Survivable

I thought it was time to get some stuff off my mind again.  Writting does help, so does ignoring everything and pretending its not happening, but I know I can only do that so long before a giant exploision occurs (see I can learn from the past.)

The last few months have been awsome, and hard and scary and happy and most of all full of yet more memorys. I gather those close to me and pull them closer, it feels good, better than when I used to push them away. And yet there are times I still feel alone and times when I dont feel alone, but wish I was. Things get confussing. Like seeing concern, worry, panic and generally sadness cross a loved ones face, then I wish I were alone. I hardly panic, I figure there is no use to it, sure I get scared, but I seldom panic. Either I will come out of the other side, or I wont. The way I see it, I seldom have control over such things. Im not saying that everything is survivable, just that everything except the last thing is.

The last month has included two admissions and one holiday. The first admission, was to my usual ward close to home, well I say my usual ward, that is a whole level of another story. The first few days, they wanted me in asap, and the only place with a bed, just so happened to by my old usual ward, the one where I first had my trach put in, the one where I spent months of my life, the same one where I more than a few close calls and respiratory arrests. Its been along time since I have been to this ward. Mainly because its a surgical ward and there is very little that they can do surigically. Most the staff have changed, but still, I hated being there. The place is stepped with memories. I did expect more of the staff to come by and say hello, however, after I while I recall that actully last time I was on the ward, I kinda walked out without telling them. Im not a rebel patient and I do do as I am told, but I was in pain, had lack of sleep and was talking to a brick wall. I had come out of surgery the day before. Due to the amount of scaring I have in my airway, the slightest touch is agony. The drs are aware of this and for this reason I am on things like Morphine when home. I take it, I deal with it and get on with it. Being in hospital, the nurses are in charge of painkillers. I hadnt sleept well ( i dont do well on little sleep) and for 3 hours solid I had been asking for painkillers. I was pacing the room in tears because I was in agony. They were discharging, I was just waiting on them to print the paper work. I live a 5 minute walk from the hospital. So I packed my backpack, walked home, took my painkillers and slept in my own bed. I would bet, that they didnt notice me gone for a very long time. They didnt ring to make sure that I was ok or anything, so yeah. But anyway, i digress.

So back on my old ward, I hated it, the staff seemed distant, untalkative. I barley saw anyone and felt like crap sleeping most of the time. A few days later, I was back on my own ward with the staff I knew. Staff who think nothing of grabbing a drink on night shift and sitting down talking to me in my room. So I did my 2 weeks of IV antibiotic, with a continous infusion of bryicanyl. and I began to feel better.

All wired up

I am under strict instructions on the ward that I am not allowed to mix. I avoid the social areas and I go home of an afternoon. So I have now told the drs that I dont like this new pattern and I hope that I dont end up readmitted. The pattern being that I was addmitted in Novemeber, and december and now januaury all for IVs, all for the same infection.

Who says hospital beds are made for one.

The problem being that I seem to be on one big circle (gross stuff in the paragraph feel free to skip) Because of my throat issues, when I cough, the trach tube irriatates my throat, causing it to bleed. I cough up the blood, which eventually clots. A few hours later when I cough again and irritate the airway, the blood clod shifts, which is super sticky and hard to move. A labrous 10 min coughing fit usually follows including headache, dizziness and general exhaustion. Eventually the clot moves and I can breathe again, but then I cough blood due to the coughing and we begin all over. Though because I have a unatural airway, it is actually possible to block the tube, which if I dont clear quick enough, I will pass out from and/or die from.

So yeah, generally not the best thing to experince.

None of the above can be fixed only managed. And so the best way to do that is to keep on top of any infections. Then we hit the next problem. the current bacteria I have, I am now colonised with (means it is unlikely to ever leave my lungs.) It is also resistant to nearly every antibiotic. For the time being, we treat it only when it gets to the point that we cant leave it any longer. At this point, im usually struggling to breathe, spending more time coughing than not coughing and sleeping at every opertunity. There is one antibiotic that can keep the bacteria under control, but if we keep using it, the bacteria will adjust and when I need it the most, it may become resistant. Its like being between a rock and a hard place.

I do my nebs everyday without fail. I am very compliant with treatment, I know that if I miss one session then I feel it in my lungs. My current session includes Salbutamol (short acting bronchodialtor - to open the airways) ipratropium (long acting bronchodialator - prevent bronchospasms) Hypertonic saline 7% (salty soloution - makes stuff on my chest looser) Amikacin ( anti biotic - keep on top of infections) Budesoonide (steroid - to keep inflamation down) +/- Dnase (DNA acting solution to thing the stuff on my chest - mega expensive, can only get limited options due to funding) I do these between 2 - 4 times a day depending. I also do chest physio and spend a minimum of 9 hours on a heated humidifier.)

So overall my team are on top of my treatment and I am doing everything I can to stay in control myself. And yet a week after coming out of the hospital and I feel like I am back to square one. If left to my own devices I can sleep for 14 + hours straight. The more I move, the more I cough and the more exhausted I get.

Im finding the whole thing frustrating at the moment. I always thought it would be the something surgical that would finish me off, my latley, it is looking more like it will be this infection. Its soul destorying.

But anyway, onto the nice things.
I have just spent a few days in france with my parents. It was nothing major, but a few days away from everything. Time to relax and just be. prescious prescious time with my family, doing silly unintresting things like cooking a meal and generally hanging out together. It was nice and I totally fell in love with the place that we stayed. One day, I want to own a beach house there. I think the air would do my lungs good.

I forgot a piece off my humidifier. Had to kinda do a Blue Peter job, but it worked. Do I get a badge now?

I am also doing 2 night classes. One for photography and one for guitar. I am loving it. I miss playing an instrument and the guitar feels like the right one to learn with. Its sitting next to me now as I write this. I have been practising my cords, until my fingers hurt. I will get better and I cant wait.

Anyway, long enough, thank you for reading and all that jazz.