Tuesday, September 27, 2011

I have been staring at the screen for a few days now trying to find the words to post, yet they do not come.

I dont know where I am, or where I am up to. I feel lost within myself.
Life is going great. I have social stuff planned, I am keeping busy and I am talking to people.
I am infection free and my throat is in a place where it is consider pretty good.
So I should be feeling good right?

So why arent I?
Why am I waking several times a night, chocking and spluttering, doubled over, legs crossed coughing solidly for a full 10 minutes, until I have to run to loo for fear of not holding my bladder whilst coughing. Why am I waking up every morning having to literally drag the air into my lungs. Why am I embrassed to be around people as I make so much noise whilst breathing. Why am I so exhausted that I sleep for 14 hours straight and still cant stay awake for more than a few hours in the day. Why do I feel like giving up so much. Like curling into a ball and shouting, I give in, you win. Why do I have to cry in short sobs, holding my breathe to settle it to save gasping.

I should be normal, im not ill. I should have the energy and ability of any 25 year old. I should have plans and commitments. I should have peak flows of 450 not 130.  I can tkeep fighting and investigating. I cant keep being the one to to chase diagnosis. Please someone just say this is why it is like this. Tell me im not making it up before I go crazy. Or, tell me I am making it up or exagerating and tell me to get on with things.

I cant keep going in this limbo land where I dont know what is what, living from month to month on promises that are never going to come, promises that I dont need.

Im not sick. I need to stop chasing hope and admit that I am a selfish freak who exagerates.
I should just burn.

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