Saturday, September 20, 2014


I have written so many entries and half entries. Some I have fell asleep whilst writting, some just never made the cut, some I have gone to post, but just didnt. But tonight, I feel I need to give speech to some things that I have been locked up in my fears box wanting to get out.

Dont get me wrong, life isnt bad at the moment, and nothing drastic has changed. But tonight, I am feeling a little raw.

I remember growing up, I was brazen and cocky and had no fear of anything. But time and cirucumstances have slowly chipped away at that facade. Some for the better, but some not so much.

These days, I have so so many fears. I fear that I am going to be stuck in this exact plase forever. That I never will find a cure, never find a work around. The life will always involve living from one surgery to the next, running merley damage control because that is all there is left to run.I fear that I will die before I have had a chance to make a mark on the world. I fear that I never will experince true love or any adult relationship. That my end will come or I will grow old alone. Never to have a family to call my own. Never to really achieve anything. Not an eduction, not a job or career not anything of worth. I worry that my parents will always argue. That they will end up spliting up due to their bickering. Or worse stay together and one of them suffer for so long. I worry that one day I wont be there to tell them both to stop. I worry that one day I will do something that I cant stop.

There are so so many things. Being like this for the rest of my life and never experincing true love are my greatest fears. And there is nothing that I can do about either. All I can do, is hope for the best.

And I am going to leave that there for tonight. My heart hurts sometimes and seems heavier than anything else. Its hard work living as if nothing bothers you, as if every operation is a walk in the park, that at my age, I want life to revelove around hospitals and medication and treatment. I want to just find peace.
one day....

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