Wednesday, August 03, 2011

Conflicting emotions

This week has been full of conflicting emotions.

Mum has not been well. She is getting out of breathe easy and is generally exhausted. I feel sorry for her, I really do. And yet that voice is still in the back of my mind wanting to say ha, see you cant just get on with it like you have always complained at me for not doing, its not that easy. But then, on the other hand, if I could take this for her, I would in an instant. I would rather feel crap than have her feel crap. I hope she is going to be ok whilst I am not there.

There is other family crap going on and on one point, im wanting to say sod, screw the lot of you, why should I care what you think. And on the other hand, Im wanting to say, look here are the facts, now wake up and see what is in front of you.

The other thing that has me thinking a lot the last day or so, is that somebody on the forum I use/kinda worked for, passed away. Any death is sad, but this one has more so left me with so many feelings that are just not defined. 

Most people on the site, dont care about life. They vocalize what is going and they are fairly open within the community. Even those deemed the most at risk, you generally know when they are going through a hard time. But this person, she was different. She had a thirst for life, she wanted to live and she wanted to get well.   You would hardly know from her writing what was going on. Its sad really. In a way it makes me think of those who throw life away and dont appreciate things. But in another way it also makes me think that we never truly know what is going happen. Anyday could be your last regardless of any situation. Most of the time it is not something we have control and I dont think we ever should have control of it. 

Right now, I know my mind is still running in protective mode. Its functioning but it wont take much to knock. However, I dont ever want to get back into that place I once was. It was dark and lonely there but more so I was able to torture myself more than anyone ever should.

But if you never know what is around the corner, you should seize everyday. Make the most of every opportunity, dance, laugh, sing and cry. Make lots of mistakes but learn from them. Make so many memories that your mind is full to brim. Make sure, that should time ever run out, those that matter are not commiserating your passing, but celebrating your life and all you did.

That is how I am going forth, no regrets and making the most of what I am given.

I doubt I will be updating here for about a fortnight, as I will be in south wales, hopefully with sunny weather. You never know, the salt air may do wonders for me.

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