scary

I feel so raw, exposed and on edge right now.
My heart is on sleeve so please be gentle.
I am still learning
Learning to deal with life and all it seems to throw at us.

Mum has changed chemo treatment and this week was her first one that will last the next 3 rounds.
It hit her yesterday and she had a rough night last night.
I feel guilty as I got up at my usual time this morning and was none the wiser that she had had a rough night.
Damn hearing.

Today, I went for the weekend shop. We always restock things of the weekend. Its normally a task mum and I do together. Mum wasnt up to it and so I did it. I went slow and I managed things. It was good. I felt useful, able to something that would make a difference.

I had just lifted the shopping into the boot of the car and was returning my trolly.
And then it happened.
That thing that happens sometimes.
All the crap that was building on my chest and throat moved, I coughed as normal.
But then started chocking.
From what I can tell, when this happens, its somthing hitting my vocal cords.
If anything touches them, they go into spasm.
I coughed and spluttered.
Making my way back to car as quick as my lungs would allow.
Where I coughed some more.

I sat in the car for almost 20 minutes.
Tears streaming down my eyes.
coughing and gasping and coughing some more.
I had thoughts running through my head about what would I do if I couldnt catch my breath.
I was in the car, no one around. I couldnt call out nor get my phone.
Glugging some drink down inbetween coughing fits eased things.
But I was bent over double, using my hands to support my ribs.

Eventually things relaxed.
I sat in the car for a few more minutes, waiting for my muscles to relax.
Waiting for the pain to ease.
By this time, my head was also pounding.
And then I drove home and unpacked the shopping.

Where I was told off for being out for so long.
I understand she is not well.
I know she will be short tempered
It just seems to be the same thing every time.
When she gets sick, she thinks I suddenly get better.
I really do wish this were true. Then I wouldnt feel like such a failure.

Dad  came in shortly after and I finished off tea.
Another tutting at as the bread I bought wasnt fresh enough and I managed to crack the yolk on the egg.
I really hope they both manage some sleep tonight.
I am trying not to take things personally.
I know things are 100x harder for the pair of them right now.

I am loaded up to my humdifier and I think I may just spend the the day on this tomorrow.
I have not the time to be sick this week.
Thoracic clinic on Monday.
Liver clinic on Wednesday.
A LLTGL thingy on friday.