Tuesday, June 11, 2013


I have begun writing about this admission. But it is an overly long entry and I have not finished it yet. But I feel the need to publish something tonight.

This admission had been filled with terrible terrible lows, difficulties and pain and yet, on the flip side, there have been some incredible highs that have caused me to re-evaluate everything.

I have realised that for so long, I have done the thing that I said I never wanted to do. I have let the illness control me. I gave up thinking about a future, I gave up trying for a future. In the past, it became a way to be hurt with disappointment. That may still be true, but it does also give you hope and excitement.

A certain someone has made me think these last few weeks. Where I thought my life was over, they have shown me that it can all still be there waiting for me. I am still the person I always was. When it is possible, I am still the person that enjoys physical activity. Still the person that used to love climbing, canoeing, sailing, cycling. I am still the person who dreams of becoming a nurse, or helping others and showing understanding that can only be shown by someone who has been there. I am still a person with so much to offer. Where I had written myself off as scrap, they have shown me, that with a little polish, I can still do so much.

For years, I have avoided friends and relationships. Thinking that any relationship, would need me to find someone who would be able to overlook my faults, put up with my medical issues and scaring and generally be someone who would settle for damaged goods. But this person has shown me that actually, maybe I needed to find someone who has respect for what I have been through. Rather than being damaged goods, to see the strength that it has taken to get where I am. A person who is blown away in awe at how I am still here fighting.

They still have faith that this op will work. And my faith is returning. I find myself thinking of the future once again. Of planning. To spend a couple of months building my fitness back. To really enjoy being alive in a body that works. To appreciate the inner most workings of the body.

And if it continues to work right, then to go back to work. To get into a position of paid work and no benefits. And if that continues to work, then back to uni. But more than just uni. Independent living. I want the full experience, not 26 living with my parents and going to uni, but maybe a shared house somewhere. And nursing.

To go back and finish my degree. To do the whole graduation thing.

And whilst I think of all this, I know it is dangerous, that I could be setting myself up for a fall. But during this time, I have the biggest grin across my face. Happiness can be possible. Life can be possible.

I know not everything will be perfect. I know it wont be easy going. That my lungs are still just as fucked, that they still need all the treatments and physio and everything that goes with it. But if this works on my trachea, then breathing will still be so much easier.

Life is for the living and right now, thoughts of living fill me to my brim.
They wrap around me like strong warm arms.
I dont want to forget this mood.
I dont want to part with it.
I just hope I can make it last.
Now if only the person who made me feel this, had a different role in my life, they would be good to keep the thoughts going. But, I cant keep contact with them, nor have any contact for a while.
So for now, I savour this feeling.
I dwell in possibilities.
I smile like I have not for years.
And tonight, I shall dream of living once again.

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