Thursday, April 25, 2013

buh bye brain

My brain sometimes decideds that it has had enough.
On days like this, it just deserts my body and my thinking.
On those days, it can be odd, the thinks that my mind comes up with on its own.
Kinda like when you have a ton of stuff to do and its all so overwhleming that you decide to do none of it and take a nap or go out instead.
I had my meds increased a couple of weeks ago, to try and limit these times, but there are still nights like tonight, when things just bottom out. and though i could essentially fight it, there is a  bigger part of me that just says meh, lets just let my mind do what it wants for a change, no  cares on the outcome.

Part of my mind says, lets not run my treatment, lets feel like a rebel and say fuck it. But that is shotting myself in the foot. Without the nebs I will go downhill quickly and perhaps then lose out on my holiday.

Part of me says, lets abuse this bottle of pain med, that it would be nice to be that numb. But it would take a few days to replace it and right now, the pain is at a level where I need it.

Of course, there is always my old friend the blade, that always gives relief, but there isnt enough time for healing to occur before my next addmission. Which leads to a whole new barrel of fish, as I need the hospital to see me as competent and non depressed. Signs of depression, could mean the inability to say no to further surgery when the subject arises. So for my long term plan, that is not an option.

Of course, there is always my other old friend alchol. Less permant, should allow me a few hours of numbness, though pretty borining and stero typrical. Always hated being predicatable. Maybe a mix of things might help.

Of course there is always the option of taking a shower, having an early night and just riding out the mood. But where is the fun in that. No I need this realse. I need to escape these feelings, because right now, they hurt like hell. And I am not ready to explore not feeling good enough and facing the darkness of the night alone just now.

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