Sunday, September 23, 2012

gotta give

Something has to give, something has to change. And it has to change soon.

My last post made little sense. And this post is even harder.

Everyday my breathing seems to be getting tighter. Where at one point, I used to feel breathless, now, I feel the trapped, I feel it trying to get out, i feel it stuck. My body crying, screaming for oxygen, my lungs pumping it and my throat unable to keep up. The pressure builds, the effort increases, things go fuzzy.

I know I complain lots about sleeping too much, but this is beyond anything I have had before. I can barley keep my eyes open. Long sleep, unable to wake. Inability to read anything as my eyes keep going crossed trying to stay open. Right now, I type with my eyes shut, jerking awake suddenly every sentence or so.

But sleep is not as easy as it seems either. Everytime I sleep, I drift off, begin to relax, begin to rest, before suddenly being ripped back into reality my lungs once again complaining, forcing the air through the smallest of gaps. Shift my tube, make the gap slightly bigger and I can sleep again. Sleep until the next time. Hourly on average. Right through the nights.

When moving my tube brings me to tears, then I no know it is time to top up the painkillers. I hate them too. Yes they make you more sleepy, but the pain is extrodanariy. Like somebody has a knife to my throat. The slightest movement.

A world of painkillers and sleep. But its not enough, its not comforting. What if's play through my mind.

So many symptoms. Shake head rapidly to force eyes to focus. Everything a struggle. Conversation, impossible, movement exhausting. I walked 15 steps earlier, from kitchen to living room. Over 5 minutes to get my breathe back and another 20 mins to get the energy. Cant be bothered with food, to much effort.

Sleep calls once again, only had 19 hours to day.

I need help. I know I need help. Beyond anything I have done before. Is this what dying feels like? Is this what the end will eventually be like? Pity from people. Doctors, giving you everything you ask for. Parents making you sit still. Looks of concern. Skin so pale.

I need that help and I need it soon. I need it tomorrow, not later. But off who.
Main surgeon says nothing he can do, says speak to home team. Home team say, nothing they can do, speak to main surgeon. Like a child, go ask your mum, go ask your dad. I dont have the energy to play, I dont have the ability to be elquont. I have reached out, I have asked for help. I have hanfef control over.

Time to drift off into nothingness. Tomorrow will see a change one way other. Tomorrow help will come.
I hope it does anyway, this is getting beyond my ability to handle small quantaties of fear.

Tomorrow or bust!
Something has to give.
Giving into inability to see.
Cant make out letters.
So good night.
And thank you.
some rest please now.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Kim, I'm lost for words, I've been thinking about you today and I know there is nothing I can say that will make any difference. You're probably not even up to reading this . . .
    I'm hoping and praying something will change for you today and you will get the help that you need so badly.
    I can hear how desperate and exhausted you are, how frightening this must be for you Kim . . .
    I wish I could help somehow . . .
    I'm thinking of you and praying for you; that you will gain strength again, that your health will improve so you are able to live the life you deserve.
    I know it's hard for you to write and see the keyboard, but please let us know how you are tomorrow, even if it's just one line.
    I hope you sleep well without the pain waking you every hour and are able to breath better real soon. Love sent to you Kim x x x