Friday, April 08, 2011

Treading Water

I feel like I have written in here in a long time. I mentioned last time that I was emerging from a dark place but things still have not been going as well as I might have hoped.

I feel like I am treading water in an endless ocean. Constantly kicking and fighting to stay afloat. Sometimes, I can manage it, I can keep my head above water, enough to look around, take some deep breaths and asses the situation properly. But then, other times, a wave will come and wash over me, or I will run out of strength and momentarily dip under the surface before bobbing back up to the top and gasping for air.

At one point, each time I came back to the top, I would feel relieved, I would feel joyous that there was still light and air in the world instead of the dark bleakness of under the water. But other times, like now, I go under and its hard to remember which way is up, or I think about that endless ocean and what use is it treading water constantly if there is no shore in sight?

Last time I posted, I was having trouble adjusting to some bad news. Today, I am struggling to adjust to the adjustments needed with that news, before being knocked under once again with the news about my next admission.

I know that I am being cryptic, I kind of have to be at the moment but tomorrow will bring further news and I guess that will either be a float or another wave.

To say that I am struggling at the moment would be about right. I crave so much that I dont know what I crave. I feel the need for a real good argument. A screaming and shouting match. Time to be angry at the world and perhaps bit out and cause injury. Actully, what I want right now, is to hide. To lock myself up somewhere and just cease to exist for a while at least.

Trying to deal with everything, without resorting to old methods, is a real task and a task that seems the world right now. But now is not my time to fall apart. Right now, I need to be strong and I need to put a brave face on. It dosnt matter the cost to me right now and it really dosnt matter how I do it.

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