honesty

I think perhaps my writing in her has drifted from its original purpose.
At the start, I wanted it to be my outlet, where I was truthful, no matter how much that hurt me. Then, when things where getting hard, and I didnt have the energy it took to keep everyone in the loop so to speak, I let people know about my blog so they knew where I was and such. As a result of this, news of what I was writting was trickling back to my mother and of course, not only did that hurt her, but it also meant a lot of ear bashing for me. So I delinked everywhere, and only online friends knew where the links were. Of course, anyone who was already aware of the link still knew about it.

Somewhere along the way things changed. Fear of upsetting my friends, or of my mum finding out what I had written, or even just not wanting to be a burden, meant that unconsciously, when I came to post here, it would always be upbeat for the most part.

I think I have bee fooling myself.
I can feel myself slipping once again. The self esteem going lower, the mood dropping, the urges returning. I find myself questioning myself, is my current energy dip due to my health, or my mood. And how far can I take things before people in the real world begin to notice.

I can in the most part, be sensible. I know that I need to do everything in my power to stay well for my admission on Monday and for the most part I can do that. I take the meds, run the nebs and when bad urges strike I wait them out and talk myself out of it. But every so often, it gets too much. I will have spent hours talking myself out the urges and finally settled them, until someone says something and its the straw that broke the camels back. I find myself digging out my sharps, playing with pills or simply reaching for a bottle. I am fine and I can deal with this, but I need to start being more honest with myself, things dont feel as rosey as they once did. I am spending money on stupid things, replacing emotion with material objects. I am overdrawn, which I have not been in many years. Of course this just adds to the things that bother me.

I need to get this under control, before it consumes me and things go back to the way they were.

all good things come to an end.

Ive barley been on the computer compared with my norm.

Ive had a friend over and its been a good but busy weekend. Need to recover now (lol) There will be more about this later.

Im just tired tonight. Its been one of those long days that you just wish would hurry up and be over with.

It was my sisters birthday so we were going to go out for a meal. We were discussing how to arrange things best and I suggested a couple of things, but nothing was decided. Then they decided that they were going to a certain resturant and I mentioned something about how many tokens they needed. With that I got my head bitten off. That all the plans need to be changed yet again as i wasnt doing what I said I would do. (Yeah, I would be doing it if you just told me what the hell it was supposed to be) Anyway, they got pissy and stormed out.

So I deduced that I was supposed to pick my niece and nephew up from school and wait at my sisters house with them. So I am sat in the car, in the car park, waiting for the youngest to finish and talking to the eldest. We had the windows open because it was hot and we were just talking. The guy in the next car kept shouting his head off at his kids and was beginning to really annoy me. Then he looks over and shouts oi, whats that you got in your neck?! (Yeah I did have my scarf on but it was lose as I was in my own car minding my own bussiness) I sort of shook my head and shrugged, thinking perhaps I had imagined it. So he shouts again. I just glanced over to him and mumbled something about it being a medical device and turned back. I felt so embarrassed about it. I know I shouldnt, and I also know that he as an adult should have had a bit more tact, but I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole right there and then.

I made a cake for my sisters birthday, it was in the shape of hello kitty.

She seemed to like it.

I was talking to her later on, once my parents had gone home. Apprently mum told my eldest niece that I might have a nark on when I got there. (I have no idea why, when it was them getting pissy) and she told my sister that I had been out all weekend and had no meals at home at all. (I mean how dare I have any kind of social life for one weekend at the age of 24? Shocking isnt it) ha heres me thinking she would be pleased I was getting out, but of course, mother dosnt do pleased. Its so annoying. I know I need to keep doing things like this to get her used to it, but its been like this since I was young. I just give up on socializing and getting out because its just not worth the effort and the after effects that I get off my mum. It used to be the same with going to my sisters. I eventually stopped going as the time away wasnt worth the hassel and abuse I got when I got home. Its stupid, im an adult, I shouldnt be in fear of my parents.

Oh and even after asking mum not to say anything to my sister about me getting in touch with my other sister, mum starts talking casully about it in front of my sister, so I assume she told her then. (gee thanks)

So as a result of dad getting angry with me, the flashbacks have been on the edges of my vision all night. The blades sitting on my bedside table shouting out to me and a box of pills on my bed. It would be so easy to just destruct at this point. But its not worth it. I have the nurse out tomorrow so any damage would be picked up pretty quick. blah. But there is always tomorrow.

Oh and I am fully expecting at least one parent to kick off on me tomorrow, probably for not getting in till 10pm tonight (shock horror!) as they were in bed when I got home. But I dont care, it just gives me more fuel for my fire at this point.

