nonsense.

I have been staring at the screen once again for the last 20 minutes, contemplating what to write.
How to up date, how to sumerise where I am up to.
But in truth, right now I dont know where I am.

What I do know, is that its  not even 10pm here and I am tucked up in bed. I have not been dressed all day and yet I feel worn out.

My last addmission showed me a lot. Where I thought I had strength, I dont. I lack the ability to stick up for myself and that leaves me unable to fight in the areas I need most right now.

Right now, I need to cling to people, I need people around me, to tell me things will be alright, to see through the facade and know that perhaps the unspoken is bigger than first thought.

Right now, each day is a battle. Although I am out of hospital at the minute, my health is still not complient.

In round up, I went to clinic last week struggling to breathe. Clinic addmitted me as they didnt know if it was infection in my throat or scar tissue. If it is infection, that is easy to clear with meds. If it is scar tissue, that becomes more complicated as it means that it will keep building and keep needing to be removed, until a point is reached when we cant keep up with removing it. Then things get more complex.

After a week of meds, the conclusion was drawn that, it is infection, but the infection is building up as I can not get the breathe to clear it due to the scar tissue. The scar tissue was removed and I was allowed to go home.

Upon getting home, I developed this extreme anxiety, that had no known cause. I was still on my pain meds and struggling to keep my eyes open, yet, I didnt want to go to sleep, I was to scared to sleep. I stayed awake until about 2am, but did eventually drift off despite my best efforts to stay awake.

That night, every half hour, I would wake, gasping for breathe, barley able to get the oxygen flowing through my lungs. I kept having to change position in hopes that my airway would give me some free flow. I gave up at 7am and got up.

Later that date, I had clinic with my chest consultant. He isnt happy with my chest or how much I am suffering with it. He basically said, you have 3 big seperate problems, but put the 3 together and you are in a right mess. Crappy lungs, immunsupressed  and a disagreeing trachea.

He wants to admit me. He wants to blast my lungs with some more drugs, get some physio input and monitor me a little more. He said he cant touch the trachea area, but wants to work as best as he can with it as he can see how much it is tiring me.

So I had to agree to be admitted for some more IVs, which I am now waiting for. I also need to keep my surgeon updated on how things are. The good news with this, is that my chest guy has agreed finally to have a port fitted in my chest. This is such a weight off my mind. Right now, IV meds have to be put through a needle fitted in my arms or legs. The needles are very difficult to be put in me now and most I have to wait for anestists to come fit them. Having a port, will mean no more needles, it will be mean a safe access point in emergency, it will mean not having to miss med doses when a needle can not be sited. It also means, that eventually I will be able to run the IV meds from home myself, and therefore avoiding hospital addmissions.

Huge step forward.

But right now, I can barley stay awake in the day, yet, unable to sleep of a night as my breathing likes to keep me awake. My lungs feel like they are on fire and I generally feel rough.

Now here is the hopefull part. Over the next week or so, things should improve. With a bit of luck, my throat issues at the minute, will just be swelling, it wont be scar tissue. Antibiotics will clear my lungs out and give me some energy again.

The thing I want to avoid most, is going to London next week. I need my throat to improve, as if i am still struggling I could well end up back in London, which I dont think my mind is up to keeping up with right now.

Half of this dosnt make sense. I have lost my focus writing. I wont delete it right now, this is just the stage of my mind wandering. I will however try to rephrase tomorrow perhaps.

I just need a sign, something to tell me that I dont need to go to London again, as that is my worst thought right now and I would rather stay home and recuperate.

Oh and I am slowly working on catching up with blogs, but I have difficulty keeping my eyes open, and so if your blog has more than 3 lines of text, then it may take me a little while longer.