Saturday, February 01, 2014

The past (contains abuse)

I am pacing myself and still doing well. My mood is good and my health is stable and for that I am most thankful. It makes other things easier to face.

And example, tonight, whilst watching casualty with my fambo, one of the stories was a girl who had been raped. She didnt think people would believe her, but then confronted with the person who did it, she was like a rabbit in the headlights. She didnt know what to do, where to go, but the fear, you could see.

I know that it is only acting, but the part was played well and bought back so many memories. It is something I have struggled with for years, still do, but its not something I mention, not something I can bring myself to confront. Mine was differnt, for a lot of reasons, but, I didnt want to go through with charges, because I didnt think people would believe me. And truly, they shouldn't. I would say that I was assaulted, but I could never say that I was forced.

The person who did it, kept me locked in his flat one night when I cared to much and tried to help him. The night was a very long nightmare, where I almost lost my life more than once. I hurt everywhere from being forcably restrained. A 16 year old girl has little chance of escape from a 26 year old male, yet I tried. It resulted in strangulation more than once. To this day, I still feel that I only survived that night due to trying to be cunning and pretending to pass out in hopes of getting him to let go. I think the final time, if I had waited till I passed out fully, I would never have come around. But it was on the third time that I gave up all hope, that I came to the conclusion that nothing matter because I wasnt getting out ever again.

Every beat of my heart seemed to bring a new surge of fear and I fought just to take air in and out of my lungs. I stayed in that state of fear and anxiety for hours that seemed like days. (Months afterwards, I made a comment about it (I never spoke about anything from that time very often, even though my family knew, the police had told them everything they knew)  about how she thought it was longer than just one night and all I could think of, was that it felt like it. During that time, I stayed awake, thinking and thinking, of ways that I could escape with my life intact. I tried a few methods, but it never ended how I had hoped.

At some point, he decided that he wanted sex. I said no, of course. But as he continued to pester with sentences such as, I will open the door and let you go as soon as I am done, or I will kill you if you dont, then I can do what I want.

I didnt say no, I just lay there, trying not to think, trying to space my mind away from it all, trying to slow my heart rate down as it felt like it was making a brewak away from my ribcage. It wasnt hard to get lost, everything hurt so much, from my muscles, to my neck, to my head. It was easy to get lost in the pain. But getting lost is differnt from freezing. I know why I did what I did, but I could have fought more, I could have kept saying no.

I did get away in the end, after I had been made to wash and change of course. And to wear something with a higher neck to cover the bruising that was begining to replace the red marks. A friend talked me into going to the police, but even at 16, the police officer who came, was distant and pretty much said, you have no chance of a conviction. It was only the persuasion of the person with me, that made me go through with the exam. I remember that day, even though I hadnt slept for what felt like days, like it were yesterday. I  remember, even in the police station, sitting on the floor behind the door and pushing myself into the corner. The room just felt to big and I needed the feel of the walls behind me.

They didnt know where I had gone when they came to look for me, looking through the open door, searching to where I might be, asking each other in the hallway.

These days, I can look back at it distantly. Dont get me wrong, I have never properly been with a person in a sexual way since, but the fear doesnt push as strong now when I think of it. I still have vivid memories, but they are unlikely to go now and I have learnt to live with them.

I remember a friend saying to me long afterwards, that she thought that I was making it up for some reason at first. That given my ages maybe I was being dramtic or something. But then, when he confronted me, that I just took on a totally differnt look, one she hopes never to see on anyone ever again.

That is what it remined me of tonight. I struggled with that for a long time, still do to a point. But gradually starting to come to terms with things. Stopping myself from playing the what if game. Stopped hating myself for things that I did at 16 so much. And although it will never go away, it will fade and become less of an obstacle for me. I think sometimes, I need to remind myself that i need to start forgiving 16 year old me,

No comments:

Post a Comment