Wednesday, April 20, 2011


I keep having reoccurring dreams. In them, my family are arguing, they want me to do something, though I cant recall what and I am trying to escape them. Though, I cant escape, Im stuck on the floor. Not the strength to lift myself as my legs keep giving way. At some point, I end up in a wheelchair, trying to escape them, by dodging in and out of various places and jumping in lifts to get to a different floor. Its all very odd, but I find myself waking feeling rather anxious.

The weekend was exhausting to say the least, both mentally and physically. The physical in a way felt good, to force my muscles to work and keep going through the pain when I wasnt getting enough oxygen. The mental was a little more challenging. My sisters friend came for a 'chat' after she had had a few drinks. My sister having told her my life story, the friend kept asking me all kinds of questions, how I can deal with things so well and not get angry. How I keep going and not give up. She touched on more than a few raw nerves. And basically followed me around for about 5 hours asking all the same questions, wanting details, in my face constant wanting to know what I am going to do with my life. At one point, I went and hid in one of the empty wardrobes in the new house. I know I havnt dealt with things right and the things I still cover up where the things she kept trying to force me to talk about. Anyway, hopefully I wont see her again.

The next 2 months are probably going to be the hardest in my life so far, maybe. I am at Cancer clinic tomorrow with mum for her pre op and such. I need to get through that without crying for a start. Next week will be mums surgery, that is going to be one tense day. Then she has her recovery period. And my mind has already begun to stray back to thoughts of my surgery. I need to not think about mine yet. Cant face losing my voice or tubes yet again.

I really did over do it at the weekend and have since been paying for it. Yesterday, I woke at mid day and was asleep again by 2 and woke again at 7. Pretty much did the same thing again today. Aching all over and feeling full of cold. How to keep busy to keep my mind on the straight whilst not wearing my body down. My oxygen levels seem to sit at about 97% when I am still, however one set of stairs take them down to 92% and walking at a normal pace drops me to 88%. This is what tires me the most I think. And days when I have been out walking, I find that I crawl up the stairs rather than walk.

But this is all going to get better. We have to reman positive.
Its going to be tough for a couple of months, but after that, its going to be the end and its going to get better.
It has to right?

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