Screw it

Double standards

Advanced warning: This is a pissed of uber annoyed post and will probably contain a fair bit of swearing. Oh what fun.

I am fucking fed up of your bloody double standards mrs oh so fucking perfect!
I was sick, from Thursday through to Wednesday. However, I did not moan, I got on with things. You had a right nark on with me on Sunday because it was mothers day and meant to be your day and yet I was being lazy. (It didnt matter to you that I felt absolutely rotten and it hurt to move or do anything) So I did what I could. I went to the cemetery even though all I wanted to do was curl up. Then when I sat down to recover for like 20mins you start kicking my possesions around 'because I shouldnt dare have anything of mine downstairs!' I was basically told to suck it up and get on with things when I was unwell.

But then you pick up the same virus from me, as does my niece. My niece, like me gets on with it and dosnt make a fuss. But you get, and its the end of the fucking world! You had to go to bed very early, then bring in a clear basin that you puked in to show me how sick you was. (Yes at the time I was still throwing up myself but I didnt bother taking the time to show you... mhmm why did i do this? maybe because im not a sick twat!)

So then you lie on the couch all day and cant possibly move, not even to get your own drink (Bear in mind if the illness progresses the same, this is the day I was being told off for not doing enough) Then in the evening you were offered food but said you would get something later. Then you go to bed in a sulk because dad didnt offer to make you something to eat later on!

All day you had go at me, that I didnt have to stress so much about getting dads tea done and stuff because he is perfectly capable of doing it himself. Then the next day when I didnt do much, you told me off because dad has been working all the hours and shouldnt have to come home and do anything in the house! Make up your bloody mind!

You tell me I am lazy and shouldnt sleep so much. And then when the doctor asks, you tell her that I need my sleep because my nights are disturbed. And oh joy, the doctor told you today that if oyu didnt begin to feel better by saturday to not go back to work. Gee thanks Dr. You know my mum, you know she will milk this for all its worth. So now it looks like I am going to have to put up with her all next week to as i bet she stays off.

Mum said something before in the car. And I mentioned that we had the same thing so it will probably run the same course and if anything hers should clear quicker than mine as she is healthier than and with a proper immune system. Her reply: But I have been much sicker than you. I just looked at her. And she started explaining about throwing up and such. I just said... oh right, I didnt have any of then? I must have dreamt it. Just because I dont bloody go on about it permanently dosnt mean I dont have.

Its like the other day when a doctor was going on about how high at risk I am from cancer due to my medications. We come out and mum goes, yeah your probably about the same risk as me now, because I got sunburn as kid!! FFS stop comparing, its not a bloody competition to see who is the fucking sickest. Because to be honest with you, you can be the sickest! You can take all my pills and go through all the surgeries and procedures and the trouble doing things and everything that goes with it!

Argh. Majorly pissed with her!

Oh and then she sees that I have just taken my bedding straight out the tumble dryer and am folding it and she starts having a go at me because its creased and its never creased when she does it. For one its bedding, I dont really care if its creased! And for 2, what the fuck am I suppossed to do? Iron it before I put it in the dryer then fold it up all nice and ask the dryer nicely not to toss it around to much. Fucking get over it loserhead!

Im on a slippery slope right now.  I gave up my 2 months free. I dont want to be free anymore. I miss the control and all the other feelings of release that come with it. Its funny, I was looking at pics earlier from a time when I was a mess and causing a pretty bad mess of myself. You can see my hand in one of them. With perfectly manicured nails all painted and shinny with the french tip. Good how you can be totally falling apart, yet on the outside, everything looks rosey. Time for a relapse I think. I still have it in me, I doubted it at one point but I know its still there.

Photography and Photoshop

Something a bit different from my usual moaning for tonight's entry.
I website I 'work' on is having a creative competition with the theme of Orange (mainly because Self Injury Awareness day (SIAD) is approaching - 1st March) and they needed some examples to advertise it with.

This is SIAD one;

Not sure how much I like this one. Perhaps it would have looked better on a black background hmmm

hmm, it does make it stand out a little more. oh I dont know.

I also played around with an old photo that I took. I took this picture when I was away with my sister on the island of Mull in Scotland.

And after playing around with it I came up with this:

While I am here, these are a few of my favorite photographs that I have taken. owh I miss having a decent working camera =[ (although I did see a great deal on a Nikon DSLR the other day and i so so want it)

  

 

 

 

 

  

Yup, so there my favorites that I have stored online. Most my decent photographs are still stored on my old laptop whose power wire dosnt work >.< I will one day get around to grabbing all my old files off there. Oh and incase you didnt notice, I do have a kinda thing for sunsets. Used to be a thing for waterfalls (again mostly on my old comp)