Right now, I feel content. I have no words describe it really. I spent the most part of the last 8 years filled with hate and anger towards myself and projecting it on those around me. But right now, that part is buried. Dont get me wrong, I know it will be back, but for now, I am enjoying the calm. The small things make the biggest difference.
Simple tasks, such as making something pretty, buying new colouring pens, playing with my niece, reading, baths, hair dye, the closer bond forming with my mum, the chance to occasionally feel useful, to pay some hospital time back. Its like a big warm blanket is wrapped tightly around me. And for now, I am managing. For now.
Today, though, has been a long and tiring day. At 9:30 this morning I had an appointment with my new respiratory consultant. I like him, he seems down to earth, or perhaps it he was more honest after having a refferal from one of the top thoracic surgeons in Liverpool.
Anyway, long story short, he is curious as to why I have so many infections in my chest and he would like to see how my lungs are now. So, we are going to run a load of tests. First off bloods, which were done today, testing for some lovely fungus and allergy type things. He said my chest sounded clear, but askedfor a sample of what I was coughing up to send off. From said sample to send off, and the fact that I had a major sore throat this morning (never a good sign) as well as my saying I think there was something currently in my chest, he gave me antibiotics too. But, and this is where I like him already, it was a 10 day course! Most places only give me 5 or 7 days, which hardly does anything and I end up needing a second course. So he has my trust already ha.
I had to have a spirometry test (urgh)
FVC (forced vital capacity): 3.54
FEV1 (forced expiration volume): 2.16
PEF: 2.48
Which give me a a lung function of (drum roll please) 61%
Not bad I guess, but yeah.
He is also sending me for a repeat CT scan. The one on file is from 2009, so he wants to compare the condition of my lungs now. On top of that, he is sending me for some gastro type test thingy (there is a condition common in my dads side of the family of lungs developing holes) And he will call me back to clinic once he has the result from there. I think he is also thinking of trying inhalers as he asked me which ones I have had in the past. And then asked about steriods and if pervious ones had helped with my chest complaints. I told him that I couldnt tell him a good answer to that, as the times I have had them, were when my airway was really bad, which would also effect my chest.
So yeah, as far as first appointments go, this one went ok.
And then we dashed off to another hospital for mums second round of chemo. Which took forever. They tell you it will only be an hour, but it was more like 4 hours. Mum dozed in the chair while it was running and I struggled to stay awake. Sorted out both of our prescriptions whilst we were waiting.
Came home at 4 and I fell asleep for just over 3 hours. I was dead to the world as well. But, this is where it gets frustrating. Mum is going through worse treatment than me and yet she had to sort tea as I was out of it. I do feel guilty about this. She knows I help when I can and so dosnt mind me sleeping, but I still wish I could do more.
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