway problems like mine, would come in for one op and be fixed with no more problems.
The meeting was also very gratfying. That these professionals want my view on things, that they like the work I have done and value my opinion. I like that I have given them things to think about and ideas that they may not have had before. Again the future possibilities. In future times, it could be a job that combined many of my skills in one go. Nursing, medicine, computers, design. The scope for progress is huge and the thought that lil old me could be part of such a huge amazing thing, is truly mind blowing.
But there is always a flip side to these things. I now know a lot more about the research, where it is up to and what it entails. And in short, its a long way off. They are applying for grants now, from the time they get the grant, to the time patients will begin benefiting from treatment, is a minimum of 18 months, but as research goes, probably a lot longer.
In all respects, 2 years isnt that long, it will probably fly by. But when I think about the last 2 years, they have been very long, very hard years and they have taken a huge toll on myself, my family and my friends. And then I think of the last month. The last month has been harder still. They cant keep my body free of infection. The only way I can think to give a general idea, is for people to think back to the last time they were sick, a time when they felt sick enough to go to a doctor and be put on medication to cure it. Well, that is how I feel, but its not a temporary thing, its living with the thought that, things are going to carry on like this for the forseable future.
Infection drains you, it puts your body into fight mode. When you awake in the morning the first thing you think about is pain, when you go to sleep, its the last thing on your mind, be it lungs, joints or neck. Through the day, you feel permantly tired. I could and have last week, slept for 20 hours a day, with no problem. Even showering becomes a dreaded task as it just takes too much energy. And the other problem with infection, is that it always gets worse. The meds become less effective, the symptoms get harder, it just takes so much out of you.
Where is this going. I honestly, dont think that I can make 2 years like this. I feel like I have run a marathon and not the energy to go on. Truthfully I dont want to die. I want to be independant, I want to see my niece finish school and go to prom, to college, to uni. And every time I look at her this weekend, I just want to break down, the thought of not seeing her reach those stages is hard. I love her so much it hurts sometimes.
I had contact with my surgeon today, on a Saturday and everything, he really does go above and beyond his duty, I am so thankful for him, he is one of the good guys. I have an appointment with him at the end of the month and, in his words, we are going to discuss all the possbilities for keeping things comfortable. I guess then, we shall decide how hard to fight from now on in.
And between now and then, I am going to enjoy all the hugs I can get and have all the fun I can mange. And I will savor every moment of it, because every moment is prescious and everyone is special.
Tuesday, April 03, 2012
Right direction
Things feel like they maybe going in the right direction at last.
Tonight, I feel happy, truly happy.
It has been so long since I have felt this way.
My niece is here and we have had so much fun, doing nothing really.
She has a cast on and i have been painting it.
Then we have been lazing around watching tv and films.
I have friend again.
More than one.
Ones who have health issues like me, ones who dont, ones who I can ask anything to, male ones and females ones. Its nice. I feel like I have stepped out of my life and into someone elses.
I am almost afraid to blink incase things change.
Im looking at getting my own place. Not rushing into it, but looking sensibly.
And tonight, I had a kinda date.
To be truthful, I dont think i have ever had a date before.
It was nice.
He was a gentleman. Held doors open, wouldnt let me pay for anything, all that type of thing.
Its fair to say, that life seems to be going pretty well right now.
Now, if we could just get my throat sorted, life would be bliss.
And I am going to leave that there, as I am happy and I dont want to make make this post sound like a moan about health.
Everything happens for a reason, and I like where I am right now, so if I had to go through what I did to get here, then so be it.
Tonight, I feel happy, truly happy.
It has been so long since I have felt this way.
My niece is here and we have had so much fun, doing nothing really.
She has a cast on and i have been painting it.
Then we have been lazing around watching tv and films.
I have friend again.
More than one.
Ones who have health issues like me, ones who dont, ones who I can ask anything to, male ones and females ones. Its nice. I feel like I have stepped out of my life and into someone elses.
I am almost afraid to blink incase things change.
Im looking at getting my own place. Not rushing into it, but looking sensibly.
And tonight, I had a kinda date.
To be truthful, I dont think i have ever had a date before.
It was nice.
He was a gentleman. Held doors open, wouldnt let me pay for anything, all that type of thing.
Its fair to say, that life seems to be going pretty well right now.
Now, if we could just get my throat sorted, life would be bliss.
And I am going to leave that there, as I am happy and I dont want to make make this post sound like a moan about health.
Everything happens for a reason, and I like where I am right now, so if I had to go through what I did to get here, then so be it.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Love and Green light
YAY.
