The worst

You know what the worst thing is about being sick?
Its not the in and out of hospital, its not the pain.
Its not the meds nor the gruelling routines.
Its not even the frustrations or disapointments.

The worst thing, is the way it seperates you from others.
Some people run away, or they cant deal with things.
Some people simply have better things to do.
Some people are to wound up in themselves to notice if you are there or not.
Some people just drift.

But, being sick all the time, not only makes it hard to make new friends, it also makes it hard to keep friends.

Things are strained at the minute.
Looking forward is difficult.
Today, I began sorting out dressings and such so that I know what I need to order in ready for coming home with a trach.
The surgeon asked if I wanted to bring it forward and I said no, but right now, I am consdering itm just get it out the way.

Its nights like these, that make me realise how much I have lost in recent years.
Family, friends accquentences.
I dont want to be alone.
I am scared
and it hurts
and I dont want to go through it alone.
But there is no one.
I'm out of options and out of help.

Every night since I got home, I have cried myself to sleep.
Not just silent tears, huge big sobs that shake my body and leave me gasping.
They leave me drained.
there is no one to turn to.
And the road that is left seems so long and lonely.