Jinx (this should have been posted last week)

Just noticed this is save as a draft grr, i pressed publish. Stupid blogger and its new layout.


Jinx: A person or thing that is believed to bring bad luck.


Do you believe in Jinxing?
I am not superstitious. I dont believe that an act such as stepping on a grid can later bring you bad luck, not do I think the earth will collapse should I walk under a ladder. But jinxing is different. There are things that i dont want to mention for fear of jinxing it, but deep down, is it fear of jinxing, or fear of telling people something which may not come true.


I am balanced in that place right now, where there are so many things that could happen, but might not happen. Between holidays and medical stuff everything just seems to be waiting, waiting for something to change.


My energy is slowly coming back meaning I am recovered from my last surgery, however, the tightness in my breathing is also creeping in already. I wanted to post on my last admission on where things were up to, I feel like I have been promising for a long, but each time, wanting to wait for me details to be confirmed. But they never seem to be.


After my 3rd open procedure a few months back was deemed unsucessful, my surgeon was honest and basically said, he is rapidly running out of option for treatment and that was why the trach went in. I was reffered on and told that I would be a good candidiate for transplant and later than that I was told that I had been accepted, but it would be a long process but probably happening within a few months.


Last month, I attended my own case confrence, by luck, I was able to be there, when its not a place patients normally get to go. From what i learnt from it, transplant, if it is still an option, is going to be at least a year away.


Its hard to hear that, when you have everything on pause, but alas I have little option at this stage.


What is harder, is that I have been called down to clinic this week. Now bear in mind, that in the past 2 years, I have only been to clinic maybe twice. I dont do clinic due to the traveling. I have made sure that they do want me with at least 2 doctors. And now, I am curious as to what they want me at clinic to talk about. 


I have a terrible feeling of doom, like its going to be bad news of some sort. Lets hope I am wrong.