I get to see my niece tomorrow, which I am looking forward to. I also have my sleep test tomorrow. Kinda glad I get both on the same day. Maybe the chaos of my niece will drown my head and allow me to sleep easily.
Words keep tumbling around in my head.
Snippets of conversation.
Peaks at the truth.
Saturday, we went to a friends wedding.
I mentioned their son a while back on here. About a year ago he was diagnosed with Lung cancer and spent a lot of time over on my ward in the hospital. He has made a brilliant recovery. He is the same age as me. He is living with his new girl friend now and they are expecting their first baby. Less than a year after being diagnosed to go through treatment and chemo and be back at work and living life to the full, just amazing.
Anyway, it was his sister who was getting married. He sat talking to my parents for most of the night, but he was much more talkative than usual as he had had a few to many drinks.
He said he always avoids us when he see's us as he does not know what to say.
Do all people go through this? Or is it something that you do when ill, because you know that no words can change things.
Its a strange thought.
He was talking about his time in hospital and death and such. He didnt understand why his Mum was so upset. His words, if its your time to go, then its time, there is no point being sad about it as it dosnt change anything.
I do fully believe what he was saying.
But then my parents answered him. They started telling him about how differnt it is as a parent. How no parent should ever be faced with their child dying before them. About how painful and scary it is. How powerless you feel.
So much of it rang true.
Those are the words now that tumble about in my mind.
Its not even the words really, more the look. The look of sheer pain at just the memory in my parents face.
That look is burnt into my mind.
I mean lets be honest, the chances of my parents out living me, is not that great. I hope I do, dont get me wrong, but I do dread their future pain. I also dread their ability to cope with it. They have no one really to share the burden. No close family these days. Its so very sad.
I usually sugar coat things where my parents are involved. I glaze over the hard facts and put some extra optimism in.
But, last week, I began to speak in earnest about my fears with Mum. I only touched on it. The reasoning behind being that there are things I want to get done and out the way. There are aspects that need planning and I think it is sensible to discusse these things now.
As i say, i only touched on it.
since then, mum has not been sleeping. She tells me pretty much daily that she cant sleep.
I do hope the two things are not related, but given how my mum tends to lean towards the drama, I fear they might.
Time will tell I guess.
And time will heal.
And life goes on.
And right now, I am making the most that my airway is holding its own and not fighting with me.
And for that I am thankful.
I have much to do and its always easier when you can beathe.