Friday, April 29, 2011

these days

I know that I say this often, but the last few days have truly been so much of an emotional roller coaster. It has aldo shown me to a point that, the saying is true, that that does not kill you only serves to make you stronger. Illness is a nasty horrible thing, but at the same time, it does bring family closer and make you appreciate what you have.

Mum is home recovering and seems to be doing fairly well. She is still doing the whole negative thoughts thing. She only has a small scar and no drains, yet has convinced herself that the docs took a lot and decided things were to bad to bother doing anymore so closed her back up and left it at that.

Its funny, my surgeries never effect my sleep. Night before mums, I didnt sleep at all. In the last 3 days, I have had maybe 7 hours sleep, instead of my usual 12 hours a day.

The night before she went in, she said some pretty mean things to me. I completely forgive her for saying them, given what she was going through, but they hurt all the same. I think that I got mad and tried to ignore it,  I kept on with house work. Everything hit a down point and I felt like I was going to explode. Before I knew it, I found myself heading back to old habits. Whilst I dont try to kid myself that self harm is fully behind me, it was a shock to come face to face with it again so abruptly.

I am not niave, I know the exact reasons behind my harming. Its a control thing. When things get out of control, I run to it for comfort. I have very little control over my body, how it will feel from one day to the next. I have no control over my life right now, it is controled by hospitals, health and abilities. To lose control over my routine and relatinoships was too much. Harming, allowed me to feel in control again. I was able to cause the pain, to feel crap for a reason of my own doing, to control where and how. Whilst I am not ashamed that  went back to it, I know that I will struggle more with for the next few weeks. Its like inviting an old friend back into my life and not being able to stop thinking about them.

I am having a few other issues in regards to hospitals and doctors, but thats for another entry. I managed to be sensible and fght me fear so sought out treatment the next day. Some more medication and some stitches to take care of, but those things I can mange.

Last night, I was lying there, thinking. I was 12 when I made my first attempt at suicide. I remember vividly everything about that night including the disappointment the next morning when I was still breathing. I was niave. But I did write a letter back then. In it, I wrote about how I hated the fact that I didnt have a relationship with my mum. We didnt talk and we were far from close. Reviewing things now? Whilst at times I have hated it, being ill has forced me to be close to my mum and whilst we dont always see eye to eye, our relationship now is far better than it ever was. But it has always been a relationship built on my dependancy. The last few days things have felt a bit more even. She has needed my strength and support. She has needed my help and our relation ship has once again evolved. Perhaps I have gotten my wish after all, maybe this is how our relationship has been repaired and rebuilt. If only their were better circumstance behind it.

No comments:

Post a Comment