Crippling

Its nights like these when I can feel myself becoming more and more miserable. I wouldnt say depressed per se, though I guess it probably is to a point. I still get enjoyment and such, but some nights, the lows can be crippling.

Breathing is getting harder. Every morning, I wake and my chest muscles are so sore, from lying in an odd position and having to literally suck the air into my lungs. Yet I am so exhausted, that I sleep through it. I do wake myself, several times a night, with the noise of crap blocking more of my airway.

Simply, walking from kitchen to living room, right now, takes me about 5 minutes rest to catch my breath. And sleeping, I average about 11 hours a night and then days like today, I ended up napping for another 4 hours.

I know things could be so much worse. Perhaps that is why I only feel miserable. I am thankful for what I have. But its still an odd feeling. People I went to school with are celebrating things like their childrens 10th Birthday. Everyone I knew or know seem to be getting married, buying houses and having babies. And I know that isnt the be all and end all, but I mean come on, I still live with my parents. I havnt had a serious relationship since I was 16. The differences are just insane. I guess that is why I have trouble relating with people and making conversation. Ask me anything medical, and I can give you a good answer. But life experience? basic milestones? I have no idea. Sometimes that difference just seems a lot. Like, a different planet type of lot.

Mostly I just ignore it best I can. But, sometimes, when there is no sign of things changing, it just becomes like a weight. And that, is really all I have to say tonight.