Monday, September 17, 2012


I can gracefully deal with hospital most of the time. I can put a happy face on and appreciate the break. I know at this stage hospital isn't about getting better its about trying not to get worse.

But then, it gets to a point where I want to scream enough is enough. Nobody has any answers, nobody knows what is happening.

I am 300 odd miles from home, I have not had any conversations in over 3 days, I'm not allowed out of my room. I am literally going stir crazy.

There is no end in sight and as emo as it sounds nobody seems to get it.

It's the little frustrations that build up. Running out of clean stuff to wear, using up the last of my juice, simple interaction. The longest I have seen anyone is 5 mins a day while they find another vein.

I don't when things will change. Tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow, always tomorrow, no let up.

I'm sitting on the cool of the bathroom, trying to calm myself.

It's nights like this that become so long that i want to reach for my old friend the blade. Times when i could feed off my own misery, wrap myself in a blanket of my own pain and enjoy being alone as i could think as destructivly as i chose.

I miss destruction sometimes. It made you feel less alone, less of a failure. That at 26 the only person who would drop everything for me is mum and I can't ask her to do that.

As I say, I can do this most of the time, but sometimes it becomes too much. I can't do it alone, I lack the strength.

1 comment:

  1. I know I can't say anything that will help Kim, I wish I could. I can't even imagine how hard and lonely this must be . . . I hope and pray that you will sleep well tonight and feel better in some way in the morning. Nights in hospital are the worst, I really do feel for you Kim.
    I wish I could say something helpful. Thinking of you and praying that something will change for you soon, real soon. With love x