Sunday, August 04, 2013


Its nights like these when I can feel myself becoming more and more miserable. I wouldnt say depressed per se, though I guess it probably is to a point. I still get enjoyment and such, but some nights, the lows can be crippling.

Breathing is getting harder. Every morning, I wake and my chest muscles are so sore, from lying in an odd position and having to literally suck the air into my lungs. Yet I am so exhausted, that I sleep through it. I do wake myself, several times a night, with the noise of crap blocking more of my airway.

Simply, walking from kitchen to living room, right now, takes me about 5 minutes rest to catch my breath. And sleeping, I average about 11 hours a night and then days like today, I ended up napping for another 4 hours.

I know things could be so much worse. Perhaps that is why I only feel miserable. I am thankful for what I have. But its still an odd feeling. People I went to school with are celebrating things like their childrens 10th Birthday. Everyone I knew or know seem to be getting married, buying houses and having babies. And I know that isnt the be all and end all, but I mean come on, I still live with my parents. I havnt had a serious relationship since I was 16. The differences are just insane. I guess that is why I have trouble relating with people and making conversation. Ask me anything medical, and I can give you a good answer. But life experience? basic milestones? I have no idea. Sometimes that difference just seems a lot. Like, a different planet type of lot.

Mostly I just ignore it best I can. But, sometimes, when there is no sign of things changing, it just becomes like a weight. And that, is really all I have to say tonight.

1 comment:

  1. I guess it is horrible to see those you grew up with leading a "normal" life. What is normal for one person isn't for another and your normal is far removed from your peers. Life experience? You have that in bucketfuls. It happens to not be the "run of the mill" life experience though :(

    You clearly battle hard through the tough times (of which you have an unfair amount) so hopefully you are able to enjoy the good times. I hope the good times start to increase in frequency, especially after the rotten time you've had recently.