outlook

My post lately have drifted towards the depressed again. I make my life sound awful. But its not. I just tend to write when I have a lot building up and need to get it out.

Things are tough right now, I am not going to try and be a hero and say they are fine. My airway is getting tighter, breathing is harder and mornings are pretty much written off trying to get my lungs functioning enough to allow me to breathe and move at once. I find getting going hard work, simple tasks become exhausting and have to be done very slowly. Evenings the pain kicks in. Still rib pain, though the exsecive coughing dosnt help it to heal, the chances are now that that will always be there. and so between treatments and medicating I have had to add in some antibiotics for an infection.

But between all that, I am still living. I am able to get out using my scooter (truck) without it killing me to much. Even if it is only to the supermarket. The doctors are working the best they can to keep me out of hospital till my big surgery and I am most thankful for that. Sure I hate the amount of time I run treatments, but at this point, it has slowed down the deterion.

There are obviously aspects of my life that I would change given the chance, but that is not to say that I dont have it good now. I am enjoying the simple things right now. Sitting on the sofa next to my dad, working on a word game together. Helping mum with tea, talking to my niece. All moments in time to savour.

And they are what make this fight worth it.

But things are on the change, I can feel it again.

I am lucky enough to be going away on Monday. Getting to spend some quality time with my parents for a week where the weather is warmer and the stress is less. The break will do us all good. To feel the warmth on on our faces, the tide under toes. Feeling close, before being seperateed by miles.

The day after I come back, then its off to London for the big one. I feel positive about this one. Hopefully it will be enough to work. A mix of surgery and the treatments and medication, will hopefully force my airway to behave. That would be nice.

In short, I am thankful to those a\round me, family, friends, doctors. I am terrifed of the big op, or more so the ICU afterwards and the risks before. But, anything worth doing, is going to be hard and the chance of being able to breathe is defitnely worth it.

So my trust is in the doctors. And the next time I write, will be a fair bit ahead.
For now, I am living on the high of having had a great day with my niece and knowing that no matter what happens, she will be ok and looked after well.

And till then, I am lucky to be able to do this wait, believe me, I know how lucky I am to have made it this far.