So, after much doubt, I have been given the go ahead for surgery today!!
Yesterday was spent working the hardest I think I have ever worked on my body. It involved lots of fluids and rest. I slept for huge chunks of times, 4 hours at a time. Awakening for maybe two hours in-between. During sleep, I had my humidifier on and up as high as I could stand. When I was awake, I ran nebs continually, alternating between hypertonic and regular saline. I used the hypertonic more than I would normal like, as my throat is still a little raw for it. Physio exercises, and lots of coughing was involved. I was exhausted, but still got up through the night to run nebs.
And it paid off. Im not infection free, not by a long way, but my temp has gone back to where it should be, my pulse, although is still a little high, has come down again. My chest is clear and so I have been given the OK for theatre.
So, im washed and gowned and all ready.
Now the nerves settle in. Will it work? I know there is a risk that I will wake with another trach tube in. I hope I dont, but I have to be prepared for it. There is a chance that the tube will permeant, there is a chance I will get worse before better and there is a huge chance, that things will be just the same as they have for the last year.
But, the hope is there. The hope for better days, for things to work. My doctors are one step ahead all the time. Always new ideas there. They want me to live and I have a lot to fight for right now.
If it does not work, it will mean more surgeries, possibly much more scarier than the past ones, but I have not reached that bridge just yet. Right now, we hope this goes well. I have complete trust in my team.
And I have something to look forward to. My two nieces are coming to visit me. Yup, one is 18 and one is 11 and they are getting the train down for a few days to come see me. Im excited. In fact I am overwhelmed that they would travel so far at such expense just to visit. I am just speechless on the whole thing.
They say home is where you familiy is, so whilst I am stuck so far away from my physical home, having family here brings home to here. My parents did a surprise visit over the weekend too and my friend is still visting all the time.
Being ill frequently is a horrible thing, but, there are good sides. My family are not big on the act of showing love, but the little things when I am sick, prove to me just how much Love there is. There are a lot of people who would not be ok if I were not here and so I fight for them and I fight for the hope of better days.
So, after much doubt, I have been given the go ahead for surgery today!!
Yesterday was spent working the hardest I think I have ever worked on my body. It involved lots of fluids and rest. I slept for huge chunks of times, 4 hours at a time. Awakening for maybe two hours in-between. During sleep, I had my humidifier on and up as high as I could stand. When I was awake, I ran nebs continually, alternating between hypertonic and regular saline. I used the hypertonic more than I would normal like, as my throat is still a little raw for it. Physio exercises, and lots of coughing was involved. I was exhausted, but still got up through the night to run nebs.
And it paid off. Im not infection free, not by a long way, but my temp has gone back to where it should be, my pulse, although is still a little high, has come down again. My chest is clear and so I have been given the OK for theatre.
So, im washed and gowned and all ready.
Now the nerves settle in. Will it work? I know there is a risk that I will wake with another trach tube in. I hope I dont, but I have to be prepared for it. There is a chance that the tube will permeant, there is a chance I will get worse before better and there is a huge chance, that things will be just the same as they have for the last year.
But, the hope is there. The hope for better days, for things to work. My doctors are one step ahead all the time. Always new ideas there. They want me to live and I have a lot to fight for right now.
If it does not work, it will mean more surgeries, possibly much more scarier than the past ones, but I have not reached that bridge just yet. Right now, we hope this goes well. I have complete trust in my team.
And I have something to look forward to. My two nieces are coming to visit me. Yup, one is 18 and one is 11 and they are getting the train down for a few days to come see me. Im excited. In fact I am overwhelmed that they would travel so far at such expense just to visit. I am just speechless on the whole thing.
They say home is where you familiy is, so whilst I am stuck so far away from my physical home, having family here brings home to here. My parents did a surprise visit over the weekend too and my friend is still visting all the time.
Being ill frequently is a horrible thing, but, there are good sides. My family are not big on the act of showing love, but the little things when I am sick, prove to me just how much Love there is. There are a lot of people who would not be ok if I were not here and so I fight for them and I fight for the hope of better days.
Monday, December 13, 2010
My niece is no longer a child.
So today, was my nieces 18th. It is so strange to think of her as an adult!
I look at her sometimes and I think, she is so young and then at other times, I think of where I was upto at 18. Its hard not to compare my life with hers. by 18 I had moved out, had a transplant, numerous surgeries, lost my hearing, been through court trails gone back to being a baby and relearnt everything, from walking to eating and god knows what else. She often complains about how unfair the world is and how everything goes wrong, yet she has been to college and had friends and parties and proms. I am glad she has had things easier, but sometimes, I guess its hard to not compare things and wish she were sometimes a little more grateful for what she has.
