Onwards

Its strange to think back, that a year ago, I got my trach out. I was literally jumping for joy in the hospital, crying because I could breathe and all the possibilities that I dreamt had opened up for me once again. I was grateful, I truly was. But my body decided that was not the way it wanted to go.

So a year later and over 14 more surgical procedures, I am where I am. In the same place I was almost 2 years ago. No better at breathing and needing constant treatment to stay well. The treatment no longer makes me feel better, but I have to keep up with it to prevent myself from getting worse.

This months treatment has hit me hard. I am sluggish, baearly staying awake. And truthfully, I am scared. I assume I have an infection, but coughing literally terrifies me. I have to pause and gasp for breath whilst my head goes fuzzy and I try not to pass out. I am finding it hard. People need me at the moment, I need to be there, not hiding in the corner dreading the next cough. My muscles hurt, my lungs hurt and I generally feel like crap.

I knew getting well was going to be a hard task, but what is becoming more obvious right now, is that things are going to get a heck of a lot worse before they get better. If there is going to be a treatment that will help, we Can I continue this decline for years? I feel useless. Mum is ill and I can hardly function, let alone help her. Im losing my place and my health fast. And today, it seems that tears want to spill.

I had to go the shop for milk. Drove there, parked in the disabled bay close to the door and went for milk. Half way there, I was hit with exhaustion. I wanted to sit on the floor and scream like a child. I cant continue on this decline, I just cant.

In a million differnt ways, I have made peace with myself. I still believe in fairy tales and happy endings, but I am ready to go if my time were up. But in a million and one other ways, Im not ready. There is so much I want to see and do and be part of, to know the out come.

I feel crap and I hate it,but I hate even more to know that things have to get worse before they can get better.