Wednesday, August 17, 2011


Sometimes I bitch and moan in here. I want my life back. I dont want my family having to slow down for me. I want to be able to look after my mum when she is ill and not have her worrying about me. I want to get out and be active,to work and to make friends.

But just because I want more does not mean I dont cherish what I have, dont value every second of it.

Im grateful for this little island I have created. That I have these outlets, that I can do from bed when not well or tired that still let me be productive. I dont want to be stuck here, but I am grateful to be here at all. It has taken so much work and sacrifice from others to get me here and keep me here. From Surgeons, nurses, familiy and donors. People I dont know, nor ever will know. There are just so many people.

I tell the truth here. That I am not always brave, that the future scares the heck out of me. That I am in awe of so many people.

We are not alone in our battles if we let others in.

So I let you all in, so that it is a little less lonely in here.

But there are different types of loneliness. Im not lonley in a social sense, I have lots of love and care around me, that again always strikes a cord with me. Simple things that I dont mention, like the nurse today, who knowing my mum was in for a long session (5 hours) gave her the corner chair, as the visitor chair with it, instead of being a hard back chair was an arm chair, for me.

But there is still a sense of loneliness. That perhaps some people, just see the face you put on the outside, and not the struggles inside. But there are other feelings out there. Bitterness, resentment and judgmental attitude. Its one of those things I guess, that I try to avoid, judging people. I dont think you anybody is in a postion to judge, unless, they themselves are perfect. And we know that nobody is perfect. Everybody has their own attitude and coping mechanisms. Its what makes people interesting.

Yeh, I have no idea where this is going. I guess I am just in a odd mood. Catching up on things after being away. Playing with my photos and getting back to crafting.

oh oh oh. And did I mention my laptop decided a couple of weeks ago that it wanted to learn to fly? Well it literally jumped off my bed. I swear, I was no where near it and next thing, bang it was on the floor. My poor baby. I did cuddle it and such, but alas, the corner must have hit the floor and the headphone socket jumped out of place.

I did some technical super duper stuff, using all my knowledge of laptops (I have taken several apart and repaired them) and my specalist tools (A nail file, some wire and a thermometer) to attempt to re attach it inside, but I discovered it was going to be a bigger job than I was able to handle. This was saddening news, as I cant bear to be apart from my laptop, but I use it for films of a night. Due to crappy hearing, I have to have the volume up, which is too loud of a night as it keeps my dad awake who works very early shifts(4am.)

But, I have just gotten a set of bluetooth headphones. And oh boy. Not only can I now watch my films again, I can also dance about the house with my headphones. Oh and even more, they go super loud, meaning I have the volume on my comp turned down. The good thing about this I hear you cry? Not only can I watch my films, I can probably attach them to my phone and actully hear phone conversations. yippee. So camspam, if you are reading this, get your phone charger out, we may be able to have a decent phone convo (aka good ole gossip)

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