Anyway, it got me to thinking. Does my life revolve around being ill? And is it the only thing that I do or talk about? Which also lead me to the question of, what kind of person do I want to be.
My answers? Right now, I am exactly who I want to be. Sure, I have some crap cards, but my goal I set myself last year, was that I wanted to make the most of them and not end up bitter, angry and consumed by hate. Well, I think that I have done pretty well at that if I do say so myself.
Right now, I love life. Sure I would love it more if certain things were to change, but I actually have better health right now than I have in the last 2 years and you can tell. My room is organized and tidy and something to be proud of. I have so much interest and passion into different things and I have aims and goals.
I have so much going on right now, that I dont blog nearly as much as I used to. That being said, this blog was always set to be a record of health things and so I guess it will be more focused on that. There are things still irritating me. All the graduation photos appearing on facebook right now is one of them, not to mention the topical conversation in regards to abuse and violence that seem to be going on at present. But you know what, I am dealing with them, better than I have done in years. I am taking steps forward. The flashbacks are still there as are the triggers, but I can control them and most people know nothing of them or my triggers. Mum was deemed to ill for chemo this week, and her moods have been erratic, but once again, im not on self destruct and it feels so good to be coping.
I dont want to be ill, I want to be well. That is why I want a respiratory diagnosis. I want treatment, I dont want to decline. I dont want to be under constant infection whilst my tissue is destroyed. If it is bronchiectasis then knowing sooner rather than later, can mean treatment,prevention rather than cure. I would not go down the route of organ transplant again and my family know that. So right now, they support my choice to do what I can to keep my health. I know that I am doing all I can. Sure I am not the more religious person when it comes to medication routines, but I also know what my body needs and if sleep will benefit it more than forcing myself to stay up an halfheartedly run treatments, then so be it.
Life is for living and I will do what I can to live. I know that I am doing the best I can for my body and mind. So thank you Anonymous commenter, as I realised my dream of being the person I want to be, has been accomplished.
I shall leave you with a photo I took today :) (Though I have had a great few days with a friend, but those pics will have to wait as the internet here is on a go slow.)
I read the same comment, and i have to admit that i agree with some of what they said. it is so important to take medication and do nebulisers etc at the right time every day, as they have a limited course of action and if you interfere with that they won't work to the best of their abilities. God only knows there have been days when i've wanted to say 'sod it all' and go to bed without doing the whole medication routine, but if you don't look after yourself, noone else will and the chances are that you will get pretty sick. Just take care, okay? Be kind to yourself; noone else will.
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