That being said, she is a sensible young girl/woman. and perhaps once she gets through the dramas of being a teenager, things will improve. I probably would have been the same way, had I not had some of the things I did.
Anyway, I finished her present and I was very proud of it, if I do say so myself. Her main present is that I am taking her to London for a couple of days, which involves trains and hotels and transport and such. But I had to have something to give her on the day. She loves Dopey from Snow white, so I had manged to get a Disney musical ornament shipped out from New York, but it didnt come in any type of box. So I made one. This is how it turned out. (though the pictures are crap as it was kinda shinny and so the light kept reflecting off it and I didnt have time to get my big camera out.)
And with the music ornament in it. (I even got the picture from the film to match up with it)
She seemed to like it.
This is how the box started off life.
I look at her sometimes and I think, she is so young and then at other times, I think of where I was upto at 18. Its hard not to compare my life with hers. by 18 I had moved out, had a transplant, numerous surgeries, lost my hearing, been through court trails gone back to being a baby and relearnt everything, from walking to eating and god knows what else. She often complains about how unfair the world is and how everything goes wrong, yet she has been to college and had friends and parties and proms. I am glad she has had things easier, but sometimes, I guess its hard to not compare things and wish she were sometimes a little more grateful for what she has.
That being said, she is a sensible young girl/woman. and perhaps once she gets through the dramas of being a teenager, things will improve. I probably would have been the same way, had I not had some of the things I did.
Anyway, I finished her present and I was very proud of it, if I do say so myself. Her main present is that I am taking her to London for a couple of days, which involves trains and hotels and transport and such. But I had to have something to give her on the day. She loves Dopey from Snow white, so I had manged to get a Disney musical ornament shipped out from New York, but it didnt come in any type of box. So I made one. This is how it turned out. (though the pictures are crap as it was kinda shinny and so the light kept reflecting off it and I didnt have time to get my big camera out.)
And with the music ornament in it. (I even got the picture from the film to match up with it)
She seemed to like it.
This is how the box started off life.
As a christmas bottle gift box.
Cut down to size and a few windows put in place. Though let me tell you, cutting a straight line on a cylinder, is not an easy task. Oh and I discovered that I needed to peel off the original cover, as it was glossy and the glue wouldnt stick to it (Though I found that out after I had done most of the top, when the pictures slid off.)
I found a snow white children's picture book for a few pence in a charity shop. If you notice I look sad in this picture. It was a real struggle to cut this book up. First of all, I was bought up, never to deface a book. That books are precious and so on. I dont think I ever ripped pages or drew in books even as a toddler. But more so, this book appears to have been an original from when the movie was released.
It was dated on the back as 1985, so the book is actually older than me. I will admit that I looked it up on the web to make sure it wasnt a collectors item and such, and it was pretty cheap on Amazon, so with a heavy heart, I took a pair of scissors to it and cut out the pictures.
Then it was just a matter of using some school glue (PVA, oh how I love that stuff) and sticking the pictures down in a random order, but making sure to get special pictures where they could be seen. I then mixed some glue with a little water, to create a varnish and painted the whole thing. The cover of the book, made a great extra shinny cut out for the top of the box.
The only issue I had with it, was that, because of the extra layers, putting the box on the lid, became a little tight. This was a good thing for my project, but something I need to remember if I ever do it again. Anyway it looked really vintage and set the music box off a lot. As snow white is a vintage film I thought it was very fitting.
I do however, have a fair few pictures left, hmm what to do with them. I must find a use.
Oh man, I just realized, I just wrote that whole thing as if I were in school, with an introduction, evaluation and conclusion haha. See some things do stick with you from school hehe.
As for me, right now, I have this sharp stabby pain in my right lung when I breathe in, I hope that its not another infection. I have managed to drop my peak flow from about 250 to 150 in the last 3 days. I can feel it. But right now, I dont have time to be sick, or to rest. I leave for London tomorrow morning and I need to be able to go have fun. I am looking so forward to this and I will not let sickness get in the way. I have a few antibiotics left, so I may throw them in my bag just incase.
I should go sleep if I am to go to London tomorrow. Oh and perhaps I should do some packing too. oops. And sort my meds.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
all good things come to an end.
Ive barley been on the computer compared with my norm.
Ive had a friend over and its been a good but busy weekend. Need to recover now (lol) There will be more about this later.
Im just tired tonight. Its been one of those long days that you just wish would hurry up and be over with.
