Thursday, May 05, 2011


I dont think I portrayed myself very well last night.
I came across as a spoilt brat and thats not it. I dont hide away as a punishment or way to avoid things, well i a little I guess.
More so, my self esteem is very low and I am acutely aware of that. When I put a lot of effort into something only to be put down, it feels like a huge personal knock every time. I hide in my room as a form of protection. I just cant face any one out of fear of more knocks.

Today, I have paid for yesterday. I knew it would take it out of me, but I guess I didnt anticipate just how much.
I woke today, with a struggle at about 12:20. Nobody was home, so I made a piece of toast, while struggling to keep my eyes open. Ate my toast, checked my emails and such and by 1:30, I had fell asleep again, in the sun on my bed.

I was so comfortable, lying on my pillows with the warm sun on my body.

Next thing I know its 6:30 and the phone was ringing. Mum must have answered the phone, and with a struggle, I forced myself to wake up. I think I could easily have slept right through till tomorrow morning.

Scary dreams though. Trying to put stuff away in my dreams, but struggling to move them. Light things weighing a ton in my arms. Later on in the dream, I find myself in some freak accident. Going down a hill fast, shooting off the side, unable to stop myself. People looking for me but not able to find me. Unable to do anything about it. The search for me, lost within the clean up of the rest off the accident.

The bottom of my left lung is giving me pain again. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. To go to the doctors now, feeling unwell, would probably effect the surgery as I would need anti biotics. But to risk it getting worse is also a risk. I play a dangerous game. I am going to ignore things, hopefully they wont notice either. And after surgery, I will be on anti biotics anyway, so it should clear up. I know, not the best idea, but I will in the mean time work on keeping my chest clear. Now if I can just stay awake long enough to go through my treatments.

No comments:

Post a Comment