Tuesday, February 07, 2012
Last night was hard, it was one of the hardest nights I have in a long while.
Sleep evaded me and my thoughts would not still.
I found myself visiting a lot of my old haunts.
Reliving past experinces, drawing strength from them.
I eventually found peace around 6ish.
Morning came to soon and it was off to the hospital for bloods.
Life goes one, but I think sometimes, you have to get scared.
You have to face the what if's.
You have to get mad and angry and cry and shout.
Only then can you move past it.
I am not happy with the current situation.
There are so many reasons behind it.
Apart from the limitingness of it all and the PTSD side of it, that was always the worst bit last time.
The flashbacks, the memories, the feelings, the fear.
I trust my gut instinct and this one does not feel well.
Christmas 2010, I had the feeling that I had to make the most of Christmas. My family all got something handmade and personal. Things looked up this year and thought perhaps my feeling was just that, a feeling, nothing more. But now, the more I think of it, I am so glad that I made the extra effort that year. It looks like it will have been the last Christmas we were all together. And maybe, if feeling carries on, I dont know, I dont know what the future holds, I can just be glad that I embraced the past.
I dont have to like a situation to make the most of it. I like to think perhaps I already do. Traveling to London for treatment, always involves doing something nice while down there, be it catching up with people, or watching a show.
Right now, my body is still trying to catch up. 3 surgeries in a month is taking its toll on me. The bags under my eyes could carry a weeks shopping right now. And so, anything that helps is being tried.
My sleep spray has become a close friend. Tonight, instead of coating my pillow lightly, I am also coating my pj top. I have a hot chocolate and some trashy tv. As much as I enjoy watching sunrise out of my window, tonight, I will be asleep before.
Oh and I cut my fringe back in my hair last week. I dont think I like it much, kinda looks like one of those cheap wigs you can buy with this colour, oh well.