It was my sisters birthday so we were going to go out for a meal. We were discussing how to arrange things best and I suggested a couple of things, but nothing was decided. Then they decided that they were going to a certain resturant and I mentioned something about how many tokens they needed. With that I got my head bitten off. That all the plans need to be changed yet again as i wasnt doing what I said I would do. (Yeah, I would be doing it if you just told me what the hell it was supposed to be) Anyway, they got pissy and stormed out.
So I deduced that I was supposed to pick my niece and nephew up from school and wait at my sisters house with them. So I am sat in the car, in the car park, waiting for the youngest to finish and talking to the eldest. We had the windows open because it was hot and we were just talking. The guy in the next car kept shouting his head off at his kids and was beginning to really annoy me. Then he looks over and shouts oi, whats that you got in your neck?! (Yeah I did have my scarf on but it was lose as I was in my own car minding my own bussiness) I sort of shook my head and shrugged, thinking perhaps I had imagined it. So he shouts again. I just glanced over to him and mumbled something about it being a medical device and turned back. I felt so embarrassed about it. I know I shouldnt, and I also know that he as an adult should have had a bit more tact, but I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole right there and then.
I made a cake for my sisters birthday, it was in the shape of hello kitty.
Screw it
Ive had a friend over and its been a good but busy weekend. Need to recover now (lol) There will be more about this later.
Im just tired tonight. Its been one of those long days that you just wish would hurry up and be over with.
It was my sisters birthday so we were going to go out for a meal. We were discussing how to arrange things best and I suggested a couple of things, but nothing was decided. Then they decided that they were going to a certain resturant and I mentioned something about how many tokens they needed. With that I got my head bitten off. That all the plans need to be changed yet again as i wasnt doing what I said I would do. (Yeah, I would be doing it if you just told me what the hell it was supposed to be) Anyway, they got pissy and stormed out.
So I deduced that I was supposed to pick my niece and nephew up from school and wait at my sisters house with them. So I am sat in the car, in the car park, waiting for the youngest to finish and talking to the eldest. We had the windows open because it was hot and we were just talking. The guy in the next car kept shouting his head off at his kids and was beginning to really annoy me. Then he looks over and shouts oi, whats that you got in your neck?! (Yeah I did have my scarf on but it was lose as I was in my own car minding my own bussiness) I sort of shook my head and shrugged, thinking perhaps I had imagined it. So he shouts again. I just glanced over to him and mumbled something about it being a medical device and turned back. I felt so embarrassed about it. I know I shouldnt, and I also know that he as an adult should have had a bit more tact, but I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole right there and then.
I made a cake for my sisters birthday, it was in the shape of hello kitty.
She seemed to like it.
I was talking to her later on, once my parents had gone home. Apprently mum told my eldest niece that I might have a nark on when I got there. (I have no idea why, when it was them getting pissy) and she told my sister that I had been out all weekend and had no meals at home at all. (I mean how dare I have any kind of social life for one weekend at the age of 24? Shocking isnt it) ha heres me thinking she would be pleased I was getting out, but of course, mother dosnt do pleased. Its so annoying. I know I need to keep doing things like this to get her used to it, but its been like this since I was young. I just give up on socializing and getting out because its just not worth the effort and the after effects that I get off my mum. It used to be the same with going to my sisters. I eventually stopped going as the time away wasnt worth the hassel and abuse I got when I got home. Its stupid, im an adult, I shouldnt be in fear of my parents.
Oh and even after asking mum not to say anything to my sister about me getting in touch with my other sister, mum starts talking casully about it in front of my sister, so I assume she told her then. (gee thanks)
So as a result of dad getting angry with me, the flashbacks have been on the edges of my vision all night. The blades sitting on my bedside table shouting out to me and a box of pills on my bed. It would be so easy to just destruct at this point. But its not worth it. I have the nurse out tomorrow so any damage would be picked up pretty quick. blah. But there is always tomorrow.
Oh and I am fully expecting at least one parent to kick off on me tomorrow, probably for not getting in till 10pm tonight (shock horror!) as they were in bed when I got home. But I dont care, it just gives me more fuel for my fire at this point.
Screw it
Monday, January 04, 2010
Not so Brief history of time (Part 1)
Well the trend at the moment seems to be to write about what you hope the future holds for you, your resolutions for the new year. But frankly, sitting in my hospital room, where I have been since November, but before that in and out a lot since August, I really dont feel like looking ahead. Its not all positive and rosey right now as I know there is a lot of hard work ahead. Surgery, physio, exercise etc. So instead, I have decided to give you a brief history in time. Its been a while since I wrote about my past. I mean odd snippets yes, but nothing fully since I started with the whole depression performance. blah. Perhaps to have it down on paper will make it a little more real and maybe a little more possible to leave ti where it belongs, in the past.
