Because of you

Its been a funny day in the land of my moods.

I had a dream last night, I dream a lot and very vividly, I think that is part of what stops me wanting to go to bed in the night.

But this was differnt. I was a spy, I had a team. We worked together and we worked well. We had each others back. I had a bow an arrow and it felt amazing to be useful.

I have been watching a series called chuck which is about a spy, which could have bought the dream on, but it was totally differnt.

When I woke this morning, I was sad that I wasnt spy. That melanchoia feeling has stayed with me all day.

Later on in the day, I had been working with the tv on. Kelly Clarkson Because of you came on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTTjLxXFg0k

And the lyrics just hit a spot.

Ok, the song suggest against the parents, and mine is against someone else, but so much of makes me think.

Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I dont trust anyone. I have built this whole persona around being an independant person who dosnt need anyone. Sometimes I let people in, but the first hint that pain maybe invovled and I run. I blame them of course, I shut off. I wont let them get the best of me, control me, look down on me. How can I let anyone in when I know the damage they can do.

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

My life is empty, at my own hands. I not only play on the safe side I make sure no one has access if things should begin to move away from uber safe.

It hurts that it is over 10 years and I am still afraid, I am still shut off.

I got some closure on such a relationship this week, though I feel better, I cant help but feel perhaps it is this over again and I have to wonder how long this will keep happening for. 

An old friend tried to get in touch. I put my foot down. She started to hurt me once before, why should I let her in to do it again. She apologised  Even said that she should have done something rather than sit back and watch me destroy myself. 

I wasnt destroying myself, I was surviving the best way I could. But simple words, may have changed things back then. 

They were dark days. I was needing stitches several times a week and stopped going due to the hassel. I had server infections that have left me with a huge numb section. Eventually I learnt to self suture, so that I could keep at destroying myself without anyone knowing. I spent the nights drinking till I passed out and came up with an ingensious plan to cause an early death. After 4 weeks working on my plan, things got noticed and an end was put to it. Damage was done, irrepareable damage, but again, I shut off at the point. Why tell anyone anything. Just more hurt.

And now? now, I live clinging to the slope. Knowing that if I let my guard down, I will be right back there and it will ruin everything. But the truth is, I live in fear. For so many reasons. Its like being permantly stalked by my own mind all the time. Be it a dream, a sound, a song. Fear of hurt, so I used to hurt myself as a way to say ha, you cant hurt me more than I can hurt myself. 

But then something happens and it does hurt again and I have to take control. Fear jumps in and I have to prove to myself once again that I am in control by being able to cause more pain than anyone else can. 

But the fear is still there. It still haunts me. Just waiting in the shadows for me to let me guard down, to let someone in. I must stay in control and so I stay with armour up, and I shall keep from letting anyone in.

I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you