My Generally bitter ramblings.: Enjoy the sun before the clouds set in

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Enjoy the sun before the clouds set in

So, I had a couple of good days with mum. It was hard work and I found myself having to push myself to do the things I wanted, but that I can live with. I even made a posh dinner and made the starters look pretty.

Alas the new found calmness with my mum wasnt to last.
The next day, I felt like I was 12 again. I was doing what I could, but it wasnt enough and so Mum was berating me for the slightest thing that I hadnt done. I didnt have the physical or emotional energy to argue my point across, and to be honest, I was feeling pretty deflated once again at the way things had turned out. So in true form, I carried on feeling like I was 12 and so have spent 90% of the last few days in my bedroom.

I know that I should have spent the time helping out, but my mind seems to have locked in the position that says, if I work my hardest and its not enough, why do anything. I have been watching from my room and she has spent most of the time gardening and carrying pots around the garden, so I assume she isnt in much pain as she is using that arm on problem.

I went down today, hoping that perhaps things would have settled. Instead, I was faced with another telling off, about how for the last two days dad and her had been waiting around for me to get up an go look at cars. I said I didnt know, to which she sniped back about how should get up in the mornings. To which I did actully retaliate and tell her that I dont get up early normaly, not because I am lazy, but because I literally feel like I am falling apart if I dont get enough sleep, its not like I am lying there awake. But after an argument, I retreated back upstairs. I came down a while later to get a drink, but there was no sign of anyone.

I had a parcel that had to be in the post today, a late post thing from Ebay for my sister. I didnt have a clue when they were due back, so packed it up and took it myself.

That took a bit of planning. There are two post offices fairly close to ours, but both would have involved a long walk with steep hills. So, I opted for going to town with it. Although it was a longer journey, it meant I was able to get a bus either way.

I would like to say that I had fun in town, that I walked with purpose in a confident manner with a smile upon my face. Instead, I had 3 coughing fits getting to the bus stop. I was gasping like mad and my heart felt like it was about to explode out of my chest. Town was exhausting and I ended up meeting my niece for tea. Truth was, I couldnt walk there an back without a big rest in the middle, but didnt want to rest on my own there. So we had tea and it meant I was able to actully have a real conversation. It was nice.

And then I literally crawled back to the bus, shivering with exhaustion. And that is why, I am currently back in my room, wearing shorts with stripy socks.