I had a fairly healthy family life growing up. Lived with both of my parents, my brother (who was 3 years old than me) and until I was about 6 one of my sisters (who was about 20 years older than me.) I used to love it when my sister lived at home as I shared a room with her and so used to get out of tidying it up a lot. (Somethings never change) However, she used to work full time as did my dad and my mum worked part time.
Mum expected my sister do to all the cooking and cleaning and often pick my brother and I up from school. It would have made more sense for my mum to do these things what with my sister working full time, but my mums logic was my sister had it easy as she still lived at home. My sister got in with the wrong crowd, she had a bf who was very possessive. She worked as a chef and if her bf came to pick her up and saw her talking to any other males, be it colleagues or customers, he would drive off and leave her to walk home.
But she found his company favorable to living at home and so moved out when I was about 6/7. I didnt see her again for years.
Life carried on as normal, I fought like any sister with my brother and often argued with my mum, usually about how little I was doing to help her. One day my brother decided to run away to London, I begged him to take me with him but we wouldnt. I didnt tell anybody he had gone. When they found out the police and such were phoned. He was bought back the next day no the worse for wear. We kind of bonded after that. Stopped fighting and used to comfort each other when mum had been mean. Dad wasnt around much, he worked all the hours he could, often we used to think it was to stay out of her way. I used to love it when dad came home. Because no matter how mean mum had been to me, she was normal with me again once dad came in.
When I was about 9, we received a mysterious letter. I was not allowed to know anything about the letter but mum and dad argued a fair bit about it. About two weeks later mum told me that I had another sister, but that she had left home when I was very young. She had gotten pregnant and the babies farther didnt believe it was his so he kicked her out. She ended up in a refuge. Near the end of the pregnancy he came to see her and said he would take her back if she got rid of the baby. So the baby (whom she named Samantha) was put up for adoption. Apparently my parents put in to adopt her, but my sister said she didnt want them to have her so blocked it. She ended up in the Isle of Mann.
Well anyway, turns out the letter was from my sister. She had seen us out shopping one day and decided she want to make amends. Dad had gone to visit her without my mum (how dare he go without her permission she said) but anyway, turned out she had 2 kids. I found out later that when my dad went he just sat with the kids on his knees and cried.
So he arranged for my sister(Shell), her husband (Mike) and the 2 kids to come visit us the following week. Mum was not happy about it but she did agree to it finally. And so the following friday I met my sister, brother in law niece and nephew. Things were akward at first but they came down regulary and soon it was like they had never been gone.
A couple of years later my Mum found something in my brothers room (I forget what ti was now) and asked were he got it. When the full story eventually came out, it turned out he had been visiting my other sister (Tracy) and that was were it came from. Although the parents were not happy, they knew they could not ban him from seeing his sister. When she had her third child (Who was a twin, but one died during the pregnancy) my mum sent a gift and even allowed me to go with my brother.
A couple of months later, my brother came to tell my mum that Tracys youngest baby was very ill in hospital. Her stomach had twisted inside her or something which involved a big op and along stay in Alder Hey. My mum offered to have the other 2 children while Tracy was at the hospital and so they started speaking again. I now had 2 nieces and 2 nephews.
There was always some wierdnesss between my two sisters, but I put it down to sibling riverally. When I was about 14, I started to do things that I shouldnt have been doing. I stole some poppers out of my brothers room and used them a fair bit, not really knowing what they were at this point (remember there was no internet back then so I couldnt just look it up). I also started punishing myself, I would stay up late at night mostly till about 4am but often all night, still going to school for 8am the next day. I started smoking and playing around with boys. I got into lots of fights. From there on, I started scratching myself with needle along my wrists, fantasying going deeper.
One night when I was about 15, I decided enough was enough. I took half a packet of paracetamol, wrote my goodbye note, laid down and cried myself to sleep.
When I awoke the next morning, I was so angry. Why was I still here. Sure I felt rough and couldnt keep much down, but I was still alive. I screwed my note up (Which was full of I am sorry, I wish we had gotten on better and had a normal relationship blah blah and was addressed to my mum)
I sat down the following night and took the whole packet of paracetamol. I spent most of the night heaving my guts up and generally feeling awful. Yet the next morning I still got up and went to school. About a week later, I picked up a prescription for migraine tablets from the doctors. As it was a prescription it was for a large amount. That night I took 2 full boxes.
