Monday, July 30, 2012

Fool the world.

Yesterday was not a good day.
My mum came to wake about 7am. I had been coughing constantly for the past 2 hours, but the longer she listened to my coughing, the more I sounded like I was chocking. When she came in, I was in that place between awake and asleep, I had been for a while though the times are hazy.

I knew I needed to wake up, sit up and sort my throat out, yet my body was crying for rest and so I could not bring myself to an awake enough point to do what I needed to. I was grateful that Mum has come in.

From then, I spent one of the scariest hours of recent times sorting myself. My tube airway was partially blocked. Every cough was agony and then it becomes a vicious circle. The airway blockage restricts the air you can take in, which restricts the pressure you can breathe out, making it harder to cough any blockage away. Lots of saline, lots of nebs, tons of coughing and a fair bit of suctioning and I was able to eventually clear it. Though, the block must have been below the level of narrowing in my airway because, as I began to move it, a few times, I found myself practically unable to breathe. I was just about to get Mum to come back in and sit with me while I carried on as a backup, when something shifted and I could suddenly breathe again.

The effort of waking up like that, not only exhausted me, but left my pain way up above where it had been.

I promised to help mum with shopping, which I did and then came home for a nap.

Waking from the nap, I realised I had slept through my 4 hour marker for topping up my pain meds and so, I was literally in tears. It has been a long time since I have felt that low. I felt so frustrated by the whole thing. I am used to my breathing restricting me, but to have pain put an even bigger restriction in place, was just too much. So I contacted my surgeon, who is going to review me this week, instead of the week after, I am so thankful for all he does for me.

After a good nights sleep, this morning I felt a million times better.

It was a family wedding today. It was nice to take the time out to glam myself up a little. This is why I love being a girl. A little make up, a pretty dress, I can feel on top of the world. I can fool the world. A pink glow to the cheeks, bright eyes, I almost look awake, I almost look my age, instead of the 60 year old I feel like inside.

 Please excusse the mess that is my room. I had to make a card at short notice and I can make when its clean hehe.
I am a kid at heart. I like twirly dresses with sticky out skirts. (Though i need to invest in a petticoat to make it stick out more.)

At this point, I know I am going to have good days and I am going to have bad days. I wont berate myself for the bad days. Instead, I will rest, let my body settle and recharge. The good days, I will make the most of. I cherish everyone of them and actually have large amounts of energy and stamina on the good days. Things will balance. Everything will even out.

Tomorrow needs to be a rest, but also catch up on house work kind of day.

1 comment:

  1. Kim, you look amazing. No-onw would guess what you go through by looking at you. I hope you had a great time at the wedding. Rest and leave the housework, it will still be there after your rest.
    I hope your surgeon comes up with something at the review, I just so want this to get easier for you. It must be so frightening when you can't breath. Take care x