Thursday, September 06, 2012


I dont know where I go to from here, I am lacking structure.

For as long as I remember, I have always had something in life to aim for, or at least something to build around.
There has been college and uni which became such a big aim in my life. Then hospital took over and for a long time, it was making it to the next appointment, surgery, admission. But now, hospital is on a back burner. I told my surgeon I didnt want admitting last time I saw him, there is nothing he can do to improve things, that is worth going through the whole surgical experience for, I accept that this is now a waiting game.

But now, I have nothing to plan around and although its good that that means no hospital, it is bad in that I need to get back with the living.

I am alive and that is right where I should be. I need to live and to live you have to do. I have spent the summer existing and that has been good, I have enjoyed pottering around, playing with my craft stuff, spending time with my niece and watch rubbish tv. But I need more and I am not sure what that is. I need something to show for my time, I need human contact.

Watch this space I guess on that one. Exhausted yet wanting to do more, we shall see how that plays out.

On other news, today was a hard one. A sudden coughing fit in the middle of a shop, gasping, spluttering, tears streaming down my face. Afterwards the pain and exhaustion kicks in, in a sudden wave. Shoulders and back ache from forcing air into my lungs and all I want to do is curl up and sleep.

Today marks the start of another uncomfortable trachea phase. My tube sticks out more than it should, I cough more, gasp more, experience more pain. My peak flows barely hit 140 and I begin to struggle with full sentences. But, I can keep my calm, pace myself, for I know that it will pass. That in about 3 days, I will spend the day coughing up blood, my tubes will clog and my heart rate will jump. But then, the pain will settle, my tube will slide back into proper place and my breathing will settle with my peak flows jumping to around 220 again.

This too shall pass and that is enough to bring me through.

Ha, its a little ironic, I had to sit through a driving/speed course yesterday, but I couldnt drive myself as I had high doses of opiates in my system. Trying to get out at the end and not let all the other drivers see I wasnt driving was fun.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Kim, Rushing here, as usual, but I think you will benefit from meeting others and maybe you could find some work/situation in which you could help others. You are wise beyond your years and have so much to offer to other people. I'm sure you will think of something.
    I hope "it" passes quickly and your tube slides back into place real soon, it sounds very scarey and painful. Sorry I haven't commented on the last few posts but I have been reading them, I was a bit down and couldn't find the right words.
    I look forward to reading what you come up with to make good use of your time, as always, you are a true inspiration and I'm sure you will think up something good, Take care Kim x