Within 40 minutes I was heaving again. Mum thought I had a stomach bug so let me stay off school the next day, which was a good job as I spent most of the time in the loo. I felt so rotten I will never forget it. I dont know how it didnt mess me up more. The amount I took should have caused liver damage. But of course, once the sickness subsided and my muscles healed from all the heaving there were no signs at all.
I started spending as much time as possible at my sisters house (Tracy). She had moved house and we often joked about converting the extension into a room for me. My brother was working in a local supermarket, but ripping them off by stealing alcohol. He used to sell me it at a cheap rate so I used to spend my weekly pocket money on spirits and spent a lot of time drinking, even getting drunk during an RE lesson in school. Pretty soon after that he was caught out. He was sent into the bosses office to wait for the police. The boss got called out of the office for some reason and my brother stole his keys and ran out the shop. He then stole the bosses expensive car and was involved in a high speed police chase involving helicopters and such before he eventually wrote the car off. He was of course arrested and as he had spent a lot of time in the past in trouble with the police (robbing car badges and other various teenage pranks) he was sentenced to 8 months in juvenile prison. We visited him a couple of times. I missed him lots. Visiting will be something I wont forget. the whole police dogs and searching stuff.
Around here sometime, my sister (Shell) also had another baby, a girl. Her husband (Mike) beat her up one night and she rang us crying.n We went down and made sure she was ok and everything. I found a lot out about Mike that night. Turns out he had tried to sleep with my other sister a few years back and had kind of stalked her in a way. (explains the tension between the two of them) And Mike had apparently beaten my sister lots of times before and locked her out the house a few times. Of course she got her self back on her feet, but as these things tend to happen, within a few weeks, she got back together with him and it was like nothing had ever happened.
At 16, while studying for my GCSE I got a job in a shop in town. Suddenly I had money, most the study went out the window. I used to have to be in for 11 at night. So once on study leave I worked most days. In the morning I would ride my bike to my friends house and leave it there. We would then get the bus to town were we would both go to work. At the end of our shift we would meet up, get the bus back and go the local pub were we would spend the night drinking. At about 10:45 I would leave hers on my bike and ride home and make it in just before 11 (As long as I didnt wobble off the bike, which was always a possibility) This continued for a few months until I had a huge row with my mum.
After that row, I didnt physically speak to my mum for about a month, we avoided each other which suited me fine. I started saving some money (Move on to spirits instead of cocktails, much cheaper) and then I found a bed sit to rent. The place was a dump to be honest, but it was easy to get to work and I could just about afford it.
I didnt tell my family I was leaving. Didnt think I owed them anything so why should I. Left a note, basically telling her not to try to contact me and a load of selfish ramble to boot. Rang for a taxis, one of those big people carriers. Dumped my stuff in the back and officially left home.
Things were great, for a few days. Till I went into work and was told I was being fired. Apparently there had been some discrepancies in my till. I had never ever stole from work! I did consider it once, I thought about taking a pound out as I had no money to buy dinner, but instead I Went hungry. But this is what they claimed and so I was offically out of work. Now it was hard enough getting a job, but at that time of year, nowhere would hire a 16 year old as they had all the uni students looking for work.
A few days later I got my GCSE results. While I didnt do as well as I had hoped, I had done fairly well especially considering the lack of work I did. I decided to write my results down and give it to my mum. I dont know why I decided to go to her work instead of just posting it through my old house. But I had basically said that I knew the results were not good enough for her, but I was happy enough with them (which was kind of a lie) (Bear in mind that I did my maths GCSE a year early and got a B, the highest I could get on that paper and I had come higher than all but 1 of the year above me. When I told my mum her words wre "I dont know why your celebrating, you could have done better, why didnt you get an A" so my assumptions were not totally incorrect)
Anyway, my friend who I asked to deliver the letter decided to tell my mum I was outside so she came out. We had a begruding hug and a cry. She asked me to come home I agreed as I didnt have a choice with having no job. She then gave me some money to buy some food and such with.
The first thing my friend and I did was buy some stuff for a fry up ha. That night we went out clubbing with the rest of my class. My friend and I decided that we would go to a different club from everyone else as we wanted to do some drugs but didnt want the whole school finding out. While out I started dancing with this boy, Kieran. We got on ok and such and my friend decided that I should lose my virginity before moving back home. ha. Seemed like a good idea at the time. We had no taxis fair so we were going to walk but then kieran said he had money and so we invited him back. My friend eventually fell asleep on the sofa in my bedsit while I was cuddling with Kieran. Still high as a kite and drunk to boot, I slept with him.
