Wednesday, April 27, 2011


Tomorrow is mums surgery day.
The whole thing is not going so well to be honest.
Mum is scared, understandably, but she has it in her head that she is going to die a slow painful death from now on. No matter how much you tell her positive thoughts and such, she gets mad that things are not how she wants. The problem is, this is driving a huge rift between my dad and her. My dad has issues showing emotion and stuff to these types of things. Even with me, if I want advice on or his view on a medical thing, I just have to wait it out and he will give me hints when he is ready. He dosnt deal well with bad news and has spent many a time flat out on the floor when he hears it. I think he is more like me, if he distances himself and ignores it, he hopes it will go away.

The problem is, mum expects him to be the supportive type you see in films. And she is good at holding grudges. I can already see it driving them apart and it hard to watch.

I am trying to fill in the roles inbetween, but not doing so well.

My body feels like it is constantly fighting even more so than normal at the moment. On Sunday, dad asked me for a hand with the car. We were cleaning it and he dosnt know how the seats work and such so I was helping him where I could. I didnt feel like I had done that much, but I sat in the garden for 5 minutes and then suddenly was shivering. I put a jumper on and it was still warm out, but I could not get warm. I snuggled down in my bed hoping to get warm, but I didnt even have the energy to take my shoes off. In the end mum kept shouting me and I couldnt shout loud enough for her to hear me, so I forced myself to go down to her. She was asking about tea. The thought of actully eating made me want to cry. Normally, i eat and eat, but just the thought of the effort of using my hands to eat was freaking me out. Mum was telling me that I need to eat else i will be tired, so we settled on a milkshake, and then I literally crawled up to bed, this was about 9:30 so super early for me.

This morning, I woke at about 5am with the worst headache. It was so so painful. I took strong painkillers, but it wasnt shifting so after a couple of hours of tossing and turning in my bed I got up. Went out with mum to get some essentials, but the headache got worse, so came home to bed for a few hours again.

I have always had a large appetite, but at the moment, one meal, seems to be the limit of the day. Its strange, complete opposite for me. Not that I am complaining, i could do with losing a bit, but I mean, its easter and I havnt even had chocolate ha.

Oh well, have to be up early in the morning, so that is all for now.

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