Sunday, October 19, 2014
The 3 Hs, happy, healthy/ish and holidays.
This blog has been well and truly neglected. I would like to say that that is going to change, but I think we know that it is not true. So many things have changed though. I think back to when I started this, to who I was. I was deeply unhappy and not just unhappy, I depressed and remembering how bleak things were then and the things I did, makes me shudder. I never want to end up with things that dark again. I put myself at risk so many times. Overdoses and injuries, infections and abuse. I hope to never end up back there.
But even thinking back shorter periods of time, things have changed so much. I have come to accept who I am, mostly anyway and that for the forseable future I will have a trach. That one is not so easy. Yes I hate the way it looks, but more so I hate the inconvience of it. The machienery that is needed for up keep, the changes in my voice, to having no voice sometimes. The inability to have a conversation if I am using my hands, the added caution with things involving water, dirt, dust or infection. But even so, I have to say that I am making the most of things so far.
I have lost about 18lbs, I am eating healthier and I joined a gym to build up some muscle tone. Admittedly going to the gym kills me and I have to run a truck load of extra treatments to do it, but it is focusing on the long term effects that matter more at the moment. Oh and I havnt been for about 6 weeks as my latests infection has completely knocked me on my arse.
But apart from that I feel that I am living for the first time in a very long time. I am doing things that I want to do and ejoying them.
I have just gotten back off holiday were I spent some time in Turkey with realtives and in Greece. A chance to escape everything and unwind. I have always loved travel more than anything. I even found wild tortoise (something on my bucket list)
Speaking of bucketlists, I also go to meet and shake paws with an old english sheep dog and attended Creamfields where I watched Avicii live. I am currently pursuing seeing the northern lights.
So many things.
That makes it all sound like it has been fun and joy and it has in so many ways, but there has also been the usual background rubbish involving numerous courses of antibiotics and admissions for IVs. After many years planning, they figured out a way to put in a porta-cath, which is a port underneath the skin in my chest. This allows me to have IV medication straight into that now, instead of having to cannulas and needles. I have also had sugery to fit a stent into my airway, to try and save some of my voice. It is helping so far, but is also causing problems such as pain and potentially adding to my infection build up. I need to go in for IVs at some point soon (I was last in about 2 weeks ago, having gotten out for my holiday)
I never used to be able to understand how people could become obssesed with making sure everything is clean and things like health being such a big thing to them. To me it was always something that was either there or not. But as time goes on, and I find myself having to elvauate myself and my circumstances all the time, I find that it does become a much bigger thing. Kinda, ok my breathing is noisy today, what do I need to do. Is it airway or chest, ENT or pulmonary drs. Does the risk of antibiotics and immunity outweigh the risks of lung damage and scaring. Do I want to gain a couple of weeks of voice and good breathing, at a cost of infection, pain and exhaustion from surgery. Most days I dont know what the answer is, but I can see how it becomes a big thing. But in the end, I know that all I can do is to keep up my treatments as best as I can and hope for the rest to fall together.
In the meantime, I aim to enjoy what I have. Keep working on things off my list and trying to achieve things that most people my age have already achieved.