To say that I wasn't scared would be a lie.
I had my week away and got back late last night. Unpacking and repacking was not the thing I wanted to do very much as exhaustion was a pretty heavy thing. Not to mention that I really wanted to spend today helping mum. Whilst away we had new floor laid and though it looks very nice, there is a fair bit of cleaning up to be done.
The holiday was great. Time resting, soaking in some sun and just generally spending time with my parents away from the stress of hospitals and building.
Taking a dip in the sea or pool would have been nice, but that is a luxury that I may get on my next holiday. I actually kinds did take a dip in the pool though a little unplanned. My legs were really hot and so on the way back to the room after a couple of drinks I decided to paddle through the kids pool thinking it would come about half way up my leg. But as I stepped down into it, it was deeper than thought and so u ended up in almost to my waist and having to grab my bag to stop my camera getting wet, ignoring my dress that got soaked. But it was fun.
Anyway by 7 this morning I was on the train across country that would bring me back to London. And here I am sat in the hospital.
This is where the fear sets in. Soon they will be taking my trach out and going that I can make it till next Tuesday without my airway failing completely. I do still worry that I won't last, but there are options in place should things become critical, as they say.
I guess it just stirs up old trauma of respiratory arrests and such, but this hospital is much more specialised and hopefully things won't get that far. Of course saying that knowing how my body never does what it's expected it may not become a problem at all.
Plus there is always the aspect of an ICU stay. It should only be one night, but that is still the place that haunts a lot of my dreams.
I find myself wondering often why I keep putting myself through this. The risk of making things worse and the fear and pain that goes with it. This is after all very major surgery. For a while I will have no airway at all and will rely on a tube thread almost into my chest for ventilation. Not to mention the complaints my lungs will make along side the surgery.
But it is some why I do it. For the chance to be able to breathe. For the opportunity not to spend my life in hospital. Simply fit the chance to live. Living is one of the biggest life forces your body can attain towards. Each big surgery offers me a chance to get my life back. And that chance is what I have to go for. It's that chance alongside my hopes and dreams fit a future that make the pain and fear worthwhile.
The chance to live, to have a family, be a mum, work and build a career and live a long and healthy life. One not effected by inability to breathe and the exhaustion that comes with your heart trying to keep up.
Now I just need to keep them goals in mind and all will l be well for the next few weeks of living in captivity.