Friday, August 19, 2011

honesty

Time for some honesty.
Honestly, I am struggling.
I am struggling more at the moment than I have done in a very long time.
And its starting to take its toll.

Im not in any emergency situation, things are no worse than they have been in the past, but the adjustment is hard.

I know that air quality can make a big difference, but I think that I somehow doubted just how much of a difference it can make.

While I was away, my breathing wasnt fabulous, but I was able to breathe. I was able to be active in the afternoon and then find the energy to walk down to the beach in the evening for an hour. I was able to shower and dry without stopping. I was able to climb the flight of steps without stopping. I was able to wake in the morning.

I have only been home a few days and I feel heavy and dragged down. Showering once again has to come in stages. Stairs are done as a little as possible and with a rest in the middle. And sleep, was not this continous thing that I could not get away from.

I got home monday. By Wednesday, I had my cough back. I curled up in the chair and slept right through mums chemo sessions, I never do that. Thursday, I slept till 10, then after a struggle to get up, went for bloods. And slept in the waiting room. Came home, had dinner and slept till tea. Today, I only woke 2 hours ago and I already feel ready for bed once again. My lungs feel heavy and painful. I feel weighted down by them. My stridor has hit the pitch I can hear and I am once again coughing a ton of crap.

Its been almost 6 weeks since I have had any antibiotics, which is almost a record for me over the last 2 or so years. Perhaps its time for more.

I am exhausted, mentally and physically. I know it was like this before, but this time, my body is not used to it. It hasnt been a slow decline, its sudden. My mind is fighting it. My body succumbing to it. I hate it. I want to be active. I want to run, to dance and even to talk.

I think that is one of things hurting most again. Talking has become to hard again. I can barley project my voice. The strain of getting sound out. Most things that need to be said, are now once again said in whisper, but more so I find myself just not talking.

Its hard. And all I can do at this point is wait. It will be a slow decline for the next 2 weeks. And then, I need to plead. Im sure you all know my hatred of trachs, but right now, I am considering asking to have mine put back in.

Its hard.

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