Had to kick him out early the next morning after getting his number as my parents were coming to collect me to take me home again. and so I moved home. But not for long...
I had a fairly healthy family life growing up. Lived with both of my parents, my brother (who was 3 years old than me) and until I was about 6 one of my sisters (who was about 20 years older than me.) I used to love it when my sister lived at home as I shared a room with her and so used to get out of tidying it up a lot. (Somethings never change) However, she used to work full time as did my dad and my mum worked part time.
Mum expected my sister do to all the cooking and cleaning and often pick my brother and I up from school. It would have made more sense for my mum to do these things what with my sister working full time, but my mums logic was my sister had it easy as she still lived at home. My sister got in with the wrong crowd, she had a bf who was very possessive. She worked as a chef and if her bf came to pick her up and saw her talking to any other males, be it colleagues or customers, he would drive off and leave her to walk home.
But she found his company favorable to living at home and so moved out when I was about 6/7. I didnt see her again for years.
Life carried on as normal, I fought like any sister with my brother and often argued with my mum, usually about how little I was doing to help her. One day my brother decided to run away to London, I begged him to take me with him but we wouldnt. I didnt tell anybody he had gone. When they found out the police and such were phoned. He was bought back the next day no the worse for wear. We kind of bonded after that. Stopped fighting and used to comfort each other when mum had been mean. Dad wasnt around much, he worked all the hours he could, often we used to think it was to stay out of her way. I used to love it when dad came home. Because no matter how mean mum had been to me, she was normal with me again once dad came in.
When I was about 9, we received a mysterious letter. I was not allowed to know anything about the letter but mum and dad argued a fair bit about it. About two weeks later mum told me that I had another sister, but that she had left home when I was very young. She had gotten pregnant and the babies farther didnt believe it was his so he kicked her out. She ended up in a refuge. Near the end of the pregnancy he came to see her and said he would take her back if she got rid of the baby. So the baby (whom she named Samantha) was put up for adoption. Apparently my parents put in to adopt her, but my sister said she didnt want them to have her so blocked it. She ended up in the Isle of Mann.
Well anyway, turns out the letter was from my sister. She had seen us out shopping one day and decided she want to make amends. Dad had gone to visit her without my mum (how dare he go without her permission she said) but anyway, turned out she had 2 kids. I found out later that when my dad went he just sat with the kids on his knees and cried.
So he arranged for my sister(Shell), her husband (Mike) and the 2 kids to come visit us the following week. Mum was not happy about it but she did agree to it finally. And so the following friday I met my sister, brother in law niece and nephew. Things were akward at first but they came down regulary and soon it was like they had never been gone.
A couple of years later my Mum found something in my brothers room (I forget what ti was now) and asked were he got it. When the full story eventually came out, it turned out he had been visiting my other sister (Tracy) and that was were it came from. Although the parents were not happy, they knew they could not ban him from seeing his sister. When she had her third child (Who was a twin, but one died during the pregnancy) my mum sent a gift and even allowed me to go with my brother.
A couple of months later, my brother came to tell my mum that Tracys youngest baby was very ill in hospital. Her stomach had twisted inside her or something which involved a big op and along stay in Alder Hey. My mum offered to have the other 2 children while Tracy was at the hospital and so they started speaking again. I now had 2 nieces and 2 nephews.
There was always some wierdnesss between my two sisters, but I put it down to sibling riverally. When I was about 14, I started to do things that I shouldnt have been doing. I stole some poppers out of my brothers room and used them a fair bit, not really knowing what they were at this point (remember there was no internet back then so I couldnt just look it up). I also started punishing myself, I would stay up late at night mostly till about 4am but often all night, still going to school for 8am the next day. I started smoking and playing around with boys. I got into lots of fights. From there on, I started scratching myself with needle along my wrists, fantasying going deeper.
One night when I was about 15, I decided enough was enough. I took half a packet of paracetamol, wrote my goodbye note, laid down and cried myself to sleep.
When I awoke the next morning, I was so angry. Why was I still here. Sure I felt rough and couldnt keep much down, but I was still alive. I screwed my note up (Which was full of I am sorry, I wish we had gotten on better and had a normal relationship blah blah and was addressed to my mum)
I sat down the following night and took the whole packet of paracetamol. I spent most of the night heaving my guts up and generally feeling awful. Yet the next morning I still got up and went to school. About a week later, I picked up a prescription for migraine tablets from the doctors. As it was a prescription it was for a large amount. That night I took 2 full boxes.
