Rebuilding

The day I was stabbed, was the day I died.
The Kim that was lost, was not the one that was found.
Everything that was once familiar, became unrecognizable.
The face I saw in the mirror, the body, was a stranger.
The voice I spoke with, not my own.

But I am returning.
Not as the girl who stupid
but as the woman I want to be.

So much changed for me in that instant. So much that anyone would find intimidating, never mind a 16 year old.
It was like being dead for months and then suddenly returning.
There were months, moving to years, when nothing, nothing good happened in my life. Where every blow was more bad news, were every day bought new obstacles that could be the end of me, every breath the potential to be my last.

To try and be someone that I wasnt sure I was anymore.
Friends abandoned me, unable to deal with the broken me, not able to comprehend why I changed and blaming me for the things I blamed myself for. Neither them nor me had the life experience or skills to comprehend what had happened.

Its only as I grow older that I am able to begin forgive myself. To heal the wounds that I have done to myself wracked crazy with guilt turning to hatred.
It kinda explains why I over think everything, why I have abandonment issues, because when I needed people the most, when I could have really used a support network, the people I trusted turned their backs, developed blind spots in my exact shape and size.
And I dont blame them, I dont.
But the damage that is done when we are at our lowest, tends to cut us the deepest and take the longest to repair.

These days, when someone does something nice for me, I am genuinely shocked.
And when someone raises a voice or expresses a dislike or disdain from me, I go running as fast as I can, usually to the depths of my being, to a very dark place. to a place, where I can be sure that I am in control, where I can say, hurt me as much as you like, for you can never hurt me more than I can hurt myself.

For so long, I couldnt accept all that had happened. And until now, I never really counted losing my friends in that list of things. But as I begin to heal and rebuild, I can see more now.
I still have a long way to but every step brings me closer to being the person that I want to be.