Thursday, August 02, 2012

Bad day

Today is one of those bad days.
The days when the tears roll unchecked.
When everything decides that it wants to overwhelm me.
When pain and fear take over my rational.

I know these days will come
And I know these days will pass.
But that dosnt make them any easier to bear.

I saw my surgeon in London yesterday.
He basically said we are at the end of what we can do.
At this point the most he can do is to keep me as comfortable as possible until other options open up.
He did run a contrast ct just to make sure nothing sinister is going on.

I saw my GP today.
I knew it was a bad idea.

For as long as I can remember, I have had a fear of talking to doctors and them not believing me.
I know its stupid.
Even when I had my transplant, my biggest fear was one of the doctors turning around and saying why did you get that, you dont need it.
I know its irrational.
I also know why its there.
I do place a lot of it on a certain doctor who I saw as I child and teen.

Today, I had an appointment with that doctor again.
She was the only one with appointments and I was desperate.
I needed pain meds.

I shouldnt have bothered.
She gave me some excuses about not being able to give me many meds due to my liver.
I left with meds that are less effective than the ones the hospital gave me.
I went to see her because the ones I got off the hospital were not strong enough.

My new nebs I needed her to prescribe she couldnt do either.
Conversation soon shifted to my mum, who went with me.
How she was doing and how her latest blood results looked (all normal btw)
She wrote mum a new script and then we left.
Not bad I guess seeing two people in one appointment.

I have slept all day.
Plagued by dreams.
I hate dreams, they make no sense and leave you trapped.
My dreams always seem to follow the same theme.
Being chased or trapped.
Always different, totally different, but same theme.

I think perhaps this is why I avoid sleep when I can.
why I am still awake in the early hours.
Why I find myself feeling exhausted, yet doing everything I can to avoid shutting my eyes.

My tube keep blocking and I find myself often hungry for air.
Its scary, one of the most scary feelings in the world.
It always flashes me back to hospital.
Lying in bed, taking so much effort to force each breathe into my lungs.

I eventually passed out in hospital and awoke a few days later in ICU.
I hate not being able to breathe.

This is a bit of an outpouring.
When things get to much to keep in.

Tomorrow will be a brighter day.
But the biggest challenge is always getting through this day in one piece.
Today is hard.
But it is nearly over.

1 comment:

  1. I hope and pray you get some good, dreamless sleep tonight and wake up feeling clearer, in less pain and breathing better . . . I don't know what else to say Kim.
    I can't imagine how hard this is for you.
    Thoughts and prayers x x