Within 40 minutes I was heaving again. Mum thought I had a stomach bug so let me stay off school the next day, which was a good job as I spent most of the time in the loo. I felt so rotten I will never forget it. I dont know how it didnt mess me up more. The amount I took should have caused liver damage. But of course, once the sickness subsided and my muscles healed from all the heaving there were no signs at all.
I started spending as much time as possible at my sisters house (Tracy). She had moved house and we often joked about converting the extension into a room for me. My brother was working in a local supermarket, but ripping them off by stealing alcohol. He used to sell me it at a cheap rate so I used to spend my weekly pocket money on spirits and spent a lot of time drinking, even getting drunk during an RE lesson in school. Pretty soon after that he was caught out. He was sent into the bosses office to wait for the police. The boss got called out of the office for some reason and my brother stole his keys and ran out the shop. He then stole the bosses expensive car and was involved in a high speed police chase involving helicopters and such before he eventually wrote the car off. He was of course arrested and as he had spent a lot of time in the past in trouble with the police (robbing car badges and other various teenage pranks) he was sentenced to 8 months in juvenile prison. We visited him a couple of times. I missed him lots. Visiting will be something I wont forget. the whole police dogs and searching stuff.
Around here sometime, my sister (Shell) also had another baby, a girl. Her husband (Mike) beat her up one night and she rang us crying.n We went down and made sure she was ok and everything. I found a lot out about Mike that night. Turns out he had tried to sleep with my other sister a few years back and had kind of stalked her in a way. (explains the tension between the two of them) And Mike had apparently beaten my sister lots of times before and locked her out the house a few times. Of course she got her self back on her feet, but as these things tend to happen, within a few weeks, she got back together with him and it was like nothing had ever happened.
At 16, while studying for my GCSE I got a job in a shop in town. Suddenly I had money, most the study went out the window. I used to have to be in for 11 at night. So once on study leave I worked most days. In the morning I would ride my bike to my friends house and leave it there. We would then get the bus to town were we would both go to work. At the end of our shift we would meet up, get the bus back and go the local pub were we would spend the night drinking. At about 10:45 I would leave hers on my bike and ride home and make it in just before 11 (As long as I didnt wobble off the bike, which was always a possibility) This continued for a few months until I had a huge row with my mum.
After that row, I didnt physically speak to my mum for about a month, we avoided each other which suited me fine. I started saving some money (Move on to spirits instead of cocktails, much cheaper) and then I found a bed sit to rent. The place was a dump to be honest, but it was easy to get to work and I could just about afford it.
I didnt tell my family I was leaving. Didnt think I owed them anything so why should I. Left a note, basically telling her not to try to contact me and a load of selfish ramble to boot. Rang for a taxis, one of those big people carriers. Dumped my stuff in the back and officially left home.
Things were great, for a few days. Till I went into work and was told I was being fired. Apparently there had been some discrepancies in my till. I had never ever stole from work! I did consider it once, I thought about taking a pound out as I had no money to buy dinner, but instead I Went hungry. But this is what they claimed and so I was offically out of work. Now it was hard enough getting a job, but at that time of year, nowhere would hire a 16 year old as they had all the uni students looking for work.
A few days later I got my GCSE results. While I didnt do as well as I had hoped, I had done fairly well especially considering the lack of work I did. I decided to write my results down and give it to my mum. I dont know why I decided to go to her work instead of just posting it through my old house. But I had basically said that I knew the results were not good enough for her, but I was happy enough with them (which was kind of a lie) (Bear in mind that I did my maths GCSE a year early and got a B, the highest I could get on that paper and I had come higher than all but 1 of the year above me. When I told my mum her words wre "I dont know why your celebrating, you could have done better, why didnt you get an A" so my assumptions were not totally incorrect)
Anyway, my friend who I asked to deliver the letter decided to tell my mum I was outside so she came out. We had a begruding hug and a cry. She asked me to come home I agreed as I didnt have a choice with having no job. She then gave me some money to buy some food and such with.
The first thing my friend and I did was buy some stuff for a fry up ha. That night we went out clubbing with the rest of my class. My friend and I decided that we would go to a different club from everyone else as we wanted to do some drugs but didnt want the whole school finding out. While out I started dancing with this boy, Kieran. We got on ok and such and my friend decided that I should lose my virginity before moving back home. ha. Seemed like a good idea at the time. We had no taxis fair so we were going to walk but then kieran said he had money and so we invited him back. My friend eventually fell asleep on the sofa in my bedsit while I was cuddling with Kieran. Still high as a kite and drunk to boot, I slept with him.
Had to kick him out early the next morning after getting his number as my parents were coming to collect me to take me home again. and so I moved home. But not for long...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)