Saturday, June 08, 2013


This is probably going to be a load of ramble and completely out of place. May not even make sense without context.

Its strange the way he makes me feel. Makes me want to be social able  its been such a long time since I have felt that. I find myself thinking if life were different, maybe we would match well. I know it could never be. Against the law to start with but for so many other reasons.

And yet, my head is filled with him. I know the feelings will as distance and time step into place and yet there is more. It is not some guttural feeling of romance, as far from romance as is possible really. 

But as I think on it more, it is hope. Hope he restores, and that is what I think I am drawn to. Like a moth to a light. I know it will hurt and I know I will get burnt and yet I still want to get close. 

You see, I realize it has been such a long time since I thought about what the future holds. What the future could hold. For each dream gets missed and the pain is felt all over again. In a protective mode, I just stopped thinking about the future. Deep down, my mind tells me, I am to old to try uni again, too worn to succeed. That age maybe just a number, but my numbers are getting on and the chances of finding someone grow slimmer. 

But in as little as one conversation, her reminds that there is still a future. That beyond the hardships and pains of now, I can still achieve my dreams. And like a drug I want more of that feeling. I am drawn to him and feeling he offers.

But now, away from him, away from the encouragement, away from him seeing what I hide, I begin to banish the thoughts once again. Like a drug, the come down is hard. To see reality and forsake the thoughts, because it is the thoughts that in the end cause pain. and without the encouragment of his words, the pain holds little pleasure.

He sees me and he sees a future that I even I hide from. Simple encouragment, with so much thought and meaning behind it.

One day, maybe, but probably not. And yet so many questions. Ones only he could answers, ones that could help shape the dream and yet, I will never really see him again. 

And so dreams are slowly laid to rest, if my mind could let them go at this point, it would be much appreciated.

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