questions

I keep meaning to come write here, but I think, perhaps my mind, is trying to dodge facing up to this next step. Asking questions that I am not sure if I want to know the answer to. I do however need to know, and the time to contemplate my next move is running out.

Monday, I am booked in for my next surgery. Its only a maintenance one and the same as the last few, but with my main surgeon. What came up last time, was the prospect of cutting part of my vocal cords. I need to figure out if I this is something that I am going to agree with.

I guess the main question to ask, is going to be, what the main goal is now? Living day to day with this, with a condition that changes so drastically, I think alters your perception. 20 months ago, when this whole ordeal restarted, the aim, was to improve my breathing, to a point where it would be classed as mostly normal against others my age. When my whole trachea collapsed and I had the trach, my aim was to be able to breathe properly with that and have a full voice. When that didnt work, I contacted London.

The big surgery I had there, was aimed to give me back normal breathing capacity for a person my age. So far that hasnt worked. I dont know if this is still the aim still stand. You see when you live around things with such restriction, you change your goals. Yes it would be lovely to have 'normal' breathing, but at present, I would be just as happy to have enough breathing to get by on a sedate lifestyle.

So, on Monday, when they ask how I am, I am likely to respond with good, as my breathing has not gotten as bad as it did last time and so I have been able to survive, though I have been extremely tired. However, then I have to remind myself, that as of yet, I am still walking slow as my breathing can not keep up with fast walking and stairs still kill me. Just walking the length of the kitchen, is enough to put me out of breathe. So it is not normal breathing.

In relation to the vocal cords. I think that I need to ask, is there still a chance that my breathing is going to improve without touching the vocal cords? For example, if my throat is still healing, once it healed, will my breathing get better? If so, perhaps it would be wisest to wait this out.

If he is not sure, then I need to know, is the breathing issue, defiantly related to my throat, and not some other random condition that we maybe missing, such as my lung surgery or constant infections. I mean, we already know that I have an issue with having way too much gunky on my chest, though we dont know why. So who knows.

If the shortness of breath is now mainly down to the vocal cords, and not likely to alter unless surgery is performed on them, then, I dont see much point in postponing cutting them. If, I have even the slightest chance of being able to breathe close to normal, then I think that I have to take that chance. Yes, I would miss my voice, but it should only be changed, not killed (fingers crossed)

And not to be the eternal pessimistic, I also should ask, what are my options if the do touch my vocal cords and it still dosnt help.

So that 4 questions right?
Main goal? (survive or normal)
Is breathing likely to improve if left alone?
Is breathing def related to trachea?
Are there options if vocal cord surgery dosnt work?
Ok, all dully noted.

Sorted, roll on Monday.

Oh, I also have my new machine, but